D-is-Graceful

It’s January 1 and now is the time for new beginnings. I look forward to discovering a new physique derived from a new way of life. I will lead this new way of life by loving myself. I will challenge my body to strengthen itself most days of the week in the recreation center. I will strengthen my mind with good study habits and excel at my studies. I will nourish my body with the food that it needs and my soul with the love on which it thrives. That love is guaranteed because it’s coming from me and Jesus. I choose to love myself the way that I desire love from another. With support, encouragement and grace. I know that I won’t always reach my mark because I am not perfect. Grace will lead me past my failures and cheer me on to my victories.

Today is day 1 of 2019 and day 1 of a new life beyond my friend D. Yeah we said goodbye before but he wasn’t ready for it. It warmed me inside to know that. I soon realized that it was just that he needed to adjust to the idea. I am pretty sure that he remains pragmatic in dealing with others emotions. It seems that is what gives him the best advantages in the case he is in need. He asked me for money and I wasn’t able to give it to him. With this predicament he was then able to release me. I hate to think that I was no earthly good to him without money but it’s the truth as he sees it. I’m ok with practicality, but I pray for his sake that he learns a good lesson about grace. I was nothing but kind to him. He wasn’t able to gracefully let me go. I don’t know maybe grace is a talent developed with time and experience. He simply needs to grow and learn for himself. I have already forgiven his disgracing me. I believe he just couldn’t do anything different. In the name of the Savior I decree and declare that D is graceful and lovingly deals with those who are kind to him. I forgive myself for being a bit too naive. It’s a lesson that I continue to work on I know that it will get better with time. This year I look forward to seeing how grace and love fulfill my life.

Signed d-is-graceful’s friend for life

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How, what, when, where, why

How wrong would I be to tell you how much I love you every day? What would it hurt if I was to translate into words the vibrations that the very image of you incites within me? When my mind is busy creating alternate dimensions in which you and I are free to share this love. Where would the crime committed cause the most damage? Why do I have to keep my love for you from being nurtured? Love is here and unrequited. It will be better for me to show you love in support of your choice. My love for you is beyond my desire for myself. I fight for you inside to have all that you want and need.

All good things must come to an end

It’s Sunday morning and I’m thinking of D. We said our goodbyes yesterday and I cried. I knew that it was coming. I noticed the paradigm shift in his withdrawal from me. It was subtle and quiet but I recognized it. Yesterday was December 22. It was September 22 that D contacted me for the first time. In exactly 3 months or 90 days he made a lasting impact on my life. I’m missing him already but I know that all good things must come to an end. D was and will continue to be a good thing for me. He taught me how to love myself again. I don’t know if that’s what he was trying to do. It seemed like he was trying more to convince me that a relationship between us was possible. Me a 48 year old divorced woman and he a 23 year old man who has spent the last near decade in the prison system, and although I entertained his attention I never bought the dream. I have been told before this is real, and I only want you and it didn’t last. For one reason or another the time came around and they had to make their exit. I’ve learned to live in the moment enjoy the ride and prepare for the departure. This time is no different.

D is different though. A remarkable young man.

I believe he’s bubbling over with potential. Very smart and wise beyond his few years.

I hope to witness the mark that he makes on the world. I hope the world benefits from him like I did. If it gets a mere fraction of the inspiration that I enjoyed it will affect the masses. I am being a champion for him and releasing him as I believe he would want me to. Dear D,

I use this platform to say what I couldn’t say the day that you said goodbye. It’s been 2 days now and I’m having my first cry since I promised you that I wouldn’t. I want you to know that I love you and I wouldn’t change my experience with you one bit. You gave me a lifetimes worth of inspiration and hope for a love of my own. You gave me a zest for life unlike what I had before and I’m looking forward to the possibilities ahead for me in love and life. I thank heaven above for you! I hope and pray for you all that your beautiful heart desires! You said that you would have never approached me if you knew that you would end up hurting me. I’m glad that you cannot know the future because the pain of letting you go is minor in comparison to the good times you shared with me. I love you and be blessed indeed my beautiful beautiful friend. Love always Vee

Something new on the horizon

Most of my grades are in for the fall semester. All but Chemistry and that’ll be there tomorrow since grades are due today. I’m excited to have made it through a university style semester of biology, chemistry, polisci and art all with a 2.9 GPA. Some may scoff at this but in my defense I also have a job and care for my 81 year old legally blind, hard of hearing, 2 heart attack/1 stroke surviving diabetic momma who is “somewhat” ambulatory and somewhat in continent! Had I known that it would be as hardcore as it was I would not have taken on so much! Which is why this spring semester is half time with human physiology and intro to creative writing. I’m excited to continue the repeating of my science courses and getting that done. That’s one step closer towards nursing, but the real treat is the creative writing! I love to write and I have heard from many that you don’t need to take creative writing courses to be a successful writer. I am a firm believer in preparation and there’s nothing wrong with that. Talent is important and I am hoping to have enough to not only chase my dream but see it realized. This class is not only about learning but also flexing my writing muscle.

I reread my posts and sometimes feel like there’s something extra that should not be there or something missing. I’m thinking some formal training will help me to discern a bit better when and where to tweak. I’m using this blog to practice my writing.

I didn’t think that many would be reading it if anyone at all actually. It’s pretty cool to get a like on this site cause it’s not like Instagram where most of my followers actually know me. It’s even more exciting to get a follow! I squeal like a kid every time someone follows me. It’s like someone finds my posts interesting enough to read and is even encouraged to see what else I write? Nice! Even if it is just in support of a fellow aspiring writer I am ecstatic to have it all.

I’m grateful for the platform and attention. To my fellow bloggers thank you for stopping by and I wish you all good luck in your future!

Signed Encouraged

Cyber dating continues (The guy on the bus) My D

It had been about a month maybe three weeks since his first direct message on the gram. D and I had been going at it pretty steady messaging back and forth by then. Feverishly typing paragraphs, two to three at a time, spelling out the way we were affecting each other. My descriptions detailed his overwhelming presence inside my psyche. His accounts laid out his welcome reception of my offer of my inner most feelings. He had discovered a genuine spirit in me and poured his energies into reaching the point of uncharted territory. Mine was the joy of a remarkable find in this new, young and seemingly unfledged man more than half my age holding his own with me in a battle of wits. A healthy contestant in this dance of romance with words. He was a great partner with me on this journey of imaginations of passions unbeknownst to regular folk. I’m not going to say that I had not done this before because that would be untrue. Never before had I found myself so caught up in a man that I lost my footing. It was only when he misunderstood something that I innocently said about him and he replied a bit harshly that I noticed my hearts condition. I had fallen in love with the notion of him and me. My mind was flooded with the ideas that he had spoken to me. My heart ached with a need to nurture and care for him. My body craved for his touch. I kept the most intimate thoughts to myself because it was all so new. Early one Saturday morning I woke up with him on my mind. That had become my new normal. I thought about that expression of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. It was normal to have thoughts and feelings towards a man and keep them to myself. I decided to share my thoughts with him:

I sent you this because I have developed an appetite for you. In realizing this I wondered how could it be? Could it be because I am inundated with your presence (although you are not physically here)by your texting me, contacting me daily and in between your reaching out, in the quiet moments of my day when I look at your pictures and re read our conversations? Yes this must be how it developed and now what do I do with this? I ask myself how much do I want you to know? Remember me saying telling you how I feel is giving you a roadmap to my heart. I feel Im taking it a step further and Ive got your hand in mine and leading you there. The entire time Ive been looking at the time and counting the days. It hasnt been a month! My logic reminds me. My heart says that connection doesnt respect time. If something comes together easily and fits just right it takes no time at all. Logic argues the place that youre in is full of the types of people who dont respect love or life I wrestle with my logical mind because I feel in my spirit that you are different from the norm. Like me. But Im reminded that I have been fooled before but I was fooled because of my spiritual condition at the time and I saw the truth. I simply ignored it. With you I notice a few small things that I am curious about (like you) so Im reserving judgment of those until the time presents and they may just become insignificant. Well Ive done enough procrastinating time to get to studying. Ttyl love My loves reply:
I’ve read this over and over because what you said was authentic. To me these are signs of seriousness and maturity within a person. This says more to me than what is on display for me to see. I have been caught off guard by this message but feel as though its right for you to serve me. I noticed that you struggle with the same logic that I have to deal with when it comes to what’s real what fake peoples motives etc. But at the end of the day you are no fool and you & both know that this very.. Well could be something or maybe its just nothing at all. But I highly doubt its nothing because I truly believe that its what we make it. I get that you’re afraid to show me where it would hurt at only because then I’d know your weaknesses but with that being said you’d have to keep in mind that doing so would cause a 2way street so trust will have to be formed between the two of us when doing so. I’m willing give up a lot for you as long as we both want the same thing. Some things.. Like for instance what I been through I may never talk about but that applies to what I am willing to sacrifice. I feel as though somethings aren’t worth it when I believe that you are. You’re longevity! Any man with common sense should know the value in everlasting things and so I like to believe that I do. When it comes to I out shit off. I will sit here with a messy desk an ashy ankles and elbows after I showered because I am so busy being caught up with you. That appetite we share together! More so on my end literally and figuratively though lol. But I simply just want to be good to you. I know what it means to not be enough so at the end of the day I truly hope that if things continue down the path in which they are headed in that we together will be all that we both need and crave for or else I feel as though our LOVE live is at stake. Outside of that baby I feel as though the world is ours. I won’t hurt you in anyway shape or form. Especially not physically and I’m not.. The type to abuse,I wasn’t raised that way. My mother wouldn’t have it and till this day I value that ladies word an opinion and would be devastated if she were look down on how I behaved and turned her back on me so no worries there. I just want you and I to be happy and me to provide you with a lot of love and good sex plus whatever else is in my power and authority as a man to provide his woman with. We’ve both been let down,we’ve both experienced disappointment so I think we should focus on making each other happy and not being a product of the past events…

Signed off for now prepare for the rollercoaster ride!

A fool by choice

As it calls to me

I move in to see

The light that shines from you

Its in your smile

And in your eyes

Inviting me to do

Things that I would not, but

The closer I get

The more I feel

The warmth of it on my skin

The heat of seduction pulling me into

This place of pleasure and sin

Im loving what youre saying and the things you do, and

Although I dont believe you

I surrender myself to counterfeit love just so I can feel you

If it cannot be real then

Ill just steal

the moments

That I can

because after so long

of being denied

Id rather be used

Than feel nothing

Even if it is a lie

They say that I should wait for the man whose love for me is true

But no one is here checking for me, no one but you

You pick and choose with your time to give

And who you give it to

I know Im not the only one

Know that I choose to be your fool

Admiration put into words

My free verse poem written for my friend D

My love please forgive my adoration that drives me to paint new images of beauty gleaned from the images of you that inspire me to put words alongside side one another in just the right way in order to rightly convey the beautiful square of your jawline that frames the wonderful flesh of your lips that speak the sweetest of sentiments and whispers to me the most sensual suggestions that I desire to do for you sans hesitation. Forgive my loves evolution from selfish greed to enlightened understanding that this love is to good to keep to myself. You are my love such a lovely experience my wish is that your light be seen by the whole world. Recognizing the light in you illuminated the light in me. Your light shines bright as a diamond reflecting every color of the spectrum! It fills me up and I cannot help myself. Forgive me love. You inspire me to sing with my

Sincerely Me

Search and rescue for my faith

What do I believe? This is the question that has been on my mind lately. Growing up I knew of God because everyone around me believed. I didn’t question his existence. I was told he was real and accepted it as fact. I imagined this big guy in the sky holding the earth in his hands. He witnessed everything that was going on, and he was there listening when I would pray.

I never thought about the details of how things came to be. Things just were. I never thought about why we do the things we do. We just do.

I believed everything I did was being recorded, and I would lose or gain points depending on my behavior. I would move up or down the rungs of this ladder located between heaven and hell with my life’s choices.

“The Bible says you reap what you sew,” my grandmother preached, “So plant good seeds.” This was one of the many scriptures that I was raised to pattern my life by and for a time it worked for me.

Little by little life’s troubles and my “rewards” for doing the “right thing” started to chip away at my faith. I was going through my life losing more and more to people who were not interested in pleasing God. These people sought to please themselves and I was being used. Once they got done using me I was discarded or at least relegated to the back of the crowd.

This marriage that I am working to heal from has done what I didn’t think possible. This experience has made me question if there is a God? I’m trying to reach inside myself and find that faith that I’ve held onto for most of my life to no avail. It pains me to say it but I don’t feel it like I did before. The woman that I am now will not accept any semblance of forgery. I need truth. I need to be truthful and I cannot accept anything that doesn’t feel genuine. Religion and most religious people that I know have issues that cause me to question their authenticity. I realize human beings are not capable of perfection. My search and rescue for my faith must be made with authenticity. I cannot accept it because everyone else is doing so. Is the big guy in the sky real?

There must be a divine source for all of creation. I can’t entertain the Big Bang theory. That seems like somebody just gave up looking for answers and said maybe it all just boomed and there you go! No. That can’t be true. I think about all that I learned in Biology this semester. The human body is crazy! Did you know that there are messengers that carry signals back and forth between the brain and body? These messengers called afferent and efferent neurons act at a speed and ingenuity that makes the Internet look primitive! Imagine when you touched something hot how quickly you removed your hand from the heat? Those messengers were working in that moment to relay the information to your brain from your hand and back! That happened in how long?

No, there must be a great and terrible force that set the world in motion. I’m just trying to figure out how to get to the place and where to land in my faith. I don’t believe that the church has it all together. In fact I believe it has a lot more to do with what is wrong then what is right.

I don’t claim to know it all, but religion leaves a lot to be desired. God is love. Agape love. That’s a love without condition. Ok I accept that and in the same moment I think about someone that I love dearly who is now damaged. He is damaged because he hurt himself trying to medicate the pain caused by his shame. His shame was that he was attracted to men and not women.

He is now completely dependent on the care of his aging mother who by all accounts needs someone to care for her. He is unfortunately a child again in his mind, although his body is in its 50’s. I cannot rectify the situation. Where do you begin to work towards a solution? Why do we even have a problem?

Brokenness is rampant. I don’t think you can meet someone older than 25 years old who hasn’t been broken somehow. I don’t know what to do about this place I find myself occupying. Somewhere between healing and purgatory. Does my healing require God? If so, how do I get there from here? I been searching for the truth and I’m beginning to think that I’m not going to find it. Maybe the truth will find me.

I pray that we meet up soon. I pray that it brings with it my wholeness and one day I can tell the story about how I made it over.

Signed,

troubled on every side but not distressed

Tha true loneliness of adulthood

Its 1:09 am and I’m sitting up in a living room chair getting my head together. I just put mom in an ambulance. She and my son were holding a strange conversation and from my bed I overheard in part. What I heard made me get up, and see what was going on. “Grandma you just took your sugar three times!” I heard my son say. I heard my mother’s muffled reply but I couldn’t understand the words. I got out of my bed and made my way to the living room. I found her slumped over in her chair. Her glucometer in her lap. “Momma whats going on?” I asked. She didn’t raise up or look in my direction to respond. “I’m tttrryyinn ttttooo get my blood sugar.” Her speech was slurred and sluggish and she even moved slow and sluggish. I saw the red digital 173 the results of her blood test. Not a bad reading for a type II insulin dependent so that wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t sure what the problem was, but I was worried so I called 911. After the paramedics came and took her the room fell silent. I sat in the chair looking at the Christmas tree that I put up earlier. The thought crossed my mind that she asked for the tree this year. It has been three or four years since we had any tree besides Charlie Brown. A few years ago I bought a fake white Christmas tree. It’s probably 2 feet tall and has lights already attached. All my kids were adults. Christmas decorations were no longer a big deal. So, I bought this table sized tree and named it Charlie Brown.

I remember every year during my childhood there being a Christmas tree filled with lights and ornaments. Lights hanging along the eaves around the perimeter of the house. We would have towels with Santa and reindeer on them hanging in the kitchen. Rugs in the bathroom with different Christmas designs and characters. I remember Mom loved to decorate for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

After the last three or four years with just Charlie Brown sitting on the table top she wanted a big tree.

Momma’s condition has been slowing declining over the last couple of years. The past few months she had seemed to pick up the pace. Some days she gets through without much trouble. At least once a week now it’s not so good. She just says “I don’t feel good .” She’s always complaining of being cold 扒 but the last few days it’s been so bad that I talked her into trading rooms with Mo. Last night she woke me up around 2:30 am. I don’t know what woke me exactly but on my way to the bathroom I noticed the thermostat was set at 100! I set the temperature back down to a decent 75 and looked towards her bedroom. I could see her sitting in the dark on the edge of her bed. Her arms were folded about her like she was giving herself a hug. “I’m cold” she said. I went and grabbed her heated throw from her recliner and helped her into bed. For the next couple of hours she would keep me awake getting up and down from her bed going back and forth to the bathroom. She had informed me earlier in the day that she was cold and couldn’t sleep all night the night before. This was shaping up to be part two I supposed. Only this time I wouldn’t be sleeping either.

Mommas house was built in the 1950’s. Three bedrooms. Two in the back of the house and one just off the living room. On the wall of the living room that continues down the hallway towards the bedrooms is a wall heater. The heater sets in the wall opposite the door to Mo’s bedroom. This creates a constant flow of heat to that front bedroom. Mine and mommas rooms are always cooler in the day and down right cold at night. A cold room is heaven for me! Menopause and hot flushes make winter my favorite time of year! I have block-out curtains and dark purple velvet drapes on my windows. In midday with no light on it’s pitch black in my room. On any given night in January you may see your breath in the air when you breathe in my bedroom! Mommas room was almost as cold as mine. Too cold for her nowadays.

I’m sitting at my mommas hospital bedside now. It’s now 3:15 am. Results of blood tests are showing infection the nurse informs me. I’m here with momma and supporting her. I’m thinking how I wish I had a special someone’s shoulder to lay my head on right now. It’s times like this that I am reminded of the true loneliness of adulthood.

I am taking care of my aging sickly mommy. Essentially waiting for her to die. It’s not a nice way to put it I know, but it’s the truth. I’m her only daughter able to do it so I’m doing it. My everyday life is built around her needs and her needs keep increasing.

That shoulder where I want to lay my head is yet to be found. Adulthood is lonely and I should embrace and accept it I guess. I’m working on it. #adultingsucks

Love and/or Romance

It’s early Saturday morning and I have plenty of studying to do. I have 3 finals this week. Biology lab and lecture finals are Wednesday and chemistry is Friday. My thoughts should be on the books but nope! My mind is on love and romance.

I used to believe that the two are synonymous. If you’re in love than you’ll be romantic. Current events are making me think twice about this. I use this platform to sort it out.

Uncle Tony says it’s good to look up the definition of a word. Even when you’re sure you know the meaning the word can hold more meaning than you thought. Love is defined by Google dictionary as an intense feeling of deep affection. Romance the noun is defined as a feeling
of excitement and mystery associated with love. I must include the definition of the verb romance and Google dictionary states it as meaning to court; woo. Now it’s quite simple to me that love vs. romance is a major issue of which I deal with personally. Let me see if I can explain. Included in the definition of love are the words ‘feeling’ and ‘affection’. Feelings are something that we all have in some capacity. What we’ve experienced in our lives thus far can determine our ‘feelings’. How we perceive and process events that take place plays a part in how we feel. Basically love and to whom we choose to ‘feel love’ for is extremely subjective. People like to say that we don’t have a choice in who we love but I don’t know if that is true. The more I think about it the more I believe that it is indeed a choice that we make. I am determined to meditate on the path we take in this choice because I think it’s partially subconscious. However, I reserve judgment on that for now.

Romance is closely associated with love but not the same thing. Obviously, one can have romantic feelings about someone they love. One can also romance someone they don’t “love”. Romance can be fun and fulfilling to me where love in very few moments in my life has been. Romance gives me license to woo and court someone in a cold world where love is most often not found. The problem is that most people that I have met don’t understand my methodology. I can accept Googles definition of love and live with that truth, but I believe as human beings we all share some insights about love that we don’t find spelled out in a dictionary. Unless of course you have a mental disorder that alters your true perception love is simple.

Love is inherent from our family as well as those people who have been around for a long time. Anyone who just happens to come along cannot love us in a way that we trust. Trust in love takes time to build. We gotta see if you will sacrifice. Will you fall on your sword? What will you or won’t you allow?

Action speaks to the truth within us, and we determine whether or not that action is a demonstration of love. After that determination we decide in part (subconsciously) if we want to do the same.

Romance is not the same as love. I don’t have to earn the place to romance. No falling on a sword or proving that I am willing to sacrifice. I only need your attention. In order to romance you, my advances only need reception. You can sit back and let me do what I am good at and bask in the glory of it all! I can fasten words together in such a way that you know you are special. My capacity to enchant will have you swooning over me like a teenager does a pop star!

Romance is my thing! I am damn good at it but it’s usually perceived as deceitful. I guess I can appreciate that. I mean where love is supposed to be eternal sacrifice and devotion. Romance is just a way of courting or wooing someone. Does the wooing have to have a destination? Why can’t I be me and flex my charismatic muscles? Let’s enjoy life and enjoy romance. Unfortunately, most want the endgame. Most want to have a special someone all their own. To belong.

I realize that we all want to belong to someone or something. We all have a need for love and sacrifice. Everybody wants at least one or two people who care so much for us that if we disappeared they would come looking for us. When we hear of people like Joyce Vincent we think,”I know that I don’t want to end up like her.” Belonging to someone is paramount to us all. Belonging makes us feel valuable. Belonging is the love that we look for and desire for ourselves.

I don’t look for that anymore. I believe that I have reached and filled my quota on that kind of love. When you meet and pursue me you get romance. It feels good to me. I’m like most people I enjoy finding things that I am good at and honing my skills. When practicing my romantic skills I don’t mean to come off as slick or smooth but I get accused of just that.

I love romance. Love not so much. I already have the kind of love that lasts forever. In that respect I have no lack. Now if you ask how so when you’re a divorc矇e? I have and receive it from my siblings and from my three adult children. My best friend Al along with the rest of those people holds an intense feeling of deep affection for me. If some day I went missing they would come looking for me. In the past I have shared love and devotion with a man. I know there is at least one man walking around right now that holds the Google dictionary’s definition of love within his spirit for me. His life’s path took him in another direction from me and even for that I am partly to blame. I choose not to dwell on that because I don’t believe that it could have been different. I accept my reality and keep moving forward. Regret is not loving or romantic. Why bother? Anybody out there down for romance?