Imagine you’re in a deserted place. It’s quiet with exception to the wind and everything around you appears to have survived the apocalypse. You squint your eyes as you do a quick survey of your surroundings. The sunshine is bright even though its rays shine grey because of the overcast. The winds’ whistles are alternately sounding off between gusts of dust and tumbleweeds whipping through. You look for the breeze to refresh you but instead it encourages beads of sweat to run into your eyes. You continue to walk down the road scanning the horizon for life and some evidence that you are not alone to no avail.
As days turn into weeks you settle into your new normal. Every day is the same. You wake up early and search for food and hope that this is the day that you find someone else wandering around looking for you. You walk around the abandoned buildings looking through remnants of yesterday. The thought crosses your mind of how you used to wish for a few minutes to yourself. Your life was always commanding your attention. Mom needed your help with preparing a meal, or your daughter wanted to show you the picture she drew at school. No longer do you have to rush to be on time cause you’ve got more time than you can stand and it’s a lonely life.
The day comes along when the sun shines brighter than before. You’re not sure what is going to happen but you know that something has got to give. Your life just couldn’t be meant to be lived out alone.
You’re walking along a dusty street and you notice the streetlight change to “Walk”. Startled you think to yourself have they been working the whole time? You turn around to return to your makeshift home in a office building and you bump into him.
What the hell? You think and you back up a bit to get a glimpse of the stranger. He’s quite ordinary, about the same height as you but definitely more muscular. The time that has elapsed since you last saw another human being strongly affects your perception. If your loneliness was hunger, and his presence was food you would be drooling over the sight and aroma of this feast!
“How long have you been here?” The stranger asks. “I don’t know. Where did you come from?” You say. “ I honestly don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve lost track of time.” You exchange words. You compare notes. Neither of you really knows what happened to everyone else but you are grateful to have found each other.
The stranger stays with you. He had, like you, been wandering around looking for someone else for longer than he cared to remember.
With no one else around besides the two of you, you begin to form a relationship. You talk and get to know each other. You discover this stranger is attractive and not just because he’s the only man on earth! He speaks with an eloquent tone and you are pleased to witness his movements and you listen. It’s not long before you notice his energy drawing you in and you want to touch him and do things to please him. You’re so excited about it that you have to share with him. You spoil the mood by talking too much and he doesn’t want to discourage you so he just sits there and suffers through it. He watches your lips move as you speak and he hears sounds coming from your mouth but all he can think about is how soft those lips would feel wrapped around his dicc.
He smiles and nods when it seems the inflection in your speech summons a response. Still hearing you but detecting no language at all. Finally, he interrupts you, he takes a moment to touch your face causing you to catch your breath. He stares into your eyes as if to inspect your soul and you fall in love in that moment. It was through no effort of his to win your heart but you fell in love. He did nothing extraordinary nor did he earn it but you gave him your heart. Why? It’s simple.
So I’m in a window seat on this flight to LAX. It’s a small plane. My neighbor in seat 5B has a pet stowed away in a duffel bag. A pet carrier. This damn dog is inside this bag scratching away! Ugh! Why must I always get put next to somebody on some bullshit?! SMH! This dog doesn’t like this bag! It sounds like the banker in Shawshank scratching at the wall tunneling himself out! At least it’s not a long flight. I hope he calms down but I doubt it. Oh well here we go for take off! Wouldn’t surprise if the little guy gets even more excited once we’re in the air. I’m looking forward to being in Las Vegas and on the ground. I don’t care to be high in the sky and at the mercy of gravity! These smaller planes are just like smaller cars! You feel everything better!
I know that I been slacking keeping up with you. My bad bro! Let’s start over I’m Bart! LOL Oh nevermind that! Just a line from one of my favorites! How high starring Method Man and Redman!
Wow! We are way up here! Luckily the noise on the plane is drowning out the scratching somewhat. A childhood friend reminded me about my blog. He mentioned that he didn’t want me referring to him in my stories! Too bad sir! My life is my material! If you’re in it you just might get a cameo. I think we’re over the water. It looks super dark below! Yep! I called it! This damn dog is still going at it! SMH We’re descending and I can feel it. Almost there! Fingers crossed we land safely. OMGEE I smell dog poop! Ugh!
Writing is good therapy right? I know I know it’s just sometimes the words rolling around in my head the way they line up to do their job causes a knot to form in my chest! This gnarl in the center of my torso is distressing me! Instead of letting it dissipate by using my words to give it a voice, I try to starve it by not feeding it my attention…this nagging bitch won’t leave me alone! I’m aware that death is coming cause it came for everyone who is in a grave. We all have the date and we don’t usually know when so we embrace the ignorance and blissfully live in the meantime. Writing is a good outlet for you when you’re ready to let go… I’m not…so I’m stuck with this knot that gets all gnarled up and nags at my psyche. My answer to the anxiety trying to rob me of today…I’m here right now…She’s here today…she’s on her way…I will cherish today and nurse pain later…
I wonder am I the only abuse survivor that goes over the incidents of the past and thinks of ways that I might’ve handled it better? Why is it that I know what to do now but couldn’t do it then? Is it because I hadn’t ever suffered abuse before? Now as a survivor I have new and improved skills? I wish I knew better then. I wish I could undo the pain and scars it left behind for me and my family. I wish…
I keep thinking that I should start doing a to-do list again every morning and journaling my thoughts and feelings. Mostly I feel as if I’m on the edge of sanity and I could use some guidance. At any moment life is gonna happen and knock me over into the dark side! I don’t know if I can come back from that.
My daughter does lists. She says they help her get things done. I wonder if it can work for me? Can a list help me to get in shape? Lose weight? Read more? Could I take my healing to the next level? I think I’m going to give it a 2 week trial and see how it goes. It is said that doing something consistently for 21 days can become habit. Certain behaviors like meal planning, exercise and journaling, becoming habits could change my life! Don’t you think? Me too!
As I pulled up from work yesterday I saw you in the garage. My first instinct was to go through the front door and then I thought, “No! I wouldn’t go through the front door if you weren’t there!” Not talking or being around me was your choice and not mine. I will no longer accommodate you in that effort. I love you. I now understand why you left me. At least I think I do so I am no longer upset about it. If making me dead to you makes your life easier I support it. Please do what you must to have the life you desire and please know that I am grateful for what I learned from you and this experience. Love me