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The book of D-Eli

Imagine you’re in a deserted place. It’s quiet with exception to the wind and everything around you appears to have survived the apocalypse. You squint your eyes as you do a quick survey of your surroundings. The sunshine is bright even though its rays shine grey because of the overcast. The winds’ whistles are alternately sounding off between gusts of dust and tumbleweeds whipping through. You look for the breeze to refresh you but instead it encourages beads of sweat to run into your eyes. You continue to walk down the road scanning the horizon for life and some evidence that you are not alone to no avail.

As days turn into weeks you settle into your new normal. Every day is the same. You wake up early and search for food and hope that this is the day that you find someone else wandering around looking for you. You walk around the abandoned buildings looking through remnants of yesterday. The thought crosses your mind of how you used to wish for a few minutes to yourself. Your life was always commanding your attention. Mom needed your help with preparing a meal, or your daughter wanted to show you the picture she drew at school. No longer do you have to rush to be on time cause you’ve got more time than you can stand and it’s a lonely life.

The day comes along when the sun shines brighter than before. You’re not sure what is going to happen but you know that something has got to give. Your life just couldn’t be meant to be lived out alone.

You’re walking along a dusty street and you notice the streetlight change to “Walk”. Startled you think to yourself have they been working the whole time? You turn around to return to your makeshift home in a office building and you bump into him.

What the hell? You think and you back up a bit to get a glimpse of the stranger. He’s quite ordinary, about the same height as you but definitely more muscular. The time that has elapsed since you last saw another human being strongly affects your perception. If your loneliness was hunger, and his presence was food you would be drooling over the sight and aroma of this feast!

“How long have you been here?” The stranger asks. “I don’t know. Where did you come from?” You say. “ I honestly don’t know how long I have been here. I’ve lost track of time.” You exchange words. You compare notes. Neither of you really knows what happened to everyone else but you are grateful to have found each other.

The stranger stays with you. He had, like you, been wandering around looking for someone else for longer than he cared to remember.

With no one else around besides the two of you, you begin to form a relationship. You talk and get to know each other. You discover this stranger is attractive and not just because he’s the only man on earth! He speaks with an eloquent tone and you are pleased to witness his movements and you listen. It’s not long before you notice his energy drawing you in and you want to touch him and do things to please him. You’re so excited about it that you have to share with him. You spoil the mood by talking too much and he doesn’t want to discourage you so he just sits there and suffers through it. He watches your lips move as you speak and he hears sounds coming from your mouth but all he can think about is how soft those lips would feel wrapped around his dicc.

He smiles and nods when it seems the inflection in your speech summons a response. Still hearing you but detecting no language at all. Finally, he interrupts you, he takes a moment to touch your face causing you to catch your breath. He stares into your eyes as if to inspect your soul and you fall in love in that moment. It was through no effort of his to win your heart but you fell in love. He did nothing extraordinary nor did he earn it but you gave him your heart. Why? It’s simple.

You saw me.

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I gotta shrink myself!

My life is crazy! I am a 48 year old divorcee mother of 3 adult children. I’m currently attending college in pursuit of a nursing degree. My son and I live with my 81 year old mother who is disabled and very sick. My current occupation is titled “Direct Support Person or professional” (one or maybe both of those) and my duties are cleaning, cooking and caring for 5 developmentally disabled adult men. My weekdays start at 4:30 am and most days I’m dragging my ass to get out of bed!

The man that I am divorcing, (does a comma go there 🤔 ) I only married to try and save my house from foreclosure. He failed miserably at being what I wanted in a husband. Although, his biggest failure was not his fault. He could only be himself, and I just couldn’t create a passion inside myself for him. I tried. I failed. The heart is a dumbass! 🤷🏽‍♀️

I used to think that we could choose who we love. I have seen lots of posts online describing how love is a choice. One post said love is commitment. Sticking in there and putting in the effort and making it work. That last one made me wonder what is wrong with me? How could I be a grown ass woman and not know what love is? I thought maybe I need a shrink. That’s a great idea but how do I pay for a shrink? Ha! $12 an hour 4 hours a day 5 days a week equals, I gotta shrink myself!

How would a session begin? What would a shrink ask me in order to get to the heart of the matter?

Dr. FeelGood: It’s good to meet you today! So tell me, what brings you here?

Me: I don’t know what is going on with me. One day I am dancing around and singing with the music on my radio. The next day it takes every ounce of gumption in me just to make it through my day!

Dr: Hmm, that’s interesting. What seems to be the problem from your viewpoint?

Me: 😳 Umm I don’t have a clue! You’re the professional!! You tell me. “WTH?” I say to myself,”If I had the answers I wouldn’t be here talking to you!”

Dr. Feelgood clears his throat. “Alright no need to get anxious! Let’s try something else. Tell me about your childhood.”

Me:

Dr: “Take your time and give me something.”

Me:”I have Daddy issues that much is clear!”

The Urban dictionary defines Daddy issues as -“What a girl has when she is rejected by her father. Often results in her having trouble finding a significant other and trusting people.”

My daddy didn’t reject me. It was quite the opposite but he died suddenly when I was only 14 years old.

Me: My childhood was the greatest beginning to a life of confusion. It’s been a rough road. If I was to pick a song that sang the soundtrack I would choose Controversy by Prince. “I just can’t believe all the things people say. Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?” I’ve always been straight. Well there was that one time when I was digging my coworker Audrey. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so nothing ever happened.

I am a mixed chick. Black and white like the Dewars sundae. Growing up it affected me because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was far from ordinary. I grew up surrounded by my dads (black) family in a black neighborhood. In elementary school the boys hit and chased me and the girls pulled my hair when they weren’t ignoring me.

Dr: “So from childhood you experienced abandonment from your father.”

Negative attention from female peers and sometimes violent adoration from male peers can mess with a little girls head. Unfortunately, young boys are not equipped to deal with being attracted to the opposite sex! It left me feeling that something was wrong with me. I was not just ugly. I was a freak of nature!

Dr:”Your homework until next time is to determine what you see is the problem that you’re having and how do you define it?”

Me: “This’ll be fun.”

Part 2 EXPECTATIONS & REVELATIONS

UPDATE 

I now have an appointment to see a podiatrist on June 5! SMH! The story of my life ! My newest revelation is that the doctor will get to my fractured and painful foot when he can! Until then no one can help me with my pain. I can’t NOT walk! I’m not going to use a bedpan (don’t have one anyway) and I’m not wearing a diaper so I MUST walk on my fractured foot! If it gets worse then I’ll just deal with the consequences of my behavior! Lol! Damn all I can think of is Jhenes lyrics! 

“Tryin to keep myself from looking over the edge! I know life‘s a bitch, but she could least  give me head ! Sometimes I mean is that too much to ask?”

The expectation was that of course if my foot is hurting and fractured now that is an emergency right? So doctor will see me right away! Right? Uh nope! Wrong answer.

This revelation is causing me to think about my family and how some members believe that they must ban loved ones from their lives because they didn’t meet their expectations! I wonder if they will ever have a revelation about themselves and how that choice affected others? I pray they DO someday have their own revelation and understanding of the pain this caused. The pain and loss of relationships with the family members who were as they say, not involved. But what you fail to realize while you nurse your injuries that you blame us for, you ignore the idea, or maybe cannot see that everyone else who loves you both (grudger and grudgee) is injured too. They are not free to love you both. They reside in your life abiding in the fear of being injured by making the choice between the 2 parties. Being neutral is standing in the cross fire. I’m learning that life is fleeting and no two days are the same. Ultimately I am learning that I must expect to depend on myself until I have no choice. I pray that I have found a safe space then, to grow old and die without having someone despise my aging condition and once again I am punished for it.

I saw a video on TikTok yesterday. A woman was in scrubs and showering an old woman with dementia. The old woman kept slapping the CNA’s face because she didn’t know what was going on. For all we know the old lady may have thought that she was being attacked! The reality was that she was a geriatric patient in a nursing facility who had a bowel movement in her underwear. The CNA was cleaning her patient up.

Another revelation: do what is right and understand that you will not always get gratitude or even acknowledged for it, but the man in the mirror will thank you

Expectations and revelations

May 23, 2023

Been doing a lot of thinking, and brushing it off lately… For the most part the brushing off has been about my foot. Walking around with a fracture now since before May 13 I know for sure, cause Cook got me on video! I was limping my way to the stage to receive my Kenti sash in the Black graduation! So, it’s been at least May 10 since my foot started bothering me. Another revelation is that my kids are ready for me to fly away ole bird! I’m learning a lot by listening and thinking about my expectations and the expectations of others. I said that I would be moving out in May, and now that it is May I have a fracture in my right foot! I’m hoping to get that resolved soon! It’s looking like it might be tough to work summer school but I must earn some money if I am to get out of this house.

The revelation is that I have no where to go. My momma house is run down and owned by the bank. My brother lives with his girlfriend and her daughter and grandkids who I would rather not deal with because they are not nice people. These people live so far above their means that they expect someone else to cover their financial shortcomings. My best friend who lives in Oklahoma with her husband has agreed to help me with shelter. How will I get there? How will I get my car there? How will I get to work without a car? I don’t have any money. I have not worked consistently since December. I have been providing full time daycare for room and board. I don’t know what to do. I lost my house. I lost my mom and now I can’t ever go home again. 

I don’t want to be in California anymore. There’s nothing here that reminds me of good memories. I need a new start before my chance is gone. Hopefully I can get into nursing and earn a masters. Come through HBCU! Gimme some housing too please 🙏🤷🏽‍♀️ I promise to work hard for it!

Going postal

It’s an April Tuesday morning and I turn on the television to see the headline “5 dead in bank shooting”. This incident reminds me of an old familiar phrase “Going postal”. Did they say that he live streamed the shit? Wow! What’s troubling is there are some who would find this entertaining! So why are the Tennessee 3 getting so much flak? SMH! It’s obvious that something must be done. Students are not safe at school. Workers are not safe at work. What is it going to take to make this stop?

Hru

Checking in “How are you doing?” My professor asked the class and I thought she must not want an honest answer. People don’t want to share their struggles. For one reason or another we are not comfortable doing so. One reason is that we know that many of us just don’t want to hear it. Another is that we don’t want to seem like we can’t handle things. So the politically correct response is, “Fine”. I believe most of us are not fine. We are just doing what we gotta do, and we have many ‘fine’ moments in between our daily struggles. It is those moments that propel us through life. I need more of the fine moments now. I did what I said I would do. I took care of momma until she didn’t need me anymore. It hurts like hell to be in a world where she no longer lives and I know now 2 years after she died that I will mourn her forever. I need to go somewhere and find my own way. Are you ok?

I am…

I am a breeze, rustling through the Autumn leaves. Crisp clean air that revitalizes the land. I am a ray of sunshine, blanketing the Earth with my …

I am…

Get it off your chest

What do you do when you need to get something off your chest? Speaking of that, you know that phrase, “Get something off your chest”? What is that all about? I mean it is definitely metaphorical but where did the metaphor come from? It’s a Saturday morning and I am en route to one of my closest friends, April’s house. We’re headed to a spa day! Yay!! I’m excited to be near something like a spa! lol I digress! I’m noticing the tightness in my chest and the well of water pressure behind my eyes, and that phrase comes to mind. It’s a weight on my heart that is psychosomatic. Life kicks your ass the longer you live it! We all want to smile sometimes I guess but it’s hard to do it when you’re living life! The hardest thing for me to accept is learning that grief is an unending process. I will continue to hurt from the loss of my loved ones both living and dead. I mourn the first love of my life and the truest love of my life and the deepest love of my life and the hottest love of my life. I wonder if I am the only one? I can’t be right?

Today’s prayer

We all suffer heartbreak. We all live with the expectation of grace from others. It is a sure thing to have some expectations unsatisfied. Disappointment is a part of life. Humans are not always going to rise to the occasion. We let others down. We let ourselves down. We hurt others. Others hurt us. We suffer self harm in many forms. Some choose negative coping strategies like substance abuse for example. Some choose positive behavior strategies like going to the gym or punching a bag. Still others prefer to “feel” better and seek pain relief in the sacred space of another. Another group of people who sabotage themselves will use food or a lack thereof to feed their need to soothe their pain. What works for them may not work for you but we all live the same existence in this world of misery. Religious people are focused on leaving behind this world to either be happy in heaven or burn in the eternal lake of fire. I’m confused by the sentiment that there is a hell somewhere else that is worse than this place! I’m convinced that this is hell. The idea of an in between world,  or purgatory is stupid to me. This is no purgatory! We are born in the agony of our mothers labor and we spend years hurting her. Well I did. Now she is gone and I can’t get back the time I selfishly wasted on my own bullshit. As hell would have it I now am a mother dealing with a daughter who is spending time on her own bullshit wasting time away from me that no matter how bad she regrets it she will never get it back! SMH! It’s crazy how life’s lessons are taught to us and yet we still miss them when we are too busy doing other things that aren’t going to even matter to us in the end. 

I hope and pray that this generational curse ends with my granddaughters. I pray that they are loving and forgiving to their mothers. I pray that my daughters never suffer the heartbreak of their own daughters tossing them out of their lives like garbage. I pray they give them the grace they need to grow from their mistakes. May my granddaughters who nursed at the bosom of their mother care for and nurse their own mothers in their golden years. Be good and kind to each other. Everyday the same sun rises and sets in our little corners of the world.

Jan 5

Good morning! Well it’s morning as I am typing these words. It’s January 5, 2023 8:54 am Pacific Standard my time. Westside! (In my best O’Shea Jackson impersonation) 😬😬

I am going to be Checking in on y’all cause I know that whoever you are you can relate to the issues of life! You know what I am realizing? Humanity is composed of male and female members who are built identically and somehow as an individual person we can be so incredibly diverse. Again, the issues of life are the same. 

Life is birth, living and dying. 

Born with a wealth that capital cannot purchase. Healthy with almost zero mileage on our fleshy heart that will beat continuously and consistently (hopefully) until we are passed the second phase of living and entering into the final frontier of dying…

I’m 52 years old and I will tell you youngsters something you will soon learn…every day IS a gift and we should not waste the present allowing the regrets of the past to taint the breathing of today. 

Oh yeah that newborn babies lungs are barely used in the first few moments of life. Some babies need a little smack to start em up! Lol! My mind wonders if that energy is on the other side of the portal hesitating?! I imagine that beautiful soul saying to itself, “Do not forget that this is only a journey on earth. It is not your final destination. Earth is full of tests that aid the spirit in the discovery of its own gifts and talents. Do not fear the transitions into and out of this life.” 

My thoughts on my life today…I am sad. Heartbroken over the loss of loved ones in my world. Some have transitioned from earth and some live and breathe, but force me to grieve them as well. As you live here on earth and the years pass you mull over the past and devote quiet moments to your mortality. Momma was 85, how long do I have? Who else must I mourn before I transition? What else can I do here? I must have more to do because I am still here?

Check in

I’m going to make more of an effort from this day on to check in with myself. I’m thinking about the best way of going about it. No time like the present to go ahead and begin. So it’s December 4, how am I doing? Well from what I can tell I am doing pretty good. Although, I have this cracking noise coming from my neck quite often and it’s kinda freaking me out. I have this cough in the deep part of my lungs. I’m thinking of going to the gym everyday but have yet to pull into the parking lot. I got up a couple days ago and followed along with a Yoga with adriene video and discovered how tight my hamstrings are! It is painfully obvious that I am not having sex! Lol. Oh well I don’t want to knowingly consort with a man who lies to me! I’m talking obvious lies and not my imagination either! This fool calls me and talks about how he thought we was in a relationship last year and he was in love with me! SMH! We both know as well as my friend who was walking beside me while he told me last year how he didn’t want a relationship! How he just wanted to have fun with me! Negro please?! I got off the phone initially smiling because I was happy to hear that I was wanted. A day or two later I blocked him. I had to decide if I wanted to be lied to or not. I decided against it. I mean like how tall will the tales get? Will I know if I am safe to ride in a vehicle with him? Or will he drive me to a deserted place and collect money for selling my dumb ass to a sex trafficker? I guess maybe my mind is being overly active but this type of stuff happens all the time! I would rather be able to rely on the people around me for my safety. People that I don’t need to question. Check out this bitch! Ttyl

Sunday

Just when you think you got it figured out you learn how much you don’t got figured. People are finicky. One day I am tha shit! The next day nobody knows I’m alive! I realized a long time ago that I am never alone in whatever I’m going through! Someone else somewhere else is fighting the same battle. So here I am dealing with the consequences of my choices and I feel some kinda way. Ya know? I find it hard to carry a grudge. It was never my thing. Shit no one is perfect. No one gets it right all the time so what I look like staying mad about it? Now if you do some really lame shit I have to leave you alone. It’s not a grudge it’s an investment in my future. I deposit what and or who pours into me. I withdraw from the leakages! IYKYK! Choose to be content. If you can’t be content then you must find what you need to be there. Choose to love. Contrary to popular belief you don’t “fall” in love. You choose to direct your love that way. I don’t want to fall anywhere into anything! I want to meet someone who chooses to love me without an agenda. Choose to live in such a way that you inspire others . Food for thought…life is what you make it and you have a choice.