It’s 5:40 am and I’m at work right now doing my usual. It’s a waiting game for the first hour because everyone is still asleep. I start making them breakfast at 6 and that is when my work day begins to unfold. In the meantime I look at the internet or read my book.
This morning I came across a small post from an old acquaintance from high school. She had written a paragraph and posted 4 pictures below it. The pictures (3 of them) showed damage done to her house and the last picture featured a ghastly cut on her arm I believe. In the paragraph she stated how everyone saw how much she loved her man. She shared the images to show what he had done to her. I looked over the comments her Facebook friends had left her. All of them expressed concern and offered prayers and or support. I am moved to write about her story because I remember looking at her posts in the past and thinking of how she looked happy. The pictures of her with him didn’t show the sadness and violence. I only saw smiling. I only saw a couple of people who ‘fit together’. I recall saying to myself, “Even she has a good man of her own.” I recall being a little jealous for a moment. Thinking about how I seem to screw up every opportunity that I get.
All that glitters ain’t gold! It was not a great couple who had it all! She was being hurt by someone she loved. I am encouraged that being alone is better than having someone who hurts you. I am disappointed it’s another example of the hurt that’s waiting for someone who just wants to be loved.
To my high school friend we are no longer acquaintances. We are sisters and I pray for your healing. I hope for your journey that you find your way back to wholeness before you find another. Most importantly, I hope that you discover the new you and embrace the wisdom of your experience.
Encouraged but disappointed
I was feeling pretty good the day that I took my mirror selfie. I looked in the mirror and caught my reflection on my way out of the restroom and thought “Not bad for a granny!”
I am really tough on myself. I don’t mean to be but I have been in the past the main source of my own pain. I took self loathing to a dangerous point a couple times in the past. I am learning to give myself a little grace while working on improving my life. I’m reading a book, ‘The Power of Habit’. It’s giving me things to think about. For instance, why I keep doing the things I do, especially with men. Once I started reading this book I started recognizing my habits regarding relationships. I have heard it a lot lately that we as humans are relational beings. It’s how we’re built. In the most basic and physical sense we fit together. It’s perfectly natural to want to have a special person with whom you can fit together.
The problem with that is that it is nearly impossible to find a good fit. This cold world we live in has damaged so many of us just looking for someone to hold on to. I think it’s largely due to the fact that most people are driven to acquire fame and fortune.
More than money I want to make a positive difference everyday. In the lives of my children and their children. I want to share my wealth of knowledge and experience with anyone who may benefit. Life hasn’t ever truly been easy for me. I have had to fight for everything that I have. My dad told me early on that would be the case. “No one is giving you a damn thing!Don’t look for anyone to!” Daddy would say. As a child I didn’t think too much about it but now as an adult I hear him in my head everyday.
I believe that I can do what I want to do and I am willing to fight for it. I have those days though where I want to feel bad and throw a pity party. I snap myself out of that cause there’s no need. I have too much to be grateful for. Last night the pity party tried to start without me knowing and the fighting spirit in me started taking inventory. All the things that I have that I wouldn’t want to do without came to the front of my mind. Family, shelter, even the fact that I have my limbs! I went as far as to watch a beautiful young ladies story on YouTube about how she became an amputee. She spoke of her childhood experience and the way that she lost her leg. I cried with her and I was encouraged by her strength. She talked about how a guy that she had dated online dumped her after finally meeting her face to face and seeing her prosthetic leg. I feel bad for the both of them. Her because she has this fact of life that she has to live with and him because he lacks the capacity to deal with a physical condition that doesn’t affect her capacity to love.
The story gave me some ‘act right’ in the sense that I should be grateful for my life. That’s the goal for today and every day. Count my blessings and keep smiling. Keep working on myself and see how far I can go!
Sometimes in life we make impressions on others through no real effort of our own. We encounter a familiar situation we remember how we got through before and share. We see someone else in that same situation advise on the issue at hand. People either take heed to the advice or not. Recently, I have noticed once in a while throughout my day little things you have said to me come at teachable moments. You have me reevaluating myself. I am using some of those moments to choose best what to do at the time. Always at the front of my mind is how you said that you found yourself while in (the prison inside the prison). That’s a goal for me and I am taking notes from you. Not quite sure yet how to get there but somehow I think my needing to know is the reason you found your way into my inbox. I’ve been meditating and praying about coming into my purpose. I know that my purpose is not being some ordinary nobody. I can’t find myself the way that you did. I don’t presume to know what it feels like to be imprisoned. Certain aspects of my life are ‘on hold’ right now due to my obligations. While it can feel confining sometimes still I choose to be where I am and what I do. Caring for my mom is number one. I am discovering that this duty of taking care of her is producing more than one result! While I am attending school and acquiring book knowledge for the career of nursing I am living with my very own patient that I have the responsibility to nurse. Essentially I am studying nursing at school and home. Even the job of being a direct support person to 6 developmentally challenged adults is grooming for nursing responsibilities. I have to dispense their medications, prepare food for them and clean their home.
This past week momma fell ill again with a UTI. The symptoms began on New Years eve. I recognized the symptoms because she had them before 2 years ago when she had a urinary tract infection. Something I didn’t know then was that the elderly can suffer an altered mental status from a UTI. This can present itself by momma not being able to form the words to speak. That is what happened two years ago. She could only say “Ok “. This New Years eve she hadn’t gotten to the state of only “Ok” but I could tell by her simple replies to my questions that something was wrong. In an effort to figure out how bad her condition was I started asking her questions like “Who’s the president?” And she could only repeat the question. She could not answer. I called the head nurse in charge of her home care and she gave me directions of what to do for my mom until the
pharmacy was reopened (in two days)! Basically I had to keep this infection at bay. Momma made it through the two days and is now on antibiotics.
On one hand I can say that I have too many balls to juggle. I’ve got my mom who is becoming less independent by the day it seems and more dependent on me. I have school (right now I am on winter break) that consumes my life to the point where other things suffer like my social life (better said lack there of). I must work because I don’t have a sugar daddy mostly, because I don’t want to be beholden to anyone! I am lonesome in the small quiet pockets of time that I have but I don’t care enough to invest any time into having someone to help with the loneliness. On the other hand when I have those still moments they seem to last all day! I mean figuratively speaking they take forever to pass. Literally they probably come about 3-4 times a day and last for 30 minutes to an hour! Certainly not enough to establish a relationship between me and another person. Knowing the way that I operate it would soon become too much for me to do! I would be complaining that he was being too difficult for wanting my attention. This would lead to me going ghost on him. That’s pointless so I’m determined to stay single and work at achieving my goals without distractions.
I thought that I had forgotten how to smile. I don’t mean using the muscles in my face to raise the corners of my mouth. I mean to hold a kind of hope for life inside my belly that tickles me and I cannot help but grin for the excitement! This is what you do for me and I will always be grateful! I love you 😘
It’s January 1 and now is the time for new beginnings. I look forward to discovering a new physique derived from a new way of life. I will lead this new way of life by loving myself. I will challenge my body to strengthen itself most days of the week in the recreation center. I will strengthen my mind with good study habits and excel at my studies. I will nourish my body with the food that it needs and my soul with the love on which it thrives. That love is guaranteed because it’s coming from me and Jesus. I choose to love myself the way that I desire love from another. With support, encouragement and grace. I know that I won’t always reach my mark because I am not perfect. Grace will lead me past my failures and cheer me on to my victories.
Today is day 1 of 2019 and day 1 of a new life beyond my friend D. Yeah we said goodbye before but he wasn’t ready for it. It warmed me inside to know that. I soon realized that it was just that he needed to adjust to the idea. I am pretty sure that he remains pragmatic in dealing with others emotions. It seems that is what gives him the best advantages in the case he is in need. He asked me for money and I wasn’t able to give it to him. With this predicament he was then able to release me. I hate to think that I was no earthly good to him without money but it’s the truth as he sees it. I’m ok with practicality, but I pray for his sake that he learns a good lesson about grace. I was nothing but kind to him. He wasn’t able to gracefully let me go. I don’t know maybe grace is a talent developed with time and experience. He simply needs to grow and learn for himself. I have already forgiven his disgracing me. I believe he just couldn’t do anything different. In the name of the Savior I decree and declare that D is graceful and lovingly deals with those who are kind to him. I forgive myself for being a bit too naive. It’s a lesson that I continue to work on I know that it will get better with time. This year I look forward to seeing how grace and love fulfill my life.
Signed d-is-graceful’s friend for life
How wrong would I be to tell you how much I love you every day? What would it hurt if I was to translate into words the vibrations that the very image of you incites within me? When my mind is busy creating alternate dimensions in which you and I are free to share this love. Where would the crime committed cause the most damage? Why do I have to keep my love for you from being nurtured? Love is here and unrequited. It will be better for me to show you love in support of your choice. My love for you is beyond my desire for myself. I fight for you inside to have all that you want and need.
It’s Sunday morning and I’m thinking of D. We said our goodbyes yesterday and I cried. I knew that it was coming. I noticed the paradigm shift in his withdrawal from me. It was subtle and quiet but I recognized it. Yesterday was December 22. It was September 22 that D contacted me for the first time. In exactly 3 months or 90 days he made a lasting impact on my life. I’m missing him already but I know that all good things must come to an end. D was and will continue to be a good thing for me. He taught me how to love myself again. I don’t know if that’s what he was trying to do. It seemed like he was trying more to convince me that a relationship between us was possible. Me a 48 year old divorced woman and he a 23 year old man who has spent the last near decade in the prison system, and although I entertained his attention I never bought the dream. I have been told before this is real, and I only want you and it didn’t last. For one reason or another the time came around and they had to make their exit. I’ve learned to live in the moment enjoy the ride and prepare for the departure. This time is no different.
D is different though. A remarkable young man.
I believe he’s bubbling over with potential. Very smart and wise beyond his few years.
I hope to witness the mark that he makes on the world. I hope the world benefits from him like I did. If it gets a mere fraction of the inspiration that I enjoyed it will affect the masses. I am being a champion for him and releasing him as I believe he would want me to. Dear D,
I use this platform to say what I couldn’t say the day that you said goodbye. It’s been 2 days now and I’m having my first cry since I promised you that I wouldn’t. I want you to know that I love you and I wouldn’t change my experience with you one bit. You gave me a lifetimes worth of inspiration and hope for a love of my own. You gave me a zest for life unlike what I had before and I’m looking forward to the possibilities ahead for me in love and life. I thank heaven above for you! I hope and pray for you all that your beautiful heart desires! You said that you would have never approached me if you knew that you would end up hurting me. I’m glad that you cannot know the future because the pain of letting you go is minor in comparison to the good times you shared with me. I love you and be blessed indeed my beautiful beautiful friend. Love always Vee
Most of my grades are in for the fall semester. All but Chemistry and that’ll be there tomorrow since grades are due today. I’m excited to have made it through a university style semester of biology, chemistry, polisci and art all with a 2.9 GPA. Some may scoff at this but in my defense I also have a job and care for my 81 year old legally blind, hard of hearing, 2 heart attack/1 stroke surviving diabetic momma who is “somewhat” ambulatory and somewhat in continent! Had I known that it would be as hardcore as it was I would not have taken on so much! Which is why this spring semester is half time with human physiology and intro to creative writing. I’m excited to continue the repeating of my science courses and getting that done. That’s one step closer towards nursing, but the real treat is the creative writing! I love to write and I have heard from many that you don’t need to take creative writing courses to be a successful writer. I am a firm believer in preparation and there’s nothing wrong with that. Talent is important and I am hoping to have enough to not only chase my dream but see it realized. This class is not only about learning but also flexing my writing muscle.
I reread my posts and sometimes feel like there’s something extra that should not be there or something missing. I’m thinking some formal training will help me to discern a bit better when and where to tweak. I’m using this blog to practice my writing.
I didn’t think that many would be reading it if anyone at all actually. It’s pretty cool to get a like on this site cause it’s not like Instagram where most of my followers actually know me. It’s even more exciting to get a follow! I squeal like a kid every time someone follows me. It’s like someone finds my posts interesting enough to read and is even encouraged to see what else I write? Nice! 😆 Even if it is just in support of a fellow aspiring writer I am ecstatic to have it all.
I’m grateful for the platform and attention. To my fellow bloggers thank you for stopping by and I wish you all good luck in your future!