I now have an appointment to see a podiatrist on June 5! SMH! The story of my life ! My newest revelation is that the doctor will get to my fractured and painful foot when he can! Until then no one can help me with my pain. I can’t NOT walk! I’m not going to use a bedpan (don’t have one anyway) and I’m not wearing a diaper so I MUST walk on my fractured foot! If it gets worse then I’ll just deal with the consequences of my behavior! Lol! Damn all I can think of is Jhenes lyrics! 

“Tryin to keep myself from looking over the edge! I know life‘s a bitch, but she could least  give me head ! Sometimes I mean is that too much to ask?”

The expectation was that of course if my foot is hurting and fractured now that is an emergency right? So doctor will see me right away! Right? Uh nope! Wrong answer.

This revelation is causing me to think about my family and how some members believe that they must ban loved ones from their lives because they didn’t meet their expectations! I wonder if they will ever have a revelation about themselves and how that choice affected others? I pray they DO someday have their own revelation and understanding of the pain this caused. The pain and loss of relationships with the family members who were as they say, not involved. But what you fail to realize while you nurse your injuries that you blame us for, you ignore the idea, or maybe cannot see that everyone else who loves you both (grudger and grudgee) is injured too. They are not free to love you both. They reside in your life abiding in the fear of being injured by making the choice between the 2 parties. Being neutral is standing in the cross fire. I’m learning that life is fleeting and no two days are the same. Ultimately I am learning that I must expect to depend on myself until I have no choice. I pray that I have found a safe space then, to grow old and die without having someone despise my aging condition and once again I am punished for it.

I saw a video on TikTok yesterday. A woman was in scrubs and showering an old woman with dementia. The old woman kept slapping the CNA’s face because she didn’t know what was going on. For all we know the old lady may have thought that she was being attacked! The reality was that she was a geriatric patient in a nursing facility who had a bowel movement in her underwear. The CNA was cleaning her patient up.

Another revelation: do what is right and understand that you will not always get gratitude or even acknowledged for it, but the man in the mirror will thank you