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The book of D-Eli

Imagine youre in a deserted place. Its quiet with exception to the wind and everything around you appears to have survived the apocalypse. You squint your eyes as you do a quick survey of your surroundings. The sunshine is bright even though its rays shine grey because of the overcast. The winds whistles are alternately sounding off between gusts of dust and tumbleweeds whipping through. You look for the breeze to refresh you but instead it encourages beads of sweat to run into your eyes. You continue to walk down the road scanning the horizon for life and some evidence that you are not alone to no avail.

As days turn into weeks you settle into your new normal. Every day is the same. You wake up early and search for food and hope that this is the day that you find someone else wandering around looking for you. You walk around the abandoned buildings looking through remnants of yesterday. The thought crosses your mind of how you used to wish for a few minutes to yourself. Your life was always commanding your attention. Mom needed your help with preparing a meal, or your daughter wanted to show you the picture she drew at school. No longer do you have to rush to be on time cause youve got more time than you can stand and its a lonely life.

The day comes along when the sun shines brighter than before. Youre not sure what is going to happen but you know that something has got to give. Your life just couldnt be meant to be lived out alone.

Youre walking along a dusty street and you notice the streetlight change to Walk. Startled you think to yourself have they been working the whole time? You turn around to return to your makeshift home in a office building and you bump into him.

What the hell? You think and you back up a bit to get a glimpse of the stranger. Hes quite ordinary, about the same height as you but definitely more muscular. The time that has elapsed since you last saw another human being strongly affects your perception. If your loneliness was hunger, and his presence was food you would be drooling over the sight and aroma of this feast!

How long have you been here? The stranger asks. I dont know. Where did you come from? You say. I honestly dont know how long I have been here. Ive lost track of time. You exchange words. You compare notes. Neither of you really knows what happened to everyone else but you are grateful to have found each other.

The stranger stays with you. He had, like you, been wandering around looking for someone else for longer than he cared to remember.

With no one else around besides the two of you, you begin to form a relationship. You talk and get to know each other. You discover this stranger is attractive and not just because hes the only man on earth! He speaks with an eloquent tone and you are pleased to witness his movements and you listen. Its not long before you notice his energy drawing you in and you want to touch him and do things to please him. Youre so excited about it that you have to share with him. You spoil the mood by talking too much and he doesnt want to discourage you so he just sits there and suffers through it. He watches your lips move as you speak and he hears sounds coming from your mouth but all he can think about is how soft those lips would feel wrapped around his dicc.

He smiles and nods when it seems the inflection in your speech summons a response. Still hearing you but detecting no language at all. Finally, he interrupts you, he takes a moment to touch your face causing you to catch your breath. He stares into your eyes as if to inspect your soul and you fall in love in that moment. It was through no effort of his to win your heart but you fell in love. He did nothing extraordinary nor did he earn it but you gave him your heart. Why? Its simple.

You saw me.

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Todays prayer

We all suffer heartbreak. We all live with the expectation of grace from others. It is a sure thing to have some expectations unsatisfied. Disappointment is a part of life. Humans are not always going to rise to the occasion. We let others down. We let ourselves down. We hurt others. Others hurt us. We suffer self harm in many forms. Some choose negative coping strategies like substance abuse for example. Some choose positive behavior strategies like going to the gym or punching a bag. Still others prefer to feel better and seek pain relief in the sacred space of another. Another group of people who sabotage themselves will use food or a lack thereof to feed their need to soothe their pain. What works for them may not work for you but we all live the same existence in this world of misery. Religious people are focused on leaving behind this world to either be happy in heaven or burn in the eternal lake of fire. Im confused by the sentiment that there is a hell somewhere else that is worse than this place! Im convinced that this is hell. The idea of an in between world,  or purgatory is stupid to me. This is no purgatory! We are born in the agony of our mothers labor and we spend years hurting her. Well I did. Now she is gone and I cant get back the time I selfishly wasted on my own bullshit. As hell would have it I now am a mother dealing with a daughter who is spending time on her own bullshit wasting time away from me that no matter how bad she regrets it she will never get it back! SMH! Its crazy how lifes lessons are taught to us and yet we still miss them when we are too busy doing other things that arent going to even matter to us in the end. 

I hope and pray that this generational curse ends with my granddaughters. I pray that they are loving and forgiving to their mothers. I pray that my daughters never suffer the heartbreak of their own daughters tossing them out of their lives like garbage. I pray they give them the grace they need to grow from their mistakes. May my granddaughters who nursed at the bosom of their mother care for and nurse their own mothers in their golden years. Be good and kind to each other. Everyday the same sun rises and sets in our little corners of the world.

Jan 5

Good morning! Well its morning as I am typing these words. Its January 5, 2023 8:54 am Pacific Standard my time. Westside! (In my best OShea Jackson impersonation) 突

I am going to be Checking in on yall cause I know that whoever you are you can relate to the issues of life! You know what I am realizing? Humanity is composed of male and female members who are built identically and somehow as an individual person we can be so incredibly diverse. Again, the issues of life are the same. 

Life is birth, living and dying. 

Born with a wealth that capital cannot purchase. Healthy with almost zero mileage on our fleshy heart that will beat continuously and consistently (hopefully) until we are passed the second phase of living and entering into the final frontier of dying

Im 52 years old and I will tell you youngsters something you will soon learn圯very day IS a gift and we should not waste the present allowing the regrets of the past to taint the breathing of today. 

Oh yeah that newborn babies lungs are barely used in the first few moments of life. Some babies need a little smack to start em up! Lol! My mind wonders if that energy is on the other side of the portal hesitating?! I imagine that beautiful soul saying to itself, Do not forget that this is only a journey on earth. It is not your final destination. Earth is full of tests that aid the spirit in the discovery of its own gifts and talents. Do not fear the transitions into and out of this life. 

My thoughts on my life today匈 am sad. Heartbroken over the loss of loved ones in my world. Some have transitioned from earth and some live and breathe, but force me to grieve them as well. As you live here on earth and the years pass you mull over the past and devote quiet moments to your mortality. Momma was 85, how long do I have? Who else must I mourn before I transition? What else can I do here? I must have more to do because I am still here?

Check in

Im going to make more of an effort from this day on to check in with myself. Im thinking about the best way of going about it. No time like the present to go ahead and begin. So its December 4, how am I doing? Well from what I can tell I am doing pretty good. Although, I have this cracking noise coming from my neck quite often and its kinda freaking me out. I have this cough in the deep part of my lungs. Im thinking of going to the gym everyday but have yet to pull into the parking lot. I got up a couple days ago and followed along with a Yoga with adriene video and discovered how tight my hamstrings are! It is painfully obvious that I am not having sex! Lol. Oh well I dont want to knowingly consort with a man who lies to me! Im talking obvious lies and not my imagination either! This fool calls me and talks about how he thought we was in a relationship last year and he was in love with me! SMH! We both know as well as my friend who was walking beside me while he told me last year how he didnt want a relationship! How he just wanted to have fun with me! Negro please?! I got off the phone initially smiling because I was happy to hear that I was wanted. A day or two later I blocked him. I had to decide if I wanted to be lied to or not. I decided against it. I mean like how tall will the tales get? Will I know if I am safe to ride in a vehicle with him? Or will he drive me to a deserted place and collect money for selling my dumb ass to a sex trafficker? I guess maybe my mind is being overly active but this type of stuff happens all the time! I would rather be able to rely on the people around me for my safety. People that I dont need to question. Check out this bitch! Ttyl

Sunday

Just when you think you got it figured out you learn how much you dont got figured. People are finicky. One day I am tha shit! The next day nobody knows Im alive! I realized a long time ago that I am never alone in whatever Im going through! Someone else somewhere else is fighting the same battle. So here I am dealing with the consequences of my choices and I feel some kinda way. Ya know? I find it hard to carry a grudge. It was never my thing. Shit no one is perfect. No one gets it right all the time so what I look like staying mad about it? Now if you do some really lame shit I have to leave you alone. Its not a grudge its an investment in my future. I deposit what and or who pours into me. I withdraw from the leakages! IYKYK! Choose to be content. If you cant be content then you must find what you need to be there. Choose to love. Contrary to popular belief you dont fall in love. You choose to direct your love that way. I dont want to fall anywhere into anything! I want to meet someone who chooses to love me without an agenda. Choose to live in such a way that you inspire others . Food for thought奸ife is what you make it and you have a choice.

Pug on a plane

So Im in a window seat on this flight to LAX. Its a small plane. My neighbor in seat 5B has a pet stowed away in a duffel bag. A pet carrier. This damn dog is inside this bag scratching away! Ugh! Why must I always get put next to somebody on some bullshit?! SMH! This dog doesnt like this bag! It sounds like the banker in Shawshank scratching at the wall tunneling himself out! At least its not a long flight. I hope he calms down but I doubt it. Oh well here we go for take off! Wouldnt surprise if the little guy gets even more excited once were in the air. Im looking forward to being in Las Vegas and on the ground. I dont care to be high in the sky and at the mercy of gravity! These smaller planes are just like smaller cars! You feel everything better! 

I know that I been slacking keeping up with you. My bad bro! Lets start over Im Bart! LOL Oh nevermind that! Just a line from one of my favorites! How high starring Method Man and Redman! 

Wow! We are way up here! Luckily the noise on the plane is drowning out the scratching somewhat. A childhood friend reminded me about my blog. He mentioned that he didnt want me referring to him in my stories! Too bad sir! My life is my material! If youre in it you just might get a cameo. I think were over the water. It looks super dark below! Yep! I called it! This damn dog is still going at it! SMH Were descending and I can feel it. Almost there! Fingers crossed we land safely. OMGEE I smell dog poop! Ugh!

Cannabis

What do I do about the pain I must endure?

Take the muscle relaxers the doctor prescribed that ruin my liver?

Get the shots in my wrist so my right hand is right again, knowing that is just a bandage on a gaping wound!

Nerve pressure, injuries and ultimately damage resulting in carpal tunnel syndrome

This condition caused me muscle spasms

Spasms radiated up my neck and into the worst headaches I have ever had

My acquaintance with headaches is so well that my bedroom can be made pitch black in a drawing of the purple velvet drapes on my window

I must figure out how to live with the circumstances that define my life while continuing to live

Im too anxious sometimes to accept the end is around the corner when it may very well be many more corners, roads and cities

Monday morning blues

Writing is good therapy right? I know I know its just sometimes the words rolling around in my head the way they line up to do their job causes a knot to form in my chest! This gnarl in the center of my torso is distressing me! Instead of letting it dissipate by using my words to give it a voice, I try to starve it by not feeding it my attention宇his nagging bitch wont leave me alone! Im aware that death is coming cause it came for everyone who is in a grave. We all have the date and we dont usually know when so we embrace the ignorance and blissfully live in the meantime. Writing is a good outlet for you when youre ready to let go Im not存o Im stuck with this knot that gets all gnarled up and nags at my psyche. My answer to the anxiety trying to rob me of today匈m here right now吁hes here today存hes on her way匈 will cherish today and nurse pain later

Wishing, wondering

I wonder am I the only abuse survivor that goes over the incidents of the past and thinks of ways that I mightve handled it better? Why is it that I know what to do now but couldnt do it then? Is it because I hadnt ever suffered abuse before? Now as a survivor I have new and improved skills? I wish I knew better then. I wish I could undo the pain and scars it left behind for me and my family. I wish