My life is crazy! I am a 48 year old divorcee mother of 3 adult children. I’m currently attending college in pursuit of a nursing degree. My son and I live with my 81 year old mother who is disabled and very sick. My current occupation is titled “Direct Support Person or professional” (one or maybe both of those) and my duties are cleaning, cooking and caring for 5 developmentally disabled adult men. My weekdays start at 4:30 am and most days I’m dragging my ass to get out of bed!

The man that I am divorcing, (does a comma go there 🤔 ) I only married to try and save my house from foreclosure. He failed miserably at being what I wanted in a husband. Although, his biggest failure was not his fault. He could only be himself, and I just couldn’t create a passion inside myself for him. I tried. I failed. The heart is a dumbass! 🤷🏽‍♀️

I used to think that we could choose who we love. I have seen lots of posts online describing how love is a choice. One post said love is commitment. Sticking in there and putting in the effort and making it work. That last one made me wonder what is wrong with me? How could I be a grown ass woman and not know what love is? I thought maybe I need a shrink. That’s a great idea but how do I pay for a shrink? Ha! $12 an hour 4 hours a day 5 days a week equals, I gotta shrink myself!

How would a session begin? What would a shrink ask me in order to get to the heart of the matter?

Dr. FeelGood: It’s good to meet you today! So tell me, what brings you here?

Me: I don’t know what is going on with me. One day I am dancing around and singing with the music on my radio. The next day it takes every ounce of gumption in me just to make it through my day!

Dr: Hmm, that’s interesting. What seems to be the problem from your viewpoint?

Me: 😳 Umm I don’t have a clue! You’re the professional!! You tell me. “WTH?” I say to myself,”If I had the answers I wouldn’t be here talking to you!”

Dr. Feelgood clears his throat. “Alright no need to get anxious! Let’s try something else. Tell me about your childhood.”

Me:

Dr: “Take your time and give me something.”

Me:”I have Daddy issues that much is clear!”

The Urban dictionary defines Daddy issues as -“What a girl has when she is rejected by her father. Often results in her having trouble finding a significant other and trusting people.”

My daddy didn’t reject me. It was quite the opposite but he died suddenly when I was only 14 years old.

Me: My childhood was the greatest beginning to a life of confusion. It’s been a rough road. If I was to pick a song that sang the soundtrack I would choose Controversy by Prince. “I just can’t believe all the things people say. Am I black or white? Am I straight or gay?” I’ve always been straight. Well there was that one time when I was digging my coworker Audrey. I was too afraid to say anything about it, so nothing ever happened.

I am a mixed chick. Black and white like the Dewars sundae. Growing up it affected me because I wanted to be like everyone else. I was far from ordinary. I grew up surrounded by my dads (black) family in a black neighborhood. In elementary school the boys hit and chased me and the girls pulled my hair when they weren’t ignoring me.

Dr: “So from childhood you experienced abandonment from your father.”

Negative attention from female peers and sometimes violent adoration from male peers can mess with a little girls head. Unfortunately, young boys are not equipped to deal with being attracted to the opposite sex! It left me feeling that something was wrong with me. I was not just ugly. I was a freak of nature!

Dr:”Your homework until next time is to determine what you see is the problem that you’re having and how do you define it?”

Me: “This’ll be fun.”