I gotta shrink myself!

My life is crazy! I am a 48 year old divorcee mother of 3 adult children. I’m currently attending college in pursuit of a nursing degree. My son and I live with my 81 year old mother who is disabled and very sick. My current occupation is titled “Direct Support Person or professional” (one or maybe both of those) and my duties are cleaning, cooking and caring for 5 developmentally disabled adult men. My weekdays start at 4:30 am and most days I’m dragging my ass to get out of bed!

The man that I am divorcing, (does a comma go there πŸ€” ) I only married to try and save my house from foreclosure. He failed miserably at being what I wanted in a husband. Although, his biggest failure was not his fault. He could only be himself, and I just couldn’t create a passion inside myself for him. I tried. I failed. The heart is a dumbass! πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

I used to think that we could choose who we love. I have seen lots of posts online describing how love is a choice. One post said love is commitment. Sticking in there and putting in the effort and making it work. That last one made me wonder what is wrong with me? How could I be a grown ass woman and not know what love is? I thought maybe I need a shrink. That’s a great idea but how do I pay for a shrink? Ha! $12 an hour 4 hours a day 5 days a week equals, I gotta shrink myself!

How would a session begin? What would a shrink ask me in order to get to the heart of the matter?

Dr. FeelGood: It’s good to meet you today! So tell me, what brings you here?

Me: I don’t know what is going on with me. One day I am dancing around and singing with the music on my radio. The next day it takes every ounce of gumption in me just to make it through my day!

Dr: Hmm, that’s interesting. What seems to be the problem from your viewpoint?

Me: 😳 Umm I don’t have a clue! You’re the professional!! You tell me. “WTH?” I say to myself,”If I had the answers I wouldn’t be here talking to you!”

Dr. Feelgood clears his throat. “Alright no need to get anxious! Let’s try something else. Tell me about your childhood.”

Me:

Dr: “Take your time and give me something.”

Me:”I have Daddy issues that much is clear!”

The Urban dictionary defines Daddy issues as -“What a girl has when she is rejected by her father. Often results in her having trouble finding a significant other and trusting people.”

My daddy didn’t reject me. It was quite the opposite but he died suddenly when I was only 14 years old.

Me: My childhood was the greatest beginning to a life of confusion. It’s been a rough road. If I was to pick a song that sang the soundtrack I would choose Controversy by Prince. “I just can’t believe all the things people say. Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?” I’ve always been straight. Well there was that one time when I was digging my coworker Audrey. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so nothing ever happened.

I am a mixed chick. Black and white like the Dewars sundae. Growing up it affected me because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was far from ordinary. I grew up surrounded by my dads (black) family in a black neighborhood. In elementary school the boys hit and chased me and the girls pulled my hair when they weren’t ignoring me.

Dr: “So from childhood you experienced abandonment from your father.”

Negative attention from female peers and sometimes violent adoration from male peers can mess with a little girls head. Unfortunately, young boys are not equipped to deal with being attracted to the opposite sex! It left me feeling that something was wrong with me. I was not just ugly. I was a freak of nature!

Dr:”Your homework until next time is to determine what you see is the problem that you’re having and how do you define it?”

Me: “This’ll be fun.”

13 comments

  1. I can say from personal experience that soul searching does wonders. Things I never knew bothered me from my childhood just popped up when I allowed myself to stop suppressing it. So, “shrinking yourself” is not such a bad idea. It’s just doing a little digging in the soul. I hope you find the healing that you seek. Oh and LOVE the Kanye gif!!! LOL! That’s totally my face when I’m asked to talk about something I really don’t want to get into! πŸ˜†

    Liked by 1 person

      • I am happy to hear I could bring a bit of happiness to you! It always feels good to know we are not alone and you are not alone, my friend! Keep seeing that “shrink”! LOL! It’ll all pay off! πŸ˜ŠπŸ’ž

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I believe in you and I have no quams
    Of your Hertiage be you black or white or mix I love you dearly you can fo this wish I was close to help you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We all shrink ourselves you are just brave enough to put in written format! We all have self talk conversations and their is nothing wrong with that, we just need to have more positive self talk which is always easier said than done. I always admired your beauty since we were kids! I thought for sure you would be a famous model one day!
    Don’t worry about the road you have traveled but plan the journey you want to be on and sure you will encounter loneliness, regret but you will also know accomplishment, determination, compassion and happiness! I’m always here for you my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re my cousin who I grew up with like a sister. From reading your writings, I realize we’ve never really known each other. When you’re growing up, you don’t realize other people besides you have struggles too. Thank you for sharing. You make me feel normal.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is the greatest compliment I have received in a while! Thanks sis! I have always loved your loving sweet spirit. I have always found calmness around you! Thank you for reading and I hope I continue inspire you !

      Like

  5. When we can look at ourselves from the outside in and then turn the tables and see ourselves from the inside out, we have begun a great journey. But it doesn’t stop there. We have to see ourselves as God sees us – His creation – perfect – in His Image – capable of great things. Then, we have to set aside all doubt and trust in Him, our Creator, and let Him do the work of transforming us to “Bee what He made us to Bee!!” Go out and live it!! You ARE the salt of the earth! I’m glad I found your blog, “Salty!” See you again soon!

    Liked by 1 person

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