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Led to pray

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. A general statement to say the least. It’s been said that love is a verb, an action word. …

Led to pray

Just Because We are Boys..!

In reading this post I was reminded of the man in which I had longest relationship of my life. It was as if I could not just walk away from him even though I knew that he was almost never faithful. I did what I knew was unforgivable in his eyes to break his hold on me. In order for me to be free of him I counted on his feelings that he did not openly display. Yes boys have feelings and they feel just like girls!

Hello & Namaste.. I know what I am saying, I don’t need any other individual to think in the same way if they have issues ,but yes I would not take a…

Just Because We are Boys..!

Maid

There’s a series on Netflix called “Maid”. I watched the first episode on Friday and went to work. I’ve been binging it today (Saturday) and it’s an emotional rollercoaster. The issues of life to the extreme flood each episode. I imagine the actress portraying the main character Alex had to have had some turmoil getting into character. Hell! I had turmoil watching the show! If I tried to describe the premise of the show I fear it would take me too long. Too much time. Too many words.  So much drama. So much pain. I’d like to say that it reminds me of my life because of all the crap she goes through. My pain and heartache would like to be chummy with Alex and compare notes about our messed up lives! Oh the tears we’d cry! The laughter we’d share over the craziness of our lives! 

But no! Alex and I won’t bond over our similar circumstances because her life is downright hard! I mean I have had a lot of bumps in the road and some really dark moments when I wasn’t sure if I would make it through but I always had someone in my corner. Alex did not. Well not exactly because she has a mom but Paula (her mom) is as nutty as a fruitcake! Paula is either really happy and excited or nearly catatonic every time Alex finds her, so she is not reliable. My momma was always there for me. Once again, I am reminded of the loss of my best friend…RIP Momma

Good morning ☀️

I slept in until 9am! That is very odd for me…typically I wake up around 3am. This new medication combined with my blood pressure medication knocks me on my ass! Lol! Well, I do have some catching up to do after years of waking all through the night taking care of momma, struggling with insomnia and all that. 

I wanted to share my thoughts on depression, thoughts of suicide and dealing with the craziness in the news of all that is going on in this mad world we are living in…If you are feeling like you can’t seem to get from under this dark cloud of depression… please know that you are not alone! It’s a rough life for the majority of us. I know that it seems that others are not struggling like you do but I say that they either hide it better or they cope with it better. Even those people who seem to have it all still deal with the necessities of life. 

Yesterday I woke up feeling really down. I reached out to a beautiful cousin of mine who loves me and refuses to coddle me! Lol. I told her how I was feeling and she recommended therapy! I felt hurt at first, like why can’t you be my therapist? I know that she is there for me and I also know that she’s got her own struggles, so I took her therapeutic advice and went to the gym! If you can’t go to the gym take a walk, or get on the floor and do some crunches or push ups! Get those endorphins going and you will feel better just like me! More later but for now enjoy another rotation of the sun!

You

I keep going over in my head my thoughts The things that you said…

like how it seems everyone either wants a piece of you or wants to test you…

fully understanding why they want a piece of you!

I get it because I’ve lived it and…hell! I want a piece of you too!

I answered the call and your voice warmed my spirit…sounding like liquid sunshine…

the way the lower register vibrates in your speech…such a potent sound…

leading my mind to places that I don’t visit too often anymore…

vivid thoughts and imaginations of that voice making salacious suggestions in my ear

something about you of which you are acutely aware…intangible to the touch and invisible to the naked eye yet it’s there…

it’s what sets you apart from most…it’s what draws us in to you…

like a double edged sword it pleases you while teasing you just shy of fulfillment…

you instinctively know within you lies a greatness you have yet to achieve…

also a darkness you struggle with because you want to let it take front and center but something keeps you from letting it go…

your energy…it draws me in to you…so strong I can feel you from miles away

Hope

This 3am thing is getting worse! What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life missing the hints so I’m back at it with you. We did some good work before and I was hoping you could help me out again.

How do I deal with this pain and regret that I feel every day? I cannot go back in time and undo the mistakes so now what? I’m not even sure how we were able to make such progress before you know? Did the realizations just drop into my spirit? Was it something that I read, or heard from someone else? I’ve got to get back there. To a place where my mind is at peace and I am grateful for my life. 

I’m grateful for my life as I know that it could be so much worse. I could still be stuck in a loveless marriage fighting to be heard. Wishing to be understood. 

I was having a conversation with my kids about religion and spirituality. We determined that spirituality is a good thing and religion is a plague that has taken so many lives and is doing so at this very moment! I wonder how and why it is still so prominent? The way religion breeds division and opposition is crazy! 

What is the point? 

Life is such a painful journey for some. If you’re lucky you learn to embrace the positive things. You look on the bright side. You choose wisely…For those of us who are not so lucky that wisdom is hard earned and at 50 years old we are counting on the one hand the positives that remain. 

Religion offers what humanity cannot. That being that a God that doesn’t leave you in the dark. He is always available. He is all knowing. He loves you even though you’re not always so loveable.

Religion offers hope.

Hope is the one thing that makes life bearable. Today was rough. I wrestled with the guilt of my mistakes. I hope to make amends tomorrow. I hope you forgive me. I hope you are enjoying life. I hope you have all the good stuff that life has to offer. I hope…

Friend

Nothing works. Sometimes you just have to sit with it and nurse the pain like you are friends. No matter how much you hate it. Grief is not my friend. It constantly reminds me of how much I have already lost. At the same, time reiterating how much I still have to lose. Grief is not my friend but it is always there. At 3 am when I cannot sleep and I have no one to call there it is sitting in the corners of my mind replaying mommas voice. I can hear her talking about being tired and I feel tired too. Momma I’m grateful that you are not alone anymore. I wish I could feel alone because grief is not my friend but it won’t let me be.

Grieving or riddled with guilt

Yesterday, I saw the neurologist again about the treatment of bilateral carpal tunnel in both of my hands. I hesitate when I say “hands” because the pain seems to involve my entire arms including my shoulders! Back to the appointment, so I told him that I had ran out of the tizanidine about 3 weeks ago while still visiting my brother in Texas and my headaches have returned. I’m shocked at how I was functioning with these headaches while taking care of my 83 year old disabled incontinent mother! I guess you really just do what you gotta do! I can barely bend over to reach for something and the throbbing makes me want to faint! Doctor said “Ok we will refill your prescription and send you to get a consult for hand surgery.”

At about 4 pm I go and pick up my meds and go to my friends house. She’s letting me crash on her couch. I don’t want to stay in momma’s house alone. For me it is a very dark place and I fear that darkness will overtake me before long. I take a ½ of the dosage and begin to watch Netflix and after a short while I awaken to my mouth wide open! I took ½ of a dose thinking that I might be able to fight the drowsiness but I could not m. I didn’t even know that I was asleep! SMH… Once the evening started to come in I went ahead and took the other ½ and slept until 5:30 am. I woke up and as usual I thought about momma. Momma said she was tired of being alone. I’m so sorry that she felt alone and I can’t help but feel like I let her down. Is this my grieving telling me that or am I battling with guilt? It’s spilled milk at this point. Momma gave up. She is gone for good now. I can no longer be there for her and cure her loneliness. 

Now I wonder if my punishment is to be lonely too? 

Signed 

Grieving or riddled with guilt?

A Dr Suess moment

I’m a writer!

It is what I do!

I write all the time
Even when Im blue..
I’m writing while I drive and even in my sleep
While I try to focus on the day
My thoughts are led astray
From here to there
Words are floating through the air
Try and try as I might
I can’t avert the urge to write