I’m back at it again with my mom and attempting to care for her in her home. I’m overwhelmed and ill equipped to do so alone. I have my son to do the heavy lifting but she is a sick old lady. On top of the sickness she and I are constantly on this push and pull thing between us. Momma been fighting me all my life. Trying mainly to get me to listen. For one reason or another we learned to stay in this loop of antagonism. While I was growing up she would try to teach me basic things like why you leave the butt ends of the bread in the loaf until you’ve consumed the entire loaf. The two ends keep the bread in the center from drying out as fast. Do you know how old I was when I stopped to listen long enough to her to learn that?!! I was 49! 🤦 Caring for my aging sickly 83 year old diabetic mother is a lesson in listening for me. I’m going to make a pretty canvas print with the words “Just listen ” and one that reads “Be kind” to hang on the wall in her room.
This is what life is about for me. At 50 years old I am tasked with loving my mother by caring for her as she can no longer care for herself. The nursing home that she was in was neglecting to treat the wounds on her feet. I would rather have her in a place where she can have 24 hour care but because of Covid19 restrictions I was not able to advocate for her care in person. It’s a sad thing but the people who work in the nursing homes sometimes don’t do the best job of caring for the patients. I’m sure they are overwhelmed and it’s hard work but my mom could lose her feet if the ulcerative infection reaches the bone. So she’s home with me now and I’m responsible for her care. Wish me luck with the toughest but most rewarding job of my life.
I will be updating this letter and mailing it out today to include my momma has oozing bleeding rancid pressure sores on her feet!
December 31, 2020
Monique Hawkins Resource Family Ombudsman Kern County Department of Human Services P.O. Box 511 Bakersfield, CA 93302
I am writing to you because I am concerned for my mom. She is in:
2211 Mt Vernon ave
Bakersfield, Ca 93302
Her name is
Mary Young DOB 3/1/37
I have cared for her for the last 20 years until November 2019 when she fell and broke her leg at home. She was admitted into a facility off Olive dr for a week until I had her physician Dr William Bichai transfer her out if there due to her getting diaper rash after being there less than a week! Before Covid19 restrictions I frequently visited my mom ensuring that her care was not being neglected as with her not being able to walk I could not care for her at home.
She has bedsores on each heel and she is concerned that the nurses are not treating them as often as they should be. Today, January 1, 2021, she called to tell me that her heels are bleeding. On December 23, she fell in the bathroom while attempting to use the toilet alone because no one answers the call light. My mother is unable to hold her bladder and every time that she stands urine runs down her legs. She informed me today that the woman ‘Shawn’ has not been there yo treat the wounds on her heels in a few days. When I asked about the treatment on her heels the answer was that the floor nurses are doing it now. I’m concerned that blame is being passed around and instead of my mom getting the care that she needs so that she doesn’t lose her feet. Please help me as I am unable to make sure that my mom is ok. Dr. Bichai is doing a great job communicating between the nurses and I but I understand that he can not be right there either.
I been up for almost 2 hours and I can’t sleep. I’m worried about momma. She’s in a nursing home and with Covid-19 restrictions I can’t see her. Everyday she’s calling me telling me all her troubles. Sick old people troubles nothing extraordinary, except that COVID restrictions keep everyone who might visit out, therefore leaving room for neglect by the employees who do not have a heart for the patients. Nurses who care for cute and sickly babies are more likely not be neglectful, but those who are in geriatrics are not the same. I get it that geriatric patients are not so cute and cuddly. Some have dementia and can be cantankerous and combative. While others are not so bad they stink and have opinions about their care. I can see how it could be a hard job to perform.
I don’t want momma to feel neglected. Due to her incontinence, I won’t sleep with her in my care. Due to my heart for her, I cannot sleep with her in that place. I’m so torn about the decision to take her home because I know that I am not capable of doing it alone, but this facility has tons of people and they don’t seem to be able either. At least if and when I fail her she will know I love her and I am trying. Those people don’t care about her. It’s a job to them. She’s my momma. I hope that I can take her home and be successful in caring for her…God if you’re real, I could use some help now🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
“the first step to freedom. I admit to myself that something is seriously wrong in my life. I have created messes in my life. Perhaps my whole life is a mess, or maybe just important parts are a mess. I admit this and quit trying to play games with myself anymore. I realize that my life has become unmanageable in many ways. It is not under my control anymore. I do things that I later regret doing and tell myself that I will not do them again. But I do. I keep on doing them, in spite of my regrets, my denials, my vows, my cover-ups and my facades. The addiction (I wouldn’t call my issue an addiction, although in some ways I guess it could be viewed as such, I will call it a dysfunctional behavior that I am stuck in a vicious cycle of repeating) has become bigger than I am. The first step is to admit the truth of where I am, that I am really powerless over this guilt and that I need help.”
I take on every ones problem and try and fix it. When it all falls apart, because it’s not my job to fix everything, I blame myself for it and internalize that guilt and wear it like a weighted blanket.
Who named me the fixer? 👀 Why do I think I can fix anything while I myself am in need of fixing? 🤔 What do I think I can do and how do I get off this hamsters wheel? Where are the answers to my questions?
The answers are inside me. I choose to ignore them when they feel wrong. What I mean to say is that I can recall times when I knew in my heart that what I was going through was not going to end well for me but I ignored my intuition for someone else’s opinion! I don’t trust myself, because I have allowed the opinions of others to influence me. Even to the point of my own self worth. I’m now realizing that has gotten me here. In a place of real loss and regret.
Many of the choices that I have made that led me to this place cannot be undone. In fact, all of my past mistakes are just that, passed. I can only examine myself and learn from them. My thoughts on step 1…others opinions of me are completely out of my control and therefore not my job to try and influence. I will begin to be true to the voice within that wants what is best for me, not what will please another. It’s not my job to fix another’s life. I will be good to others, but not at the expense of my own care. I will help others if I can. I will not hurt myself to do so.
I been thinking…what do I do about my fighting back tears every day? My heart hurts… Like many people nowadays I am lonesome for pre-Covid-19 days. I miss the freedom of being able to visit my elderly mom in the convalescent home she now lives in. I miss feeling completely neutral about going out to dinner and drinks with a friend. But my aching for what we knew as normalcy goes back further than Corona. I long for my now adult kids to be my babies again. Void of the scars that my and my exes failed marriage/unblended family caused. My desire is for myself to be unfettered by pain, but I seem to wake every morning and don the anguish like a coat. This coat weighs me down! All day every day I go over the long list of regrets I carry with me and fight the tears. I can’t change what happened so how do I move forward? Maybe a 12 step is in order. I don’t know what this entails but I’m gonna do some research. It seems to have been used with some success with addiction. I feel like I am nursing this pain and regret like a caustic pacifier. So I am going to move forward. I don’t know how. I don’t know what it will take but I’m letting this go! No! I’m evicting this from my life. Just like the toxic people that ushered in the greatest lessons and the most terrible feelings of my life, they must go! Next time 12 steps in full swing! I think
(For segment on essential caregivers skip to 16:32)
Please help me bring ‘essential caregivers’ to California! My mom is in a home and has been residing there throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Prior to the restrictions I would visit here every other day! She is getting so lonesome for her family and I want to take her home, but her medical/physical needs outweigh my capabilities. She is bound to a bed/wheelchair and needs maximum assistance to get up and out of her wheelchair/bed. Covid-19 restrictionists make it like she is in prison but her only crime is being sick and elderly! My heart is breaking for my mom and others who share her plight. So far 7 states have instituted programs for ‘essential caregivers’ to go into these facilities and visit with the patients to boost their morale. This is much needed for some of these folks have absolutely no one to live for and many have passed on due to not thriving due to COVID-19 restrictions. I am only one daughter who is heartbroken for her momma and many more elderly who are shut in and feeling like they may as well die. Please help me bring awareness to this problem and establish the solution of essential caregivers!
With love for our elderly,
PS I am not talking about essential workers! I’m talking about volunteers who would visit these places to help the patients not feel like prisoners!
If someone you loved who was supposed to love you cut you out of their lives without explanation. Would you want to know why?
I’m in that predicament and I’m feeling like if it’s too much trouble to tell me how you’re feeling about it why should I worry? I can’t fix it. I can’t fix me. You don’t care enough for me to help me see the errors of my ways so what should I do? Stress myself out for an indefinite amount of time until I have to get on with my life and keep committing the same offenses?
I don’t know, it feels like I didn’t really have a chance. It hurts when I think about it.
I thought they would always love me. Not true. People can decide for themselves and they can toss you out of their lives! I was ignorant and I thought it would be different. I thought they would always be there to love me because I was there from the beginning. I don’t know if I will ever get over it but I hope that they are happier without me than they were with me.