Cannabis

What do I do about the pain I must endure?

Take the muscle relaxers the doctor prescribed that ruin my liver?

Get the shots in my wrist so my right hand is right again, knowing that is just a bandage on a gaping wound!

Nerve pressure, injuries and ultimately damage resulting in carpal tunnel syndrome

This condition caused me muscle spasms

Spasms radiated up my neck and into the worst headaches I have ever had

My acquaintance with headaches is so well that my bedroom can be made pitch black in a drawing of the purple velvet drapes on my window

I must figure out how to live with the circumstances that define my life while continuing to live

Im too anxious sometimes to accept the end is around the corner when it may very well be many more corners, roads and cities

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Monday morning blues

Writing is good therapy right? I know I know its just sometimes the words rolling around in my head the way they line up to do their job causes a knot to form in my chest! This gnarl in the center of my torso is distressing me! Instead of letting it dissipate by using my words to give it a voice, I try to starve it by not feeding it my attention宇his nagging bitch wont leave me alone! Im aware that death is coming cause it came for everyone who is in a grave. We all have the date and we dont usually know when so we embrace the ignorance and blissfully live in the meantime. Writing is a good outlet for you when youre ready to let go Im not存o Im stuck with this knot that gets all gnarled up and nags at my psyche. My answer to the anxiety trying to rob me of today匈m here right now吁hes here today存hes on her way匈 will cherish today and nurse pain later

Wishing, wondering

I wonder am I the only abuse survivor that goes over the incidents of the past and thinks of ways that I mightve handled it better? Why is it that I know what to do now but couldnt do it then? Is it because I hadnt ever suffered abuse before? Now as a survivor I have new and improved skills? I wish I knew better then. I wish I could undo the pain and scars it left behind for me and my family. I wish

3 am thoughts

I keep thinking that I should start doing a to-do list again every morning and journaling my thoughts and feelings. Mostly I feel as if Im on the edge of sanity and I could use some guidance. At any moment life is gonna happen and knock me over into the dark side! I dont know if I can come back from that. 

My daughter does lists. She says they help her get things done. I wonder if it can work for me? Can a list help me to get in shape? Lose weight? Read more? Could I take my healing to the next level? I think Im going to give it a 2 week trial and see how it goes. It is said that doing something consistently for 21 days can become habit. Certain behaviors like meal planning, exercise and journaling, becoming habits could change my life! Dont you think? Me too! 

3am thoughts

Accommodate

As I pulled up from work yesterday I saw you in the garage. My first instinct was to go through the front door and then I thought, No! I wouldnt go through the front door if you werent there! Not talking or being around me was your choice and not mine. I will no longer accommodate you in that effort. I love you. I now understand why you left me. At least I think I do so I am no longer upset about it. If making me dead to you makes your life easier I support it. Please do what you must to have the life you desire and please know that I am grateful for what I learned from you and this experience. Love me

Cynical

I read somewhere, 

You think attention is love and thats why you suffer.

 I know that I have been there before, confused by attention and mistaking it for love. 

Im older and wiser now. I realize that its a cold world and real love is very hard to come by. 

So going forward Im going to be a bit more careful about the attention I entertain. Most importantly I will love myself cause Im all I got! 

Should someone come along and make an offer 

I dont know what I will do but Im sure to b a hard sell

virus

It has darkened my doorstep again

The first time my mother 

And now my daughter 

I wonder多ow do you deal?

I think of those I dont know who lost so much more than I have 

How do they survive?

Will I learn? I pray that I dont have to but why them 

And not me?

This murderous force of nature knows no names or humanity 

Corona has no life on its own so宇o some It clings and extracts what it can 

Leaving behind death for those it touches 

and misery

For those it spared

F痘 what they say

Im up early on a Saturday morning as usual! SMH. My body is programmed to be an early riser now so I just dont even fight it most days. I just get out of my bed and begin my day. I believe that its a part of getting older anyway. So, Im going through things that happened years ago. Im beginning to have a real understanding of how alone you mustve felt. I remember that fight that happened in Arkansas with your sister. You had to deal with the jealous one recruiting her cousins (who didnt even know you) to mistreat you too. Either they didnt know their own minds, or she bullied them in the same way she bullied her siblings. You had to deal with them all on your own because your sister (whom you believed should have been your ally) was not choosing your side. I think that she was trying to remain neutral but you needed her to choose you and she did not. So, there you were far away from anyone else who would have been your ally feeling like a forgotten little girl. Im so sorry baby 匈 didnt know and I couldnt see past my own insecurities. Im working through this and trying to figure out how I got so far away from the truth! It was there staring me down and I couldnt see it, or I wouldnt acknowledge it. I was so dumb! I thought he was my last chance at happiness!! What a load of crap! He was my worst mistake. I knew it when I was 16! I saw that ugly jealous spirit then and dumped him! But momma insisted that I was wrong about him for 20 years! By the time he came around again I thought I had failed at every relationship up to that point. I was so desperate and frightened that I let this pretender destroy my family. Listening to everyone else but my own child who felt abandoned. Rightly so. I abandoned us both but you should have been able to rely on your mother to protect you. I wasnt even protecting myself! I kept on listening to others saying that it would get better but it never got better. I just lost so much of myself that I didnt have it in me to fight anymore. I just numbed the pain with substances. One by one everyone left until it was just me and him. It was then that I discovered that it wasnt just them that had ugly ways and caused all the drama! I saw that they came by that ugliness honestly and he not only passed it on through his DNA he was the drama coach! Hiding behind a nice persona that he showed the general public. In the moments when no one was watching he went through my phone looking for me to be like him. When I would leave home to go somewhere he followed me hoping to catch me going to meet another man. I guess he wanted to catch me being unfaithful. Looking back, a part of me wishes I had, because he didnt deserve my devotion. Im grateful that I can say that I didnt cheat on him. I kept my word on everything I promised that I would do. He did not. Instead he destroyed my familys dynamic. I let it all happen. Lesson learned. Watch what they do! Fuck what they say!

A new block of 365 days

I realize that time is an ongoing thing. January first is just a day that follows December thirty first. The new year 2022 is not a separate entity from 2021. Its just another block of 365 days, 52 weeks, or 12 months however you want to look at it. I woke up this morning on January 1, 2022 thinking about momma saying, as she was dying, that she was tired of being alone. I remembered all the time I spent away from her, and how she was alone a lot. I didnt mean to leave her alone so much. I just didnt realize that it was that way. I didnt deliberately try to make her lonely. I just didnt think about what she was doing in her house with no car and no one else looking after her. As I think about that my mind goes to my own daughter and how she feels about me. How she feels like I wasnt there for her, and she refuses to talk to me, or come around me. Only thinking of herself and her feelings好ot realizing that she is repaying me with my karma and leaving me alone. Just like me shes thinking that she is right to do what she is doing. Her life is hers, and she feels like she is doing right by her children. I dont fault her, because now that I am in my mothers shoes I understand. I hope that she doesnt hurt like me. 

Now that I am fully awake I am thinking about what I want to do with this new block of 365 days. I want a catalog of the things that I want to accomplish this year 2022. 

2022 aspirations: 

  1. Listen to the daily audio Bible everyday 
  2. Journal my health and fitness journey the whole 365 days 
  3. Read 50 books 
  4. Learn a new skill
  5. Learn to be alone (self sufficient)
  6. Complete Couch 2 5K training
  7. Be consistent in all of the above

I believe that I can do this for this year. I hate that I have not done so in the past. It seems like such a small task to be consistent. Why is that? What do you want to do with this new year?