Attention whore

I read somewhere, 

You think attention is love and thats why you suffer.

 I know that I have been there before, confused by attention and mistaking it for love. 

Im older and wiser now. I realize that its a cold world and real love is very hard to come by. 

So going forward Im going to be a bit more careful about the attention I entertain. Most importantly I will love myself cause Im all I got!

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Everyone has a cheesy grin

As per usual I wake up early in the morning and you are on my mind. Its been over 4 years since I left him, but Im still stuck in that place字eeling from the damage that was done to my life. I wonder if it is supposed to be this way? Shouldnt I be healing? Shouldnt I be looking forward to the rest of my life? I dont know but Im not supposed to be here. Stuck. In limbo. Paused. Feeling like I have no place in this world and where I am, in my daughters home, is only because she feels sorry for me. 

I believed in someone who only had their best interest in mind. I am so sad sometimes that I just want to make it stop. I left to make it stop, but the damage was done. I made it permanent so that I could move forward but I am stuck in a place where I feel like Im knee deep in mud. 

I keep thinking about going to talk to someone about it. Im hoping that I will find a way on my own but Im not sure what to do. I cant believe that I am alone in this feeling. 

Looking at the world at others I only see people moving. Theyre moving around in the gym with big cheesy grins so happy to work out. In traffic I look over at the driver waiting next to me at the light and he has a similar cheesy grin! So happy to be driving his car headed to his destination. At work I watch the middle school children talk, run and play with each other and they all own the same cheesy grin. Life is good and everyone is moving forward and Im stuck knee deep in this emotional mud! I think to myself If I stay here Im going to die, and in that same moment I think so what? Death cant be any worse than this and whos to say that its not better?

Thoughts

I wonder how many of us are just barely pushing through each day? 

Like a homeless person weighed down with emotional stuff carrying everything they own with them everywhere they go. 

Its surely a rough thing to choke down the bubbling up of the pain of regret each day. 

The news is full of stories about things that happen with people who dont feel they have a choice. 

Or maybe feeling like they dont have a voice or no one is listening or nobody cares. 

School shootings are becoming more common and nobody seems to care what is going on with these kids!

Bullying is not only face to face but now even in virtual reality! 

I was bullied in elementary school in the 70s and I got a break once I was home! 

In 2021 our kids are so connected to social media that they dont get to break away

Homelessness is an epidemic that is getting worse and as I watched an interview of a tenant of skid row the fear rose up in me.

I dont have a home of my own. I live with my daughter. 

Should she decide that she no longer wants to house me where would I go? I no longer make the income I used to enjoy and the cost of living is growing every year. 

These are the thoughts on my mind at 1:45 am when I cannot sleep

Dearest baby

I started taking antidepressants a few days ago. I gotta admit I think I have a bit more energy but Im still sad. I dont think the pills will heal my heart. I woke up early this morning. Im not sure of the time. It was still dark outside and the world was silent. It occurred to me that although you wont talk to me that I can still talk to you.

Im believing that you may never read this but I cant let that deter me. I need to heal and move forward without you no matter how painful that is. So Im going to start at the beginning and work my way through it. Im hoping that I can find some peace in making my peace with the idea of talking to you. I believe that I know the very night that you were conceived. I rode in an ambulance for the first time. I had such pain in my lower stomach that I had to get it checked out. Bending over pain that I could only lay in the fetal position! Our relationship (your dads and mine) began with a mission to get you! We didnt meet, date and fall in love. We met at school and he followed me around like a lovesick puppy while I tried to get rid of him! SMH! He was determined to get next to me and he eventually wore me down! 

I had a stillborn baby in April of 91. I was 36 weeks along in the pregnancy and he was 8 lbs 8 oz! A beautiful boy and I named him Cameron. I was very heartbroken when your dad found me. My arms still ached to hold my baby. Immediately after I delivered Cameron I asked my doctor to tie my tubes. I didnt want to feel the pain of losing another child but he refused to do it. He said that I might change my mind once I had time to heal. Some people choose to never have more children and some have another right away. That statement stayed in the forefront of my mind and when I relented to your dad’s advances I was clear on my intentions. I asked him if he would help me get pregnant. He jumped at the opportunity with great enthusiasm! A few months later we learned that you were on your way! As you grew in my belly the aches in my arms subsided.

When you were born I was delivered. I no longer suffered the pain of the loss of Cameron. That is not to say that I didnt grieve for him still but that you cured the ache in my arms. Maybe I was wrong to try and soothe myself with another baby. I dont think that you were a mistake but I dont know how we got here. You were my baby and I loved and cared for you. 

Now 28 years later I am essentially dead to you. My heart again aches for the baby I lost. this time its much worse because my baby is gone from my life but she is not dead. How do I deal with this choice that you made?

Weekends

Weekends are the worst when you are dealing with someone who is in a relationship. I know you might say, Thats your own fault! Get your own person! Well you might be right but what if youre not? What if he was mine first? What if we were going through a rough patch and she came along? Then what would you say? 

One thing is for sure you cant make a sound decision without the details. I have been contemplating it a lot and all IS fair in love and war! If you come in the middle of an unfinished relationship you cannot get mad when it blows up in your face!! Im just saying! 

To be honest I dont want to be a I cant wait til the weekends over so we can talk dummy. I will choose to talk to the one who picks up any day of the week. I dont have much to talk about but we can show an interest in each others company. Thats a good feeling! Better than waiting until hes no longer supervised! Gone ahead and relax Boo! Im not going to let it drag on out! Im looking for clear and concise communication. Enjoy your weekends. I will enjoy mine.

Insomnia

Did you know that I suffer from insomnia? I cant remember if I told you. I been awake now for over 2 hours at least. Maybe more夷ts rough living with someone else and having this problem because I worry about making too much noise and waking them up! So I lay awake in the dark and imagine what everyone else is doing.

Passionate memories

I been thinking about my life and the sum of the decisions that I have made. The memory is a funny thing you know? The facts of the past occurences dont change but my perception of them has changed. I remember the choices that I made. The mindset in which I made those choices is somewhat foreign to me. I understand growth. Ive realized that its difficult to make choices for the future when you cant see past the present. 

For the longest time I lived like a teenager with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. I could only see the here and now. A fixed mindset will have you fixed. Fixed or stuck may be a better description. Stuck in a cycle of the same shit day after day. No growth. No upward movement. No capacity to evolve. No ability to change your mind. You broke my heart that day I followed you to Jackies. Up to that day you were all that mattered in the world to me. I was content to give myself only to you. I hadnt even thought of another. After that day nothing was ever the same. Your 15 year old prefrontal cortex ruined my life. I dont blame you. You couldnt see 36 years into the future and realize what you were destroying. We will never know what could have been.

  • Im grateful that you made it right for me in 2002. I will never forget the proposal or that day in December driving through the rain to the ceremony. It was dreary and rainy but one of the happiest and brightest days of my life. Thank you for loving me enough to give me your name. You knew it was important to me to be your wife. I will cherish the memories we share for the rest of my life. We were the best of friends in some of the darkest times of our lives. We shared a passion between us that was explosive and I havent ever experienced the loving we shared again with another. Ours is a complex and living relationship that has outlived any other. Still connected without interaction I know that you will always be a part of me. I pray all the happiness that you can stand for your life. I pray that you have the freedom to be yourself and celebrate your life. I pray that you are loved deeply and honestly. I will always love you. Thanks for sharing your time and heart with me. I pray someday that you can empathize with me.

Just Because We are Boys..!

In reading this post I was reminded of the man in which I had longest relationship of my life. It was as if I could not just walk away from him even though I knew that he was almost never faithful. I did what I knew was unforgivable in his eyes to break his hold on me. In order for me to be free of him I counted on his feelings that he did not openly display. Yes boys have feelings and they feel just like girls!

Hello & Namaste.. I know what I am saying, I dont need any other individual to think in the same way if they have issues ,but yes I would not take a

Just Because We are Boys..!

Maid

Theres a series on Netflix called Maid. I watched the first episode on Friday and went to work. Ive been binging it today (Saturday) and its an emotional rollercoaster. The issues of life to the extreme flood each episode. I imagine the actress portraying the main character Alex had to have had some turmoil getting into character. Hell! I had turmoil watching the show! If I tried to describe the premise of the show I fear it would take me too long. Too much time. Too many words.  So much drama. So much pain. Id like to say that it reminds me of my life because of all the crap she goes through. My pain and heartache would like to be chummy with Alex and compare notes about our messed up lives! Oh the tears wed cry! The laughter wed share over the craziness of our lives! 

But no! Alex and I wont bond over our similar circumstances because her life is downright hard! I mean I have had a lot of bumps in the road and some really dark moments when I wasnt sure if I would make it through but I always had someone in my corner. Alex did not. Well not exactly because she has a mom but Paula (her mom) is as nutty as a fruitcake! Paula is either really happy and excited or nearly catatonic every time Alex finds her, so she is not reliable. My momma was always there for me. Once again, I am reminded of the loss of my best friend吐IP Momma