It’s 12:02 pm and I have had 3 shots of whiskey! 臘♀️ My sleep schedule is off because I am getting up all through the night. Today has been a rough one.
Momma doesn’t want to get out of the bed…today is wound care at the clinic but I can’t lift her out of the bed. If she won’t help then she won’t go! Her physical therapist mentioned a referral to a skilled nursing facility that she was in twice before. She did really well there before. I asked her if she could refer momma because she is refusing to go anywhere now. She keeps saying “I want to go home” I don’t know if she knows that she is in fact at home, or if she is trying to say that she wants to stay at home. Either way this cannot continue. I’m changing her pissy diapers every two to three hours and she is griping about it as if I am somehow inconveniencing her!
Good Caregivers don’t get the appreciation they deserve. I had to ask her while she complained, “I wish you would just leave me alone!” My question, “You don’t want me bother you with getting this wet diaper off of you?
I keep in mind that she is not always lucid and I don’t get any warning when she is or isn’t. I don’t get to prepare for what is coming. Today I got Granny Grumpkins! I’m the bad guy coming in the room rolling her back and forth in the bed to remove her dirty diaper and replace it with a clean one.
Momma I miss you being independent and caring for yourself. This is hard and I’m pushing through but I don’t see any relief in sight, especially if you continue to refuse to get up. My wrists are hurting me and I don’t know what to do.
Spring semester has begun and I am thinking that this is doable! I can care for my very sick bed bound 83 year old momma with all her ailments…complete 9 units of upper division coursework and work a job all with a constant headache! It is midnight right now and I just finished changing her wet diaper. She barely helped at all so I had to roll her to both sides more than two times. All she offered was “Oh!” SMH!
I had the appointment with the neurologist yesterday and it turns out that my seven month old headache is not migraines at all but muscle spasms in my neck! The word spasm never really made me feel bad because the way that this feels I don’t think that I ever had one!
In the office yesterday during the exam my doctor feels my neck. While he is walking his fingers up the side of my neck he repeatedly ask, “Does that hurt?” Each finger step seems to be deeper in depth, and strength! “Oh, oh, ouch!” I don’t think you are having migraines” he says “The muscles in your neck feel like ropes” he tells me and I can see how that could translate into the nasty friend of a headache that has been with me since July. So it’s not immitrex I need, but a massage doc! “Well we all need massages he says!” But seriously, that would help he says.
“Stop taking the Immitrex it could be causing damage and I am going to give you a muscle relaxer” doctor said. All I could think was, “When and where in my schedule am I supposed to fit in two medically induced naps?” Stay tuned for the saga of the east side Super woman! Lawd have mercy on me!
Today’s lesson in being kind and “just listen” started at 3 am. I woke up this morning like I do everyday (between the hours of 2-6 am. Worrying about momma). I know that the diaper she is wearing should be soaked and diaper rash is not a welcome condition, so I am trying to prevent it. I check on her and she’s sleeping peacefully. I’m going back and forth in my mind trying to decide if I should wake her because she has a tough time sleeping because of the pain of the rotten diabetic ulcerative sores on her feet.
So, there I am at 3 am pacing the hallway hashing out the consequences of leaving her in the wet diaper ensuring diaper rash or waking her up to change her. If she wakes and that pain in her feet starts she won’t be able to go back to sleep.
It’s not long before she wakes up and calls out to me. I go in to answer her and before entering the room I I speak the words “Be kind and just listen “. Some of you may read that and say “Duh!” You don’t understand why, but it’s a sad predicament that I find myself in because I been hard of hearing to her voice for most of my life! I’m learning now (at 50 years old) that I need to listen and not just to hear her. but everything that is said to me.
This pain in my head that I have been suffering with is affecting my hearing and yesterday I contemplated the idea of complete hearing loss. What will I do if this trend in my head continues? I don’t want to think about it but I’m being forced to do so. Well I’m hoping that I can keep my hearing, but should it leave me in silence I will have this lesson down because my momma is teaching me to listen now.
It’s been a solid 4 days now with momma back home from the nightmare of a Covid19 restricted nursing home. They kept her bottom clean and free of diaper rash but her feet were rotted with diabetic ulcerations. Why does it seem that pain visits you the most in the twilight? My son (who sleeps in the room adjacent to momma) told me that she keeps him awake constantly moaning most of the night.
I feel bad but there’s really nothing I can do! I offered her cannabis infused brownies but she’s from the generation of people who were taught that weed was in the same class as heroin! SMH! So, rather than being a druggie, she lays in bed and cries out from pain all night. I know those ulcers are damn painful because momma has suffered a lot that I have seen in my life and she is not dramatic!! Diabetes is a bad thing. I’m more scared to develop diabetes than I am of contracting Covid19 from her!
Well, today is anyones guess! For additional fun momma lost her pick line some time during the night! The nurse is coming today so I’m supposing that she will fix that!
I’m hoping that she gets up and gets in her chair and sits up for most of the day again.
I started using a planner yesterday. I been thinking a lot about school because it’s starting on January 25th. I am enrolled in 9 units! 2 of them are writing courses which means a lot reading!
Mindset this semester is to work ahead of schedule. As soon as I get my syllabus I am going to work! I don’t want school to be another source of stress. I’d rather it a source of encouragement. There will be life after momma needing me so much. I’m supposed to behave as such and prepare right?
Now with help I can get back to the gym. I’m looking forward to the feeling of stress being pushed out of my body and into the air by way of my lungs!!
Tonight was good until about 2 am. My son came in to tell me that momma is keeping him awake moaning and crying out in pain. I peek in to see here with her eyes closed. Her feet are hurting her. I’m sure they are wicked sore from the debridement of the dead flesh that was there….I’m sorry momma
I know that it’s not my fault but tell that to my heart. And she fights me and every turn! I go to change her diaper and ask her to help and she tells me that she can’t. What do I do with that? I’m not able to lift her and change her like my 6 month old granddaughter! I suppose that I could say well call me when you want me to help.
I love her but I don’t want to deal with a defeatist attitude. I’m going to try and get her to help me without her knowing! Lol! I know that it’s crazy but she is and has always been antagonistic with me! So maybe, I’m thinking, if I can get her to think it’s her idea she will be easier to deal with! Well I’m going to try and get a few more winks! Good 3 in the am morning…
Just put momma back to bed. I woke up around 4 am as per usual. So my immediate thoughts were about momma sleeping all night and that was a good thing, but also bad. You see there’s nothing wrong with her bladder or kidneys so she is sure to have soaked her diaper by now.
I get up and turn on the lights and begin my first full nursing/daughter day by smoking and drinking some coffee. I watched Kathleen Lights January “ boxy sharm unboxing” as only she can say it! Scrub and mask up and go into mommas room. The wall plug in air purifier I got her yesterday is humming and she is not under her covers. I guess she was already waking up too because she looked back at me when I entered the room. We exchange good mornings and I start to undress her. She’s soaked and says that she’s too weak to stand. Ok momma I will clean you up in the bed. Momma has a fungal infection in her groin area and under her breasts. Her diabetic blood sugar feeds encourages yeast to grow there. So I must bathe her and apply anti fungal ointment.
So I got her all washed up oiled up with a dry diaper and I very calmly as sweet as I possibly could…please don’t be offended because I only speak what my heart is begging to know…Momma, do you like living this way?
She answers “I don’t know!” Mmmm? What kind of answer is that? I’m not satisfied with this and I will continue to ask the question because I am desperate for an answer…
What do you do in a similar experience? I mean it’s 3 years later and I’m in my momma house nursing her back to health. There’s a big difference this time…add COVID-19 to the picture loaded with coughs, sneezes and hacking and you’ll have a glimpse into my world. This time you’re a familiar experience as well.
I am convinced that spiritual ties do exist because I lived outside of this place and was able to do so without all the bondage. After realizing this, it is was only right that I examined my situation further.
I been doing some soul searching and getting things in order…pondering the statement that was made about me ‘Having issues’, indeed I do! The greatest thing I can do is take note, do self evaluation and proceed with the re invention of self… I can begin again as a student in life this time and avoid the victim mentality all together now. My issue before? Why does everything and everyone disappoint me? My answer to my 3 years younger self is that well…how do I say this to you delicately? YOU EXPECT! It’s better instead accept what is…2017 Salt would say, “Woe is me, what happened to me in the past and 2021 Pheenix says Rise out of the ashes! You’re better because of those things❗️
Love is NOT something that you look outside of yourself for…You are endowed with it before birth. It doesn’t reside in your flesh. Your flesh hates you. Every day that life source within you that is intent to live forever pushes your fastly decaying flesh to die. Craving dangerous things that are tasty, pleasing and ultimately gratifying for the flesh and while they give rot to the core.
Sugar is my biggest enemy! I love fat too though! I know the swine is a nasty ass beast but bacon is GOOD! 襤 But I digress…
Back to the sounding off about this repeating exam that I will ace this time because I now realize that time is not your friend. Don’t miscount one second of it! You may live to regret.
I’m back at it again with my mom and attempting to care for her in her home. I’m overwhelmed and ill equipped to do so alone. I have my son to do the heavy lifting but she is a sick old lady. On top of the sickness she and I are constantly on this push and pull thing between us. Momma been fighting me all my life. Trying mainly to get me to listen. For one reason or another we learned to stay in this loop of antagonism. While I was growing up she would try to teach me basic things like why you leave the butt ends of the bread in the loaf until you’ve consumed the entire loaf. The two ends keep the bread in the center from drying out as fast. Do you know how old I was when I stopped to listen long enough to her to learn that?!! I was 49! 🤦 Caring for my aging sickly 83 year old diabetic mother is a lesson in listening for me. I’m going to make a pretty canvas print with the words “Just listen ” and one that reads “Be kind” to hang on the wall in her room.
This is what life is about for me. At 50 years old I am tasked with loving my mother by caring for her as she can no longer care for herself. The nursing home that she was in was neglecting to treat the wounds on her feet. I would rather have her in a place where she can have 24 hour care but because of Covid19 restrictions I was not able to advocate for her care in person. It’s a sad thing but the people who work in the nursing homes sometimes don’t do the best job of caring for the patients. I’m sure they are overwhelmed and it’s hard work but my mom could lose her feet if the ulcerative infection reaches the bone. So she’s home with me now and I’m responsible for her care. Wish me luck with the toughest but most rewarding job of my life.
I will be updating this letter and mailing it out today to include my momma has oozing bleeding rancid pressure sores on her feet!
December 31, 2020
Monique Hawkins Resource Family Ombudsman Kern County Department of Human Services P.O. Box 511 Bakersfield, CA 93302
I am writing to you because I am concerned for my mom. She is in:
2211 Mt Vernon ave
Bakersfield, Ca 93302
Her name is
Mary Young DOB 3/1/37
I have cared for her for the last 20 years until November 2019 when she fell and broke her leg at home. She was admitted into a facility off Olive dr for a week until I had her physician Dr William Bichai transfer her out if there due to her getting diaper rash after being there less than a week! Before Covid19 restrictions I frequently visited my mom ensuring that her care was not being neglected as with her not being able to walk I could not care for her at home.
She has bedsores on each heel and she is concerned that the nurses are not treating them as often as they should be. Today, January 1, 2021, she called to tell me that her heels are bleeding. On December 23, she fell in the bathroom while attempting to use the toilet alone because no one answers the call light. My mother is unable to hold her bladder and every time that she stands urine runs down her legs. She informed me today that the woman ‘Shawn’ has not been there yo treat the wounds on her heels in a few days. When I asked about the treatment on her heels the answer was that the floor nurses are doing it now. I’m concerned that blame is being passed around and instead of my mom getting the care that she needs so that she doesn’t lose her feet. Please help me as I am unable to make sure that my mom is ok. Dr. Bichai is doing a great job communicating between the nurses and I but I understand that he can not be right there either.
I been up for almost 2 hours and I can’t sleep. I’m worried about momma. She’s in a nursing home and with Covid-19 restrictions I can’t see her. Everyday she’s calling me telling me all her troubles. Sick old people troubles nothing extraordinary, except that COVID restrictions keep everyone who might visit out, therefore leaving room for neglect by the employees who do not have a heart for the patients. Nurses who care for cute and sickly babies are more likely not be neglectful, but those who are in geriatrics are not the same. I get it that geriatric patients are not so cute and cuddly. Some have dementia and can be cantankerous and combative. While others are not so bad they stink and have opinions about their care. I can see how it could be a hard job to perform.
I don’t want momma to feel neglected. Due to her incontinence, I won’t sleep with her in my care. Due to my heart for her, I cannot sleep with her in that place. I’m so torn about the decision to take her home because I know that I am not capable of doing it alone, but this facility has tons of people and they don’t seem to be able either. At least if and when I fail her she will know I love her and I am trying. Those people don’t care about her. It’s a job to them. She’s my momma. I hope that I can take her home and be successful in caring for her…God if you’re real, I could use some help now🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽