Psyche

Hey lover! Its nice to meet you

Where have you been it seems

As if I knew you way before today

And just now weve reconvened

Conversing with you is such smooth sailing

Gotta to pinch to see if youre real

Im digging your mind, much like mine

Got me, like DAngelo

just how does it feel?

Dialogues that we have

deep waters we tread

Not knowing one another too well

Inspiration within夷nducing dreams akin to

Coming together to tell

of the folly we had  

Amongst the strangers we met

On this road and yet,  no luck

Most not having a clue

As to what is true

Or even to know whats what

It does my heart good to finally meet someone who

Feels like dope to my frontal lobe

Im loving this high, recognizing that I

Could become addicted I hope 鴾

Dating in 2020

Since 1991 I have been, for the majority of that time in a committed monogamous relationship raising children. In 2017 that changed when I decided that I didnt want to live in misery anymore. I dont mean to imply that the entire 28 years was miserable. That was the last decade or so mostly.

Now 2020 has really been an eye opener for me and the way that I have been living my life. I used to feel so guilty when I would choose to do something that I know my mom taught me wasnt lady like. I been hard on myself for what the world doesnt even classify as a misdemeanor! Nowadays folks is committing serious relationship felonies! I mean, how do you call yourself looking for real love and your criteria for a possible suitor has nothing to do with love? Money, looks and property are great, but they dont make a difference in what a person is worth. If materialism is your focus you cant expect depth, authenticity or traits that ensure any longevity in a good relationship. I have already had some crazy experiences this year! The type that most experience in their twenties and I was getting a bit discouraged. Feeling like I am simply a dying breed and I should accept that I will live out the rest of my life alone. Before I completely give in to that I decided to give Plenty of fish a try.

Wow! The depravity of what seems to be the general population is astounding! I didnt post a picture at first because I figure the most superficial clowns would be weeded out immediately! It didnt occur to me that some would still get at me with Hey beautiful! Smh! Fool! How you know I am beautiful? Just jump out the gate being deceitful! Ok thanks for putting me on your game upfront. Delete!

Whos next? I got one straight out offering me oral stimulation! Huh?! My first thought was How many others have you offered your mouth to and how many have accepted? Yuck! No thanks! I may as well use a public park bathroom and drag my labial mucosa across the dirty porcelain ring under the seat!

Next! I get a couple of suitors who dont come off as creepy as fast, but after 2 or 3 messages back and forth I see theyre not gonna be anything Im interested in pursuing. I pick up on fake shit pretty quickly. I cant deal with that! Its a waste of time. I decided to pst a picture and omg! Now Im a freaking celebrity the way the notifications are going off! Out of coming across probably 50 men, one seems to be real. His appearance is not extraordinary in any way. Which is fine with me because looks never really mattered that much to me. If he could make me laugh he could get my attention.

After a couple of conversations my hope in humanity is restored and I hid my plenty of fish profile. I dont have any expectations of this encounter but to make a new friend, and let that lead me into tomorrow. Its sad the world we are living in where fame and fortune are the dreams of most when most wouldnt lend a hand to help you unless they are benefiting somehow. Being famous puts your life on display for the world to praise you when you are relevant and dog you with every mistake you make once youre no longer the hot commodity you were. No one cares for you because they dont know you but you cannot go anywhere without someone chasing you down.

Fortune doesnt seem to do any better job of fulfilling your life. Yes, you can buy whatever you want. Go wherever you want whenever you want but it seems the richest folks got crazy issues! Epstein, Weinstein and plenty others pay for, or take what they want from others trying to fill a void inside themselves. They have so much stuff perhaps they dont recognize the void? 仄賤儭

My advice for dating these days. Get plenty of rest! Youre gonna need it cause these folks is cray cray! Also, dont get your hopes up for finding a good match too quickly. Not if youre looking for realness. 丹賤儭

Eroticism

Spent most of my adult life

Wondering what it means and why

those words that you utter

sound an octave lower than you normally speak and,

I cannot help but shutter,

at the thought of how

It Sounds deceptive to me honestly, but I digress

Reminiscing on how your sex feels

Erotic thoughts going through my head

With you Its a dangerous game for me To play

knowing just what you mean

Im selfish when it comes to you

Your self多elp yourself to me it seems

The pleasure you seek for with use of my body

With no offers to give, but the loneliness

That you leave behind after sharing my personal space

Love is what you do and not what you say

This much I know to be real

A different definition for everyone

Obligatory to some, freedom to others

But do you know what it was to me?

Acceptance, adoration and a craving within

That pulls you to me, only wanting me but then

Its only a fantasy for me with you, and this game wont ever end

Dedicated to His Royal Badness

Confessions of a seemingly broken soul

I have these moments when I swear I miss the ole days so much. At times I feel so heartbroken that I wake up in tears.

Always be grateful for the people who love you. They will be there for you when times are tough.

Trouble will walk into your life and ruin everything and you never saw it coming! Time will fly by and before you know it months even years have passed and (it seems) with them any chance of you ever feeling whole again. Losing loved ones can turn your world upside down!

I miss road tripping to San Francisco with uncle J taking pictures at the beach. I miss M&M and fighting over who is sitting where in the car. I miss making momma breakfast while she sat and watched Bonanza. I miss the phone calls. I miss them calling me and telling me about their day at work. I miss meeting D at the bus and giving him chips after school. I miss watching him walk back and forth in and out of the living room while I sit on the couch and study biology. I miss my family. I miss my life before the enemy came in and I still had the love of my family. I miss my late husband, and our little family of five when it wasnt perfect, but I felt accepted and whole. What I dont miss is feeling insufficient.

Why couldnt our marriage last longer? Is 3 years of happiness all that I deserve? Must I suffer this loss for the remainder of my life?

Every time I let a loved one down… Every time they were hurt and couldnt depend on me. I wish I could take it all back…

Regret feels like a bruise just beginning to heal. Violet in color and sensitive to the slightest touch. Youre painfully reminded every time you accidentally bump it, of the initial injury.

Ive since moved on from the troubled relationship because of what it did to me and my family. It broke my family structure. Now, everyone has moved on and embraced their new life but me.

Sometimes I wonder is my punishment for not knowing better to suffer the remainder of my life alone? I lost the family that I knew then and I wonder if my family ever be whole again? Looking back it looks like a domino effect came through and wiped out the life I knew in one fell swoop!

My first loss was becoming a widow at 25 years old. Next my carrier in hygiene destroyed by occupational injury aka mild bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome (dont get it twisted the pain, tingling burning sensation coupled with numbness by no means feels mild!) Because I could no longer work I lost my house, and my car. My hope for what would be my future is all gone. I imagine this is how the baby who spilled her milk and cries at the empty cup feels.

Again, it seems as if, there is nothing I can do now to ever feel whole again. I live my life one day at a time heartbroken and helpless to put my family back together again. The family my husband and I built is gone forever. I so regret the pain that everyone suffered.

When I get these moments where I am feeling like Im gonna fall apart I will remember that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This will be my saving grace that I can be grateful for that I didnt give up.

Old friends

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Hey whats up old friend? I know its been a while since we really pressed flesh and I gotta tell you how sorry I am for that. I certainly didnt mean to just fade to black on you. Its just that sometimes thing are so one-sided with you.
In the beginning, it was cool because you know, you were so attentive to me! You hung onto my every word. I recall coming home from school and being physically tired but mentally stimulated by the spirit that lives on the campus of every institution of higher learning. Aw man I am sorry. I know that you cant relate to being a college student, or a student of any kind. Seeing as how youre just a blog. Anyway, back to me and you and its been too long since we communed. I been distracted by the outside world, and hopelessly trying to find a place in it. Sigh名ill I ever learn? Why cant I just accept my weirdness as a positive thing. I am me, and who would I rather be? Um吉o one匈 thought for a second my eldest child, but immediately dismissed that idea when realizing being her would mean French kissing her husband! EW! Sorry! Hes my son! Yeah, I know his mothers name was Denise and she bore him, and raised him until he was 11 years old. Some years later he married my daughter, and danced with me at their wedding and in that moment in time my heart adopted him as mine. Hes legally my son because he married my child. Spiritually he is my son because my heart loves him as a mother does her son. So no, there is no one else that I would rather be. Im not trying to be braggadocious at all, because I am and will continue to be (as long as I have a sound mind) a work in progress! I have arrived in a place, I am calling it a season, where I love myself because I deserve it. It is a basic human need to belong to someone or something. As a child I was my parents daughter, my brothers sister. I grew up and became a mother 4 times, and someones wife 3 times. I felt like a failure in each role, as I am moved through life. I let my momma down as a kid. I didnt behave, listen (as much as I should have) or obey. I wished she would have whipped my ass a few more times. It wouldve saved me a few holes in my head. Smh. I didnt learn the lesson of being a servant and holding that role in high regard (because it should be) instead I had to wait to become a mother myself, and reap the harvest of that lazy disposition in my 3 kids behavior for myself!
I remember calling my momma and apologizing profusely about my shameless and defiant behavior as a child! How dare I make messes and just expect you to clean it up! Now as a mother I was getting it times 3! Smh.
I been thinking about you, and how lost I was when I started blogging. Its an online journal I imagined, but you became like a traffic sign for me. In writing and thinking out loud, so to speak, the signs would appear in the road ahead. Set cruise control Once I began to see the signs that encouraged me to stick to what I was doing. When I met D and he showed me who he was dead end ahead. That was a gold star for recognizing, acknowledging AND avoiding the red flags! I have learned through the 50 years I have now lived you may as well embrace the truth. Yeah sometimes it an be brutal, hurtful and downright in your face when you would rather embrace the cuter and cuddlier lie standing in front of you promising you the world. Smh. Nah Boo we done with that because dead ends mean new beginnings and thats all good, and I want to get there (to each new beginning) filled with the hope and faith that blessed me up to now. So, I stopped blogging and started writing to a pen pal. The human interaction is wonderful, especially when the conversation moves between you like a tennis match between the Williams sisters! No fouls because he is a genuine human being that is just being himself and vibing with me. I didnt have to call a time-out because I caught him in a lie, or he did something that made me wonder about his actions when he is not in my presence. We never had a ball go out of bounds because he is soft spoken, and gentle with me. I never had to try and raise my voice above his when we had a disagreement because he wanted to hear what it was that I needed to resolve the issue, and when I owned my part in the misunderstanding he respected my accountability and began to speak of sudden ailments that he was beginning to have. While conversing back and forth one day he says hes having trouble staying upright! I ask him if he is potentially needing to seek medical help after the next symptom kicked in! I dont know whats wrong with this seemingly healthy red-blooded American man of African Islamic descent but not only cant he seem to stay upright on his feet he is now suffering from a chronic case of tachycardia anytime hes near me, or is entertaining subtle intimate thoughts about me. About we and what could be. Now I am really starting to be concerned that possibly I am not a good thing for him anymore. Maybe he has developed some sort of allergic reaction to me, or maybe its my perfume cause today he complains of shortness of breath! Sigh. We were vibing so good. It seemed like he might be the one that could fit the crown of my head with the most precious jewels. The stones that he holds most dear to his soul. He tells me they call them pillars in his faith and they are a foundation to his way of life, or rather His way of life. Sadly no, I dont think its gonna work out. Smh.

Sudden bereavement (A new term and condition for me)

https://www.suddendeath.org/uncategorised/49-meet-the-expert-ptsd-following-sudden-bereavement
There were a lot of people at the park yesterday and many like me close to the 14 year old drowning victim. I saw them performing CPR. I saw that look of disbelief and fear in the eyes of her loved ones. I felt helpless to do anything and then I saw people beginning to get mad. They werent doing CPR correctly! And someone shouting out to folks Stop filming this! They appeared to be reaching out to snatch peoples phones away! I got scared and thought this can get bad fast so I prayed that God would intervene and keep it peaceful out there. As far as I know God answered my prayer. But I didnt think I would feel the loss of that life because I didnt know her, but I do. Im hurting like I knew her personally although I dont even know her name. For anyone who might not know it we can potentially bereave a stranger. Just because I didnt know her doesnt mean that I dont realize 14 years is a short life. Smh. I remember being 14 years old! I pray for her family that they dont take on unnecessary guilt for this tragedy. Dont blame yourselves because if you knew it was going to happen you would have prevented it! We dont see things coming while living life we are going along headed for the same end. Everyone of us, but we dont know when or how so dont waste a minute of it! Rest in heaven youngsta! I pray that you never knew what happened and you just woke up in heaven踢踢 #heartbroken #yourlifemattered

Brotherly love

Its June 8 2020 and I am moved to tears
Watching the news seeing the protests
Both far away and near
I hope that George Floyd can see from above
Though he died in the street like a dog
In the hearts of many
his memory is forever logged
The history of the US
Shows many that were
Murdered in the street in just the manner
and no one said a word
But the little boy that called for his momma begging for his life
Touched the hearts of mothers everywhere
All colors, including black and white
We didnt know him but we know the bond
Almost every human shares
We all have a mother and/or someone who cared, for us
Im scared for my grandchildren and what the future holds
I pray that world is unrecognizable to us for racism no one knows
My prayer for the community of future is that
they all work together to live
That no one profits from taking from another
And greed is punitive
Brotherly love is the currency we spend to build our homes there
People working together to better each other is my prayer

If walls could talk

silhouette of a man in window
Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

If the walls of a cell in an ad-seg hell
could tell a tale
would the world believe the crazy things
these walls have seen
The humanity in a human just fading away
watching a monster being created day by day
the hatred that brews inside of a lost soul
why must a man who tries to kill himself
be placed in a hole?
he’s a problem, he’s punished, instead of being told
man it’s not worth it just hold on
or even asked one simple question
whats going on?
If the walls of a cell in an ad-seg hell
could tell a tale
would the world believe the crazy things
these walls have seen
Heads being smashed against them by cellmates
and C/O’s alike
Because of something said the other did not like
the mental manipulation and brutality is just not right
tears they have seen from a kid that’s been demeaned
from a sexual assault he thought was a dream
pills in a drink made by his celly, the one he called his big homie
If the walls of a cell in an ad-seg hell
could tell a tale
would the world believe the crazy things
these walls have seen
The letters that pass through the doors of their cells
some bringing cheers others bringing hell
halfnaked women taped on them covering up their view
it’s hell in an ad-seg cell only if you knew
by Khalil

Water

Would you believe I searched for poems written about hurricanes and found none that conveyed

the waves of emotion that crash onto the shores of my loved ones heart
Not one mentioned how
smoothly the waves curl onto each other time after time with no break in the tides
These unbroken chains of water molecules seemingly whole reminds me of the way my love strings her words together to transfix my mind to meet here there. On the whitest of sands
Meeting the bluest of salty waters
Rhythm is heard in the crashes of waves
My love takes my hearts hand with her pen
She kisses my forehead with her sapient conscience
Feeding my libidinous urges
With suggestions of the verbal sort
Get comfortable, comfortable夙et comfortable, comfortable印ets distance your pride妃e fall in love with your mind夙et comfortable, comfortable

His bouquet Of flowers

Being biracial as a kid I suffered that standing out thing. My paternal African American grandmother would tell me about Gods beautiful bouquet of flowers that represented His children. When I asked why I couldnt just look like my cousins so I could feel like I belonged? Madea asked me, Whats more beautiful? An entire bouquet of red flowers or a bouquet of flowers in every color of the rainbow ? I agreed and she then confirmed in my spirit that I was hers, I was beautiful and I belonged because I was a color that belonged in the rainbow. Thanks Madea! I know you never left me弘弘弘弘