Kindred

Today is May 30, 2021 and I am sitting on a beautiful deck/porch in LaRue Texas. The Memorial Day weekend is one event where this family comes from all over the surrounding area to eat and celebrate each other. Within 100 yards of each other are 3 homes in which some the elders in the family live. Its a densely wooded area and unlike anything a California city girl like me has ever seen. The younger members who come in from the Dallas area range in ages from 3 years to 60 somethings from what I can tell.

Im amazed at the familial connections I witness between everyone. Its as if they all live under one roof! The home with the deck belongs to the whole family and Uncle TK, as he is called lives and manages the house all year. We (my brother sister in law and I) stayed the night in one of the bedrooms. When I woke up this morning it was a crazy sight for me to see!

Walking through the home from the bedroom to the front door sleeping bodies in the recliners, on the chairs and sprinkled all about the floor were members of the family. I havent ever seen such a sight! Im in awe at the beautiful solidarity of this family! I dont envy much but I envy this.

Love in its purest form provides the glue that keeps these family members coming back to commune again and again. Its a beautiful thing. My heart is moved and I am sad to realize the sad and broken state of my own kin.

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Ego

What is the ego? Is that the emotional side of us or the mental? I have heard of a bruised ego, inflated ego and practice of keeping your ego in check, and I wonder if it is a whole other entity within us? Maybe its a scapegoat that we use to blame when we have to face our shortcomings!
I imagine the guy in the movie Animal House with the good angel on one shoulder and the devilish angel on the other trying to decide if he should take advantage of the girl whose passed out drunk. Is that what ego looks like?
Theres one incident that happened years ago and I keep going over it in my head. It was very late at night and we (my then husband and I) had just been awakened by our daughters having a shouting contest. He was being his typical self-serving self and threatening to put my minor child out of the house for this fight while allowing his adult daughter to stay in the house. I keep analyzing this incident and trying to figure out how I let him get by with threatening my baby with homelessness while allowing his adult daughter to stay? I was being victimized and at that time I was unable to defend myself! Let alone make valid arguments about how his adult daughter could sign her own lease and live independently while he evidently didnt care about my minor child or me I continued to endure the abuse because God hates divorce and I wouldnt have to wait much longer for them all to be grown and gone out on their own!
I believe that its my ego that wanted to say that they were both wrong at the time, but I was determined to wait it out because they not getting along wasnt my husbands fault匈 kept blaming the kids for their behavior! I didnt understand that they couldnt learn appropriate behavior from an incompetent parent! Hindsight is definitely a lot clearer. I think my ego wants to make it right somehow but I cant go back and stand up for myself or my daughter on that day. What I can do now is tell the world that you must pay attention to how people operate and decide for yourself what is going on behind the lies they tell. He didnt care about me or my family. Not then, not ever. He wanted a collection of trophies and I was the softest, warmest and prettiest one! He needed a warden for the juvenile delinquent kids he created. I was the perfect choice. A widow with low self esteem and a desperation to be loved. I believed that he was my last chance at love. I thought that he was a good guy! SMH! Before today I never really had a chance at love because I didnt love myself enough. If I had enough regard for who I was he wouldve never got past my front door!
I didnt know that I was a prize to be won! My mentality was so bad then. Thank goodness for growth! I now know that Ego- my conscious mind- had checked out due to my inability to cope with the abuse that I was suffering and now I understand that I didnt have the tools that I needed.
I failed to protect myself and my family because I didnt know how at the time. Everything happening to me was too overwhelming for me and I looked to others to guide me, and they had hidden agendas that I couldnt see. For a while following the dissolution of that relationship I would say that it was a waste of time. I have the gift of wisdom and experience that says that no one is going to look out for me. I must do it for myself! My baby had to learn that lesson too soon and I know that he lost a good woman that he never deserved to even know.

Finding my way

I been thinking about making a plan for my life but it seems too much to contemplate. Im worried about growing old and dying alone but not so much that I care to entertain any suitors who try. They flatter me and I try to get to the point of reciprocating the energy. For some reason I dont find the idea attractive. I just keep mulling over it like its a chore Id rather skip over. Why even try again? I do realize that I have to give someone a chance if I expect anything to happen, but I cant find my way. I believe that its probably better not to try.

With this revelation I have to go forward and find what does work for me right now.

Casual dating is not the answer. I dont want a fling. I want a partner and that means becoming the vision of who could move me to want them in my life. I spoke with a friend about manifestation and bringing about what I want so I intend to start there.

I bought a book and a journal today. The book is titled, The black womans guide to understanding the black man, written by Shahrazad Ali.

I know that in the basic sense of relationships color doesnt matter and with this book it is not the subject that interests me as much as the author. I do want to understand all that I can about my son, my brother and my future partner. I also want to learn about the author her mindset and explore the wisdom she has. I feel led to do so. I will start with this book and use my journal to make a list of things that I can do to make my life better without the aid and interest of a man.

 

I began this note some days ago. I have had some exciting things happen since then. I spent the day in the ER after suffering an allergy induced asthma attack. After IV meds and breathing treatments and the day turning to night I was discharged. That event set me on this path of taking better care of my body. They poked me 3 times before they found a vein that didnt blow as soon as they tried to draw blood! The vein that stood up to the abuse was located in the lower part of my forearm and in the most sensitive part! So every time they injected something into the IV I experienced the worst burning sensation! Ugh! Just my luck! But this does not compare to the dating portion of my life right now.

 

The most recent and interesting event of my life has been the virtual meeting of what seems to be a good looking narcissistic man! He is no real stranger to me, because we grew up in the same neighborhood, but weve never actually met. He is closer to my older brothers age and he mentioned my brother by name when he messaged me online.

I had given up on dating for a while. I was getting tired of the bullshit men I keep attracting! I figured that I should get to work on being the version of the type of partner that I want to attract.

 

So, I figured since the ER doctor forced my lungs open with steroids and meds that I would take advantage of my bloods oxygenation and get out and walk! Im working towards the goal of 10K steps per day, and then onto Couch to 5K! Im on day 4 and I have yet to reach my goal but I feel so much better both physically and mentally, or is it emotionally?

 

So, back to Mr. Friendly! SMH! I am so grateful for the wisdom that I have from my dealings with my old friend E! A classic narc of the textbook sort! My dealings with E helped to sever my relationship with my high school sweetheart and taught me the classic signs of narcissism.

E started in on me on day one with  lovebombing! In case you didnt know that term its when they shower you with this overwhelming amount of lovely sentiments and romantic gestures. Now dont get me wrong I know that love takes time to develop, and I shouldve known better but I was fresh out of an abusive relationship in which I was starved for any sort of affection or attention every time my actions didnt please my partner. My spiritual condition made me vulnerable and I drank in Es meaningless words as if I had just spent a week wandering through the Sahara!

Only to find he only wanted to draw me into himself to play with my feelings and use me for his own validation. Luckily I didnt get too far with him. He made the mistake of telling me to pray and ask God about him. I dont think he really believes in God, instead he uses God to convince others that he is a saved and righteous man. My prayer fast lasted 13 days and it was on the last day that I was instructed to speak to his ex, and his friend who happened to be someone that I knew very well. They both warned me to get away from him in a hurry! I trusted them and did what they said. I found out that he was indeed the snake that my friend said that he was, and more! Now I know better than before that you trust actions and not words!

 

Wisdom is a gift so precious, because once you feel that heat from the flame you know, for the rest of your life not to get so close that you get burned. This new narc, Mr Friendly I will call him will move on pretty soon I am sure. I will starve him of my attention. Day 2 of our interactions online and he is inundating me with sentiments like, You been out of my life too long Im not letting you get away this time! Umm, I was never close enough to be in his life! We have literally never met face to face! Seriously guy?, SMH! No baby boy! Im not the woman for you and you are not the man for me! Im not looking for a redo of Eloc! Never again will I allow loneliness and hurt to convince me to entertain foolishness! Mr Friendly will move on to his next pick, and I will continue on with my quest to find someone real.

My heart is still broken but it works just fine. I can feel love as well as pain and I will be damned if I let anyone else get next to me that clearly means me no good!

Stuck

Every morning its the same thing.

Im not feeling like I have another opportunity for joy in my life, instead I am worried about the next loss I will suffer名hos next to leave me? My closest sibling (my older brother) spent a good majority of his life wrestling with demons of depression and is not in the best health. My heart hurts at the thought of him laying in a casket! So Im clinging onto him as if he is my lifes blood right now! If Im honest I know that just because hes not the picture of health doesnt mean that he is next… in fact I believe that he will fight to stay with me just like momma did! I know that we all have to go some day but that doesnt prepare you for the reality of it. The reality of this world without momma is a nightmare that I continue to endure day after day.

This sadness is not going anywhere easy and I am tired of holding it in my heart妃y hardest work ahead is to enjoy the here and now and let what tomorrow brings wait until tomorrow. How Im supposed to do that?

Signed feeling kinda stuck between yesterday and today

Leo

April 4, 2021

Its early in the morning (6:18 am) and Im up having a ton of different thoughts going through my mind. Im thinking mostly about a friend that I spent the day with yesterday. We have known of each other for a few years now but never spent any real time together.

He spoke of a few pet peeves while we conversed but I was careful not to say too much. Im learning when getting to know someone that I must listen and consider what is being said. Not so much to recall those details, but to look behind and try and find where or from what circumstances that idea was born.

My experiences with my past relationships shaped who I am today. Its reasonable then, I believe, to assume the same is true for this young man.

Yes a detail that I hadnt shared yet劣e is 18 years younger than me.鴷

This could be a problem if I was younger but I am 50 years old so好o one cares really. He is a very grown man and very smart and resourceful. I find him intriguing and I want to know more.

Im having trouble communicating which seems to be an art that I have yet to master, verbally that is I feel like I communicate well when I write. Reader, do you think I communicate well in this realm? I dont know for certain and I think I need to rehearse what I might say to my friend lets call him Leo because his hair looks like a mane about his head.

Dear Leo,

Its the morning after and I chose to sleep at home in the comfort of my familiar surroundings. A safe distance from you in order to gather my thoughts. I remember you saying that you liked to write. I hope you have the same affinity for me and what I produce with my virtual pen. Do you know how beautiful you are to me? Nah beauty is not only a feminine adjective but if that word you feel doesnt suit you than I offer another吐egal. I wonder if you really know the way your posture introduces you? On top of that you have the audacity to grow your own crown! In every way you appear quite regal and even humbly majestic.

When I allowed you into my personal space I could sense your angst though I figured it was just my age or something. As I played in your locks and drew you into me I could feel you sink in吃esss字elax and exhale. I mean you no harm. I cannot promise that I wont hurt you because I am human and prone to fuccin up! (Just being real). We all have our struggles and I am a work in progress but Im not excusing premeditated methodical selfish behavior. I do not practice deceit. A victory is not a win unless I earned it with my own wits about me. I am a lover in that I show love from the beginning and you help me decide how much distance (and love) you truly deserve by your actions.

When you speak of your past I must confess I feel that you maybe have some things that you are still dealing with. Its perfectly fine to be a work in progress my love and where you were isnt where you want to stay. Keep moving ahead. One step at a time until you find yourself beyond the hurt. Lord knows that I know this one. Its the story of my life! Guard your heart and miss your blessing if you want. Ive learned that emotional walls not only keep out the hurt but anything else that you may feel. You will find it difficult to keep me on the perimeter. Love and light is like a soothing balm to an aching heart.

I wont push in unless invited

Love Salt

Dont feel any realer

They say writers gotta write. Most of the time when I think of something to write Im driving in my car where I am master of my domain. I have control over what is said in this place and no one can impose their ideas onto my process.

Thinking about momma. Shes been gone 12 days and just saying that out loud brings awareness to the knot in my chest. In 12 days I dont feel like I have made any progression , except to exist through the journey. How is it that I feel stuck in the moment? I keep recollecting different moments that lead up to March 8. I try and reason with my conscience that I did what I was told, even though I wanted to disobey. I couldnt send her away to die alone and she didnt want that either.

The moment when she asked me if I wanted her to die and I felt conflicted in saying No momma but it hurts to watch you suffer this way. I want you to live forever momma! Its a hurtful thing to watch your mom cling to life while her body betrays her. Death is not a pretty sight either. Momma didnt close her eyes and sleep her life away.

The sores on her feet that infected her bone gave her hellish nights filled with writhing about and moaning in pain. Her lack of appetite left her belly empty and she kept getting nauseous from the pain meds. She was too weak to get out of the bed so I had to roll her back and forth to remove the soiled diaper from underneath her and replace it, after cleaning her, with a new one. She would groan at every push and pull. The left leg that she broke never healed properly. That posed an even tougher challenge of not causing her more pain. SMH.

These past 12 days havent made it any realer. Seeing her corpse laying in the coffin didnt make it no realer…Walking past her dark and empty room doesnt make it any realer…in the past 12 days I dont feel any different…and I cant quite describe how I feel…feels more like a lack of feeling…but then again I feel this knot in my chest… and I know that its the water behind the dam…the dam already has some cracks. How many cracks will it take before the dam burst? How many heart breaks will it take before I really am numb? Can I choose to be numb? Does that really happen? How does it work? I dont know. I dont get it. Where am I in my grief? Can anyone tell me?

Thorn

I know that I run

Hot and cold with you

One week I am after that D

The next week I ghost you

What is this girls problem?

Im sure youre asking yourself 

Does she even know what she wants?

I dont know what I want 

Better than that I know what I do

I need a safe space 

To tell you how He damaged me 

Exactly who he left behind 

Once he took what he wanted and 

deposited in me a life of misery 

For the man who would love me

He must understand that with this flower 

there is a thorn 

Between him and I 

must inform so that my

Conscience is clear and

He can decide for himself 

Quite unlike what was did for me in

denying me mine, Choosing for himself

If only for a few

Who are you?  Whom do  you presume to be?

A sight for my sore eyes and for my soul to feed

This hunger within me宇hat sees a need

To release at least 3圬eep ones in me

That need…you would seem to be able to fill with

Sweet affirmations and visualistic appeal

With no real effort you seduce my soul

It seems like second nature to you,that you

Know just what to say and just how to deliver

words that

soothe the aches in my heart as I

I watch my mother die

This is a death for not only she,

 but in you I see a way for me

To leave this place of hurt,

if only for a few

I can then fall in the midst of you

Between your arms, enfold me and see

What heaven would feel like if I could be

Yours and maybe you could be mine, If

What you seek in me is there and you find

that love is a real destination and my

heart, although broken still works just fine

Hyper Vigilance

Dating in a pandemic is not what I am used to. Dates for me was going to dinner, watching a movie in a theater while eating popcorn. I have gone to the county fair and sampled the food and ridden giant roller coasters at Magic Mountain on dates. A couple of times I met someone at a club and danced with them. Went home with them. Had breakfast with them the very next day.

I recall feeling safe to get in my dates car and even driving out of town with him. It never occurred to me that my date might have nasty thoughts about me. Dont misunderstand me when I say nasty thoughts!! Some nastiness is cool. Like the nasty Janet Jackson means when she sings, Miss Jackson if youre nasty! This is more like Bundy nasty. The nasty thoughts some folks have that created the need for pictures on milk cartons.

I also remember being warned of the dangers of the internet. How once you put something on there it is out there in the universe and irretrievable.

As I consider the things that I have sent out into that universe I chuckle!! Oh well! My personal business is out there in the universe. I dont know how hard you have to look or who you would have to ask but you could see my ta tas if you wanted! Lol! Possibly more than that. SMH. I cant blame it on being young and dumb either! I didnt start up the height of experimentation until my 40s.

2020 was a year for many firsts. Some Miss Jackson firsts and some just nasty firsts. It introduced me to blackouts and possible roofies, and wicked people who looked friendly. I found myself feeling like Little Red Riding Hood staring at the wolfs sharp teeth. The smell of his breath offending me as he stands in my face snarling getting ready to eat me!

So what am I supposed to do now? Now that I am traumatized and untrusting of anyone. I dont know what will become of me. If I dont figure out how to get past the pain I dont know how anyone can get close enough to me. Honestly, I dont know if I can get past it. This pain seems to have me cornered. Convincing me that everyone is nasty. No one is good and I may as well give up. Settle into a monk style life. No love life for me and the tragedy that has become my life will rule.