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The book of D-Eli

Imagine you’re in a deserted place. It’s quiet with exception to the wind and everything around you appears to have survived the apocalypse. You squint your eyes as you do a quick survey of your surroundings. The sunshine is bright even though its rays shine grey because of the overcast. The winds’ whistles are alternately sounding off between gusts of dust and tumbleweeds whipping through. You look for the breeze to refresh you but instead it encourages beads of sweat to run into your eyes. You continue to walk down the road scanning the horizon for life and some evidence that you are not alone to no avail.

As days turn into weeks you settle into your new normal. Every day is the same. You wake up early and search for food and hope that this is the day that you find someone else wandering around looking for you. You walk around the abandoned buildings looking through remnants of yesterday. The thought crosses your mind of how you used to wish for a few minutes to yourself. Your life was always commanding your attention. Mom needed your help with preparing a meal, or your daughter wanted to show you the picture she drew at school. No longer do you have to rush to be on time cause you’ve got more time than you can stand and it’s a lonely life.

The day comes along when the sun shines brighter than before. You’re not sure what is going to happen but you know that something has got to give. Your life just couldn’t be meant to be lived out alone.

You’re walking along a dusty street and you notice the streetlight change to “Walk”. Startled you think to yourself have they been working the whole time? You turn around to return to your makeshift home in a office building and you bump into him.

What the hell? You think and you back up a bit to get a glimpse of the stranger. He’s quite ordinary, about the same height as you but definitely more muscular. The time that has elapsed since you last saw another human being strongly affects your perception. If your loneliness was hunger, and his presence was food you would be drooling over the sight and aroma of this feast!

“How long have you been here?” The stranger asks. “I don’t know. Where did you come from?” You say. “ I honestly don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve lost track of time.” You exchange words. You compare notes. Neither of you really knows what happened to everyone else but you are grateful to have found each other.

The stranger stays with you. He had, like you, been wandering around looking for someone else for longer than he cared to remember.

With no one else around besides the two of you, you begin to form a relationship. You talk and get to know each other. You discover this stranger is attractive and not just because he’s the only man on earth! He speaks with an eloquent tone and you are pleased to witness his movements and you listen. It’s not long before you notice his energy drawing you in and you want to touch him and do things to please him. You’re so excited about it that you have to share with him. You spoil the mood by talking too much and he doesn’t want to discourage you so he just sits there and suffers through it. He watches your lips move as you speak and he hears sounds coming from your mouth but all he can think about is how soft those lips would feel wrapped around his dicc.

He smiles and nods when it seems the inflection in your speech summons a response. Still hearing you but detecting no language at all. Finally, he interrupts you, he takes a moment to touch your face causing you to catch your breath. He stares into your eyes as if to inspect your soul and you fall in love in that moment. It was through no effort of his to win your heart but you fell in love. He did nothing extraordinary nor did he earn it but you gave him your heart. Why? It’s simple.

You saw me.

Imagine you’re in a deserted place. It’s quiet with exception to the wind and everything around you appears to have survived the apocalypse. You squint your eyes as you do a quick survey of your surroundings. The sunshine is bright even though its rays shine gray because of the overcast. The winds’ whistles are alternately sounding off between gusts of dust and tumbleweeds whipping through. You look for the breeze to refresh you but instead it encourages beads of sweat to run into your eyes. You continue to walk down the road scanning the horizon for life and some evidence that you are not alone to no avail.

As days turn into weeks you settle into your new normal. Every day is the same. You wake up early and search for food and hope that this is the day that you find someone else wandering around looking for you. You walk around the abandoned buildings looking through remnants of yesterday. The thought crosses your mind of how you used to wish for a few minutes to yourself. Your life was always commanding your attention. Mom needed your help with preparing a meal, or your daughter wanted to show you the picture she drew at school. No longer do you have to rush to be on time because you’ve got more time than you can stand and it’s a lonely life.

The day comes along when the sun shines brighter than before. You’re not sure what is going to happen but you know that something has gotta give. Your life just couldn’t be meant to be lived out alone.

You’re walking along a dusty street and you notice the streetlight change to “Walk”. Startled, you think to yourself have they been working the whole time? You turn around to return to your makeshift home in an office building and you bump into him.

What the hell? You think and you back up a bit to get a glimpse of the stranger. He’s quite ordinary, about the same height as you but definitely more muscular. The time that has elapsed since you last saw another human being strongly affects your perception. If your loneliness was hunger, and his presence was food you would be drooling over the sight and aroma of this feast!

“How long have you been here?” The stranger asks. “I don’t know. Where did you come from?” You say. “ I honestly don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve lost track of time.” You exchange words. You compare notes. Neither of you really knows what happened to everyone else but you are grateful to have found each other.

The stranger stays with you. He had, like you, been wandering around looking for someone else for longer than he cared to remember.

With no one else around besides the two of you, you begin to form a relationship. You talk and get to know each other. You discover this stranger is attractive and not just because he’s the only man on earth! He speaks with an eloquent tone and you are pleased to witness his movements and you listen. It’s not long before you notice his energy drawing you in and you want to touch him and do things to please him. You’re so excited about it that you have to share with him. You spoil the mood by talking too much and he doesn’t want to discourage you so he just sits there and suffers through it. He watches your lips move as you speak and he hears sounds coming from your mouth but all he can think about is how soft those lips would feel wrapped around his dicc.

He smiles and nods when it seems the inflection in your speech summons a response. Still hearing you but detecting no language at all. Finally, he interrupts you, he takes a moment to touch your face causing you to catch your breath. He stares into your eyes as if to inspect your soul and you fall in love at that moment. It was through no effort of his to win your heart but you fell in love. He did nothing extraordinary nor did he earn it but you gave him your heart. Why? It’s simple.

You saw me.

Featured

I gotta shrink myself!

My life is crazy! I am a 48 year old divorcee mother of 3 adult children. I’m currently attending college in pursuit of a nursing degree. My son and I live with my 81 year old mother who is disabled and very sick. My current occupation is titled “Direct Support Person or professional” (one or maybe both of those) and my duties are cleaning, cooking and caring for 5 developmentally disabled adult men. My weekdays start at 4:30 am and most days I’m dragging my ass to get out of bed!

The man that I am divorcing, (does a comma go there 🤔 ) I only married to try and save my house from foreclosure. He failed miserably at being what I wanted in a husband. Although, his biggest failure was not his fault. He could only be himself, and I just couldn’t create a passion inside myself for him. I tried. I failed. The heart is a dumbass! 🤷🏽‍♀️

I used to think that we could choose who we love. I have seen lots of posts online describing how love is a choice. One post said love is commitment. Sticking in there and putting in the effort and making it work. That last one made me wonder what is wrong with me? How could I be a grown ass woman and not know what love is? I thought maybe I need a shrink. That’s a great idea but how do I pay for a shrink? Ha! $12 an hour 4 hours a day 5 days a week equals, I gotta shrink myself!

How would a session begin? What would a shrink ask me in order to get to the heart of the matter?

Dr. FeelGood: It’s good to meet you today! So tell me, what brings you here?

Me: I don’t know what is going on with me. One day I am dancing around and singing with the music on my radio. The next day it takes every ounce of gumption in me just to make it through my day!

Dr: Hmm, that’s interesting. What seems to be the problem from your viewpoint?

Me: 😳 Umm I don’t have a clue! You’re the professional!! You tell me. “WTH?” I say to myself,”If I had the answers I wouldn’t be here talking to you!”

Dr. Feelgood clears his throat. “Alright no need to get anxious! Let’s try something else. Tell me about your childhood.”

Me:

Dr: “Take your time and give me something.”

Me:”I have Daddy issues that much is clear!”

The Urban dictionary defines Daddy issues as -“What a girl has when she is rejected by her father. Often results in her having trouble finding a significant other and trusting people.”

My daddy didn’t reject me. It was quite the opposite but he died suddenly when I was only 14 years old.

Me: My childhood was the greatest beginning to a life of confusion. It’s been a rough road. If I was to pick a song that sang the soundtrack I would choose Controversy by Prince. “I just can’t believe all the things people say. Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?” I’ve always been straight. Well there was that one time when I was digging my coworker Audrey. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so nothing ever happened.

I am a mixed chick. Black and white like the Dewars sundae. Growing up it affected me because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was far from ordinary. I grew up surrounded by my dads (black) family in a black neighborhood. In elementary school the boys hit and chased me and the girls pulled my hair when they weren’t ignoring me.

Dr: “So from childhood you experienced abandonment from your father.”

Negative attention from female peers and sometimes violent adoration from male peers can mess with a little girls head. Unfortunately, young boys are not equipped to deal with being attracted to the opposite sex! It left me feeling that something was wrong with me. I was not just ugly. I was a freak of nature!

Dr:”Your homework until next time is to determine what you see is the problem that you’re having and how do you define it?”

Me: “This’ll be fun.”

Dust in the wind

Oh I see what you’re doing now 

Had you figured from the beginning 

and I somehow 

Tried not to let the past have any say about now  

It’s all looking good but

It is said that what you see aint always what you get, but I digress 

People are the same whether it’s 

Here or There and everywhere  

One is wanting another

to walk along side 

but discovers

That they only joined in to get You and then 

Once they have had You they become dust in the wind, so

Again you get to easin’ on down the road and then 

Run into another 

dust in the wind 💨 💨💨

I must confess

that YOU that I speak of is me

And I don’t want for you to be 

Another speck of dust in the wind 

Cause you and I could be something special, see? cause we got chemistry 

and I know this you see!

Because I don’t know too many 

who kiss like me

It’s kinda fucked up 

What You did to me 

Got me smh and writing poetry

Coping unadvisedly

Is it better to cope when you’re sober or inebriated? I wonder sometimes because I’ve tried it many different ways. I was so broken from rejection that I drowned myself in liquid spirits until I heard an audible voice. This dark soothing voice offered relief in my darkest moment. “You know everyone who sleeps knows no pain. They lie in their graves in peace. No one is there in the cemetery most days. They lie 6 feet under the ground and they have no disturbances.” As I laid there on the floor of my dark bedroom. I contemplated the possibility of having that peace. No pain. No torment. No rejection. No disappointment. Sounds good I say to myself. Let’s do this! Now how does one make it happen? This suicidal spirit starts to spew out a list. “You could take some pills!”  Uh no what if I get nauseous? I hate vomiting! It’s painful and I don’t like it! “You’ll just get sleepy and drift away.” Hmm. I guess that’s the best way. But what if I am discovered before the deed is done? “Good point…well I guess we gotta do it quickly! So if and when you’re discovered, you are beyond help.”  No no no! I can’t do that to my family! There has got to be a way out of this! 

I know! Imma call somebody who can help! So I make a call and the phone rings and rings…I wonder if you know how it is when at your lowest you reach out for help and no one answers. The phone trills are longer and louder meanwhile time is draws way out. I remember laying on my bedroom floor taking in the dark. In the absence of the sun the dark consumed the light. The all consuming bright light that shone through my bedroom window was a full moon hanging outside and vibrantly lighting up the indigo sky. 

Phone trills again and again and just like the first lifeline I threw out, nothing. No answer.

Growth

May 30, 2023

I want to be your hero! I realize that at this point in both our lives you need your husband to be your hero!

My job as your mother is to let my little birdies fly free and find and/ or become their own hero!

Our relationship has outgrown this living situation. I’m too close to you. You don’t need me smothering you so I can’t do anything but leave your house. I want to be independent and provide for myself. I need my own shelter. I need to be my own hero! 

I’m working on it Boo! I’m grateful to have been your hero while you were younger. I pray that you get the complete life that you deserve! May your hero come through so strong that you never fear for anything again. I pray that you trust that godly wisdom inside you even when you don’t agree with the message. I pray that you guard your heart and keep your mind open. I pray that someday we can speak the same language and understand each other. I pray that if ever, we reach that understanding we are both still alive and grateful. I love you guys. I feel like I understand what having a family should be about. It’s a cold world. Family should mean you don’t have to sleep on the street. Family should also be used in a clutch and not just because. This love should flow both ways right? Like I love you enough to be there to keep you off the streets AND I love you enough that I don’t want to use you or disappoint you. I want you to see me loving and caring for myself. I hope to have a good life now after raising my kids. I don’t know what it looks like but I know I have to figure it out! Have a great day today and everyday. Love mom

Part 2 EXPECTATIONS & REVELATIONS

UPDATE 

I now have an appointment to see a podiatrist on June 5! SMH! The story of my life ! My newest revelation is that the doctor will get to my fractured and painful foot when he can! Until then no one can help me with my pain. I can’t NOT walk! I’m not going to use a bedpan (don’t have one anyway) and I’m not wearing a diaper so I MUST walk on my fractured foot! If it gets worse then I’ll just deal with the consequences of my behavior! Lol! Damn all I can think of is Jhenes lyrics! 

“Tryin to keep myself from looking over the edge! I know life‘s a bitch, but she could least  give me head ! Sometimes I mean is that too much to ask?”

The expectation was that of course if my foot is hurting and fractured now that is an emergency right? So doctor will see me right away! Right? Uh nope! Wrong answer.

This revelation is causing me to think about my family and how some members believe that they must ban loved ones from their lives because they didn’t meet their expectations! I wonder if they will ever have a revelation about themselves and how that choice affected others? I pray they DO someday have their own revelation and understanding of the pain this caused. The pain and loss of relationships with the family members who were as they say, not involved. But what you fail to realize while you nurse your injuries that you blame us for, you ignore the idea, or maybe cannot see that everyone else who loves you both (grudger and grudgee) is injured too. They are not free to love you both. They reside in your life abiding in the fear of being injured by making the choice between the 2 parties. Being neutral is standing in the cross fire. I’m learning that life is fleeting and no two days are the same. Ultimately I am learning that I must expect to depend on myself until I have no choice. I pray that I have found a safe space then, to grow old and die without having someone despise my aging condition and once again I am punished for it.

I saw a video on TikTok yesterday. A woman was in scrubs and showering an old woman with dementia. The old woman kept slapping the CNA’s face because she didn’t know what was going on. For all we know the old lady may have thought that she was being attacked! The reality was that she was a geriatric patient in a nursing facility who had a bowel movement in her underwear. The CNA was cleaning her patient up.

Another revelation: do what is right and understand that you will not always get gratitude or even acknowledged for it, but the man in the mirror will thank you

Expectations and revelations

May 23, 2023

Been doing a lot of thinking, and brushing it off lately… For the most part the brushing off has been about my foot. Walking around with a fracture now since before May 13 I know for sure, cause Cook got me on video! I was limping my way to the stage to receive my Kenti sash in the Black graduation! So, it’s been at least May 10 since my foot started bothering me. Another revelation is that my kids are ready for me to fly away ole bird! I’m learning a lot by listening and thinking about my expectations and the expectations of others. I said that I would be moving out in May, and now that it is May I have a fracture in my right foot! I’m hoping to get that resolved soon! It’s looking like it might be tough to work summer school but I must earn some money if I am to get out of this house.

The revelation is that I have no where to go. My momma house is run down and owned by the bank. My brother lives with his girlfriend and her daughter and grandkids who I would rather not deal with because they are not nice people. These people live so far above their means that they expect someone else to cover their financial shortcomings. My best friend who lives in Oklahoma with her husband has agreed to help me with shelter. How will I get there? How will I get my car there? How will I get to work without a car? I don’t have any money. I have not worked consistently since December. I have been providing full time daycare for room and board. I don’t know what to do. I lost my house. I lost my mom and now I can’t ever go home again. 

I don’t want to be in California anymore. There’s nothing here that reminds me of good memories. I need a new start before my chance is gone. Hopefully I can get into nursing and earn a masters. Come through HBCU! Gimme some housing too please 🙏🤷🏽‍♀️ I promise to work hard for it!

Going postal

It’s an April Tuesday morning and I turn on the television to see the headline “5 dead in bank shooting”. This incident reminds me of an old familiar phrase “Going postal”. Did they say that he live streamed the shit? Wow! What’s troubling is there are some who would find this entertaining! So why are the Tennessee 3 getting so much flak? SMH! It’s obvious that something must be done. Students are not safe at school. Workers are not safe at work. What is it going to take to make this stop?

Hru

Checking in “How are you doing?” My professor asked the class and I thought she must not want an honest answer. People don’t want to share their struggles. For one reason or another we are not comfortable doing so. One reason is that we know that many of us just don’t want to hear it. Another is that we don’t want to seem like we can’t handle things. So the politically correct response is, “Fine”. I believe most of us are not fine. We are just doing what we gotta do, and we have many ‘fine’ moments in between our daily struggles. It is those moments that propel us through life. I need more of the fine moments now. I did what I said I would do. I took care of momma until she didn’t need me anymore. It hurts like hell to be in a world where she no longer lives and I know now 2 years after she died that I will mourn her forever. I need to go somewhere and find my own way. Are you ok?

I am…

I am a breeze, rustling through the Autumn leaves. Crisp clean air that revitalizes the land. I am a ray of sunshine, blanketing the Earth with my …

I am…

Get it off your chest

What do you do when you need to get something off your chest? Speaking of that, you know that phrase, “Get something off your chest”? What is that all about? I mean it is definitely metaphorical but where did the metaphor come from? It’s a Saturday morning and I am en route to one of my closest friends, April’s house. We’re headed to a spa day! Yay!! I’m excited to be near something like a spa! lol I digress! I’m noticing the tightness in my chest and the well of water pressure behind my eyes, and that phrase comes to mind. It’s a weight on my heart that is psychosomatic. Life kicks your ass the longer you live it! We all want to smile sometimes I guess but it’s hard to do it when you’re living life! The hardest thing for me to accept is learning that grief is an unending process. I will continue to hurt from the loss of my loved ones both living and dead. I mourn the first love of my life and the truest love of my life and the deepest love of my life and the hottest love of my life. I wonder if I am the only one? I can’t be right?