Passion in The Big Apple (first draft)

The couple was standing at the door in the hallway of a New York high rise. They were excited to see the view from their hotel room on the 45th floor. As the door swung open the room was mostly dark until they lifted their eyes to the wall of windows situated opposite the entrance to the room. A desk sat to the left and a loveseat to the right. On a raised platform in the center of the window wall sat a California king sized bed. Just beyond the head of the bed the skylines pinks and purple colors dimly lit the room. The window wall displayed an incredible scene of concrete behemoths dotted with windows on every floor standing just a few feet apart from each other and across the street. She gasped at the tiny insect sized people moving around on the ground below.

As she stood in front of the window wall looking down at the street below, from behind her she feels his arms envelope her waistline and warm breath on the nape of her neck. A surge of dopamine rushed through her veins as she momentarily held her breath at his embrace.

His movements soft and resolute he continued to breathe in the sweet smell of her hair. All the while close enough, but not coming into contact with her skin. His hands alternately touched her waist, caressed her thighs, squeezed her ass as he deliberately avoided her sacred space. After what seemed an eternity to her she attempted to turn around to kiss him. He abruptly grabbed her wrists and placed her hands against the window wall. Now facing the window with the Big Apple watching she assumed the position of a criminal being arrested. Her mind started to race matching the rate of her heartbeats. She wondered what he was doing exactly, and tried to ask him but he would not respond. He continued to breathe in her scent as if committing it to memory. His hands now moving up and down the length of her body. Lightly touching her and there. Applying a bit more pressure in random places but still, with dogged determination evading her crotch which at this was throbbing and begging to be touched. Between rhythmic panting she forced the words from her lips,Touch me there. He paused but gave no response. Instead, he proceeded to remove her pants. While he was squatting to take her pants from around her ankles she turned and took her hands down from the window wall. He stopped what he was doing. He stood up grabbed her wrists and turned her again to face the window with her palms on the wall. She tried to speak up in protest and he sweetly smiled and raised his index finger to his lips. He resumed his mission to strip her naked with nothing to cover her but her pumps.

Slightly confused, but extremely curious she stood with her palms against the wall as naked as the day she was born. He stood behind seemingly taking in every delicate detail of her curves. Silent with words but loud with expression was the look on his face. He appeared pleased at what he saw and ravenous as if he was part beast. Tell me you want me to touch you he said. You know that I do! she gasped. His expression grew serious as he approached her. He was still fully clothed and seemed to admire her naked vulnerability as he explored her anatomy, first with his hands and now with his lips.

(To be continued)

Imma sit this guilt trip out!

It’s been a while since we’ve had a heart to heart conversation. Too much time has passed and it seems almost moot at this point. I gotta let you know how I am feeling even if you never read this letter. I have to birth this burden and give it a chance to die. As long as I carry it around it will continue to thrive off the energy it suckles from me. To be honest, I don’t want to help it survive anymore.

Until now I held on because I was afraid that letting it go would mean losing you. Only now have I realized that I lost you the moment this bitch showed up! Out of nowhere she showed up and you chose to entertain her. That would’ve been fine except she is a jealous one. She didn’t like me and she made you choose. I had to accept your choice because I loved you so much that I’d rather take a back seat than leave you. As time went on she got more controlling. The time came to commit and you married her. It was time for me to go.

Now I was just thinking about you and the good times we shared. I thought I’d reach out and say that I miss you. Apparently I don’t have a right to do that because I still have a debt to pay to your lover Guilt. You question how can I say that I miss you when I still haven’t made things right? You know I began to pack my things and go with you on the trip but I decided to sit this one out.

I can’t take this guilt trip with you anymore. You see I admit that I am far from perfect but I try. When I miss my mark I punish myself enough that I don’t need extra help. I don’t like what we have become but I don’t have a choice. I must accept your choices but I can no longer shoulder the responsibility of that choice.

I love you and always will. If one day you change your mind I will be here and I will welcome you back with open arms! Until then I will continue on the journey of healing that I chose instead of a life of perpetual pain. My hope is to one day see you along the same road! I wish that I could stay but I gotta go!

Tell your girl Guilt that I said “Fuck you!”

Finding my way

It’s early in the morning, 6:16 am February 7, and I am at work talking with one of the clients of the group home. My day starts at 5 am and when I get to work this particular client is always awake pacing the house. In the beginning it annoyed me because I cook breakfast and he circles around the house through the kitchen. Every time he comes through I am having to stop what I am doing to let him by.

These clients are in one form or another developmentally disabled. The problems they deal with are autism, schizophrenia and other behaviors that make it tough to live independent lives.

From 1998 to 2017 I worked as a dental hygienist. My pay rate began at $30 an hour. After nearly 20 years practicing I have bad pain in both wrists. Especially, my right, dominant hand. The neurologist said that I had two options for relief. Surgery or change profession. This is why I have returned to college at 46 and am pursuing another career.

Working in this group home as a direct support professional is a challenge. I think it’s good for me because I am learning to deal with ‘patients’ who have challenges all their own. My early riser has a speech impediment. I really have to listen to understand him! Lesson #1 Listen hard!

My duties include cleaning up after all the residents have left for the day.

Lesson #2 Keep things tidy! Each of these clients have their own issues and personalities. I must adapt to the client that I am dealing with and consider their personal struggles. Lesson #3

Each person needs to be dealt with in a way that serves their needs. The lessons that I am learning through this minimum wage job are more valuable than what I learned scraping tartar off mostly ungrateful dental patients. These lessons are creating habits that boil over into my home life. I haven’t ever been the greatest housekeeper in my own home, but I find myself keeping things tidier at home!

Taking care of my very sick momma is providing me with an unpaid nursing internship while I attend school pursuing the nursing profession.

My job is giving me a whole new appreciation for the value of cleanliness, empathy for others and money.

The world could look at how much I have lost. My home, my ability to work and practice in my chosen profession, my marriage, my estranged daughter

and grandchildren, my car (repossessed), and pity me. I see it as a reset! I can’t tell what I did with the $30/hour I earned for 20 years! I have absolutely nothing to show for it!

Today makes about 7 months working for minimum wage in this profession and I have grown exponentially in character. Money isn’t everything especially, when you don’t know it’s true value. Doing without it can be tough but I haven’t done without one basic need, and for this I am so grateful.

If you’re struggling in life and don’t know what to do. Start with examining yourself. I hope you find a way to get through and grow from it. I’m no expert but I am finding my way!

Signed Hang in there

Snare drum my lifes soundtrack

Rat-a-tat tat! My alarm goes off at 4:35 am! Rat-a-tat. Tit-a-tit! Its time to get up! Aww, I sigh as I reach over to hit the snooze button. Nine more minutes please地s the rhythmic beating of the snare increases in volume it wakes me and I sit up and fight the urge of every cell in my body to stay in my warm bed.

Rat a tat tat ta tat tat is the sound that moves me into the start of my day. To the beat I march semi- soldier like, but no drill sergeants in sight, to work at 5am to cook breakfast for the clients in the group home. Once I am done cooking and cleaning at work at 9 I return home to do the same for my mom and son. The snare is humming a low staccato at this time of the morning. No real rush now just a slow and steady pattern of forward movement.

Noontime arrives and with it the snare picks up the pace. A bright clattering of beats coming across my ears picking up the pace to hurry me along. Its like a marching band of one, a lone woman show. I cant be late class starts at 1! I take a shower and dress bobbing my head to the fast rattling coming from the hip-hop beats made by the snares steady rat-a-tat-tat-tiss. Out the door and in my car I go en route to creative writing class. As the snare in the beginning of Erykas window seat comes through the speakers I tap my fingers on the steering wheel to the sound. The initial drumbeat introduces the vibrations and melodies that follow in the song as my day moves along at a steady pace. Continuing until the evening breaks the snare begins to quiet as the drum is struck further from the center and closer to the rim. The same I can say of me as the sun goes down and the nights sky gets darker the pace of my steps gets slower. The day ends with a fading of the pitch and a deceleration of speed until a complete silence comes over me as I fall asleep in my bed poised to awaken and repeat.

Six word memoir

Homework for the weekend in Intro to creative writing is to write a six word memoir about my New Years and a haiku. I’m a little troubled by the haiku! You write a specific amount of syllables? So I’ve gotta get that one down first but I got my memoir!

“Quiet solitude lead to lazy slumber” Pretty crazy night that was! Lol! After 2017 New Year’s Eve I needed a calm one!

Most of the time I am careful not to make any plans because of momma. She has good days where she’s feeling good enough to get around the house on her own. Also there are bad days when the smallest chore is too much for her. My life is on hold to allow me to be in service to her so I take advantage when she gets the good days.

One such day was New Year’s Eve 2017 (going into 2018) and I was invited to an impromptu party. The hostess was my brothers ex and she is the mother of my niece. I arrived early so that I could help with any last minute details. The hostess of the party (we will call her Pat) and I made a store run for a few things. On the way to the store Pat and I are having small talk. I don’t know how we got on the subject of sex but we did. Pat is like 5 years older than me I think and she was complaining of menopausal symptoms. Basically she lost her libido.

I remember when she was younger she was very free with her sexuality and had no shame. Pat and her husband (we will call him George) had been married some 20 years or more. They had a rough start and middle in their marriage. Infidelities and mistrust was a sad staple in the cupboard of that relationship. I don’t know who did the most cheating. They both were pretty tough as far as that goes. Anyway, fast forward to New Year’s Eve and add me to the mix. You should know that Pat is like a sister to me. I met her when I was 12 years old. During her relationship with my brother she moved into my parents home and lived with us. Pat and I were close enough in age to get caught stealing out of a local department store. We had a relationship where for a while I did look up to her like a big sister. So my last New Years Eve evening went like the following.

Im standing in the alley with my brother and George. It’s about that time of day where the sky seems to grey and the light of day is fading. Loud music fills the air with the swoosh of the kitchen door opening, simultaneously I take my last drag off my cigarette and flick it into the alley. While in the motion of flicking my cigarette I turn to my left (towards Georges direction) in order to head back inside the home.

At the same time Pat is coming through that door that leads from the kitchen to the alley where we were all three of us (me, brother and George) were smoking. The beats and Lil John screaming “Yeah!” came from inside riding her tail as she headed outside towards the alley. Now my guess is, because of the incredible amount of mistrust that is set up between Pat and George anything is possible with me around.

Pat didn’t trust George and me being around would be too big of a temptation for him. She knew he would hit on me.

Later on in the evening at about 11:45 pm I am minding my own business standing in the front of the home smoking when Pat joins me outside. Pat has consumed at least 2-3 whole champagne bottles by now! Pat slurs her words but gets them out clear enough for me to hear her say, Are you fuccin my husband?” Caught way off guard I stuttered and denied it! “No! I wouldn’t do that to myself or you!” “Has he ever hit on you?” Pat asked.

Why the fucc would I answer that question truthfully? Pat knew that George was whorish! Of course he hit on me! What I wanna know is why aren’t you more concerned with my reaction?

If I say that I never screwed him why should it matter whether he hit on me or not? It’s obvious that if he had it failed, because I didn’t fucc him!

Now at this time I didn’t own a car. My niece (Pat’s daughter) lives a few doors down. After kindly relieving myself of Pats presence I ask my niece for her key. Whats up? She says. I give her the rundown of the last 15 minutes of drama and she cussed! “Shit like this is the reason that I don’t come down here!” She continues “As soon as that ball drop we going back to my house!” “She worried about you, and she needs to be worried about Susan in there!” My niece goes back in the house to watch the ball drop, and I wait outside. By this time, I am doing some mental mathematics inside my head. I’m thinking about how this will be the last time I darken this door step. I know how to stay out of trouble!

It hurts to have her accuse me that way. I wouldnt ever cross that linr. I haven’t seen Pat or George since that day. It is now January 27, 2019 and you would not believe how far she’s gone with her insinuations!

#moretocome

Momma

Above is a photo of my momma and sister Sue. My mommas name is Mary Jane Elizabeth and she was born on March 1, 1937. She was the third child (of fifteen in all) born to Arland Columbus and Verbie Meadows. At 17 years old tired of being a worn out teenaged nanny to her younger siblings, because her mom stayed pregnant her entire childhood she married Kenneth Littleton and left the home. My mom is my hero! She said if she was gonna be stuck caring for babies all the time she’d rather they be her own!

Mom and Kenneth lasted long enough she said for her to get pregnant! Momma told me that once she told him that they were expecting a baby he took her back home and informed her that he was not ready for no kid! I’m like,”What you mean like she did this by herself?” That’s crazy right?! No! We are just getting started!

Not long after being dropped off at home did Mary Jane need to get back outta the prison of being big sister nanny to her many siblings so she moved out. I’m not sure of the details but I know she ended up with an alcoholic abuser 20 years older and 4 more kids.

My sister Marilyn Sue was mommas first born her birthday August 16, 1954. At 22 months old Mary Janes sweet mother-in-law hauled my momma to court and accused her of being a prostitute. The judge apparently believed her and took my sister away from my mom.

In May of 2018 (59 years later) I flew from LAX to Oklahoma City. My best friend hopped in a rental car and rode with me to Atkins Arkansas where we met my sister Sue lives. This was my first time meeting my sister in person. Sue was deathly afraid of flying in an airplane. She and my mom had been separated for nearly 60 years! My bestie and I drove Sue to California to reunite her and our mom Mary Jane.

It’s now January 2019 and I see mommas health really declining and she keeps saying that she’s tired. I know it won’t be long before she’s tired and tuckered out. It hurts to watch her go. It hurts to watch her fight to stay. I love her dearly and I want her to live forever but not like this. She’s now 81 years old. Momma has suffered two heart attacks, a stroke, type two diabetes for 35 years. She’s a tough ole bird! It does my heart good to see because it lets me know what I’m made of!

It’s a tough Friday evening after a tough week for us. Momma can’t do anything by herself now. I have to help her get out of bed to use her bedside commode. Today she says to me that she’s sorry to be a burden. It made me cry. Momma no! I wouldn’t have it any other way! It’s hard but I don’t trust anyone else to do it. As long as I can I will! I love her and I want her to be sure of that! She lived a hard life with a lot of painful things that happened. She lost all her kids but two. My brother and I were the ones that she got to raise, and I feel proud that I got to have her as my mom…I will spend the rest of her like making her just as proud to have raised me.

Loving my momma while I can

Saturday morning letter

Im always analyzing the things between us. You know how I can be. Most times Im convinced that you have most definitely have found your way beyond what we were. Every now and again you do things that could be (just what anyone else would do) like 10:45 Saturday night call to check on me. Jasmine Teressa James did the same but because of who you are and what you represent to me I create in my imagination an entirely different scenario. I think about how you say that you dont have time. I shouldnt take the time to create different scenarios and look at your gesture with the same connotation as the others. I intend to do just that. 
The thing that makes you stand apart from the rest is not about you at all. Its all about me and how I entertain the idea and history of us. I see that now. 
What I love the most about you is how youre able to convince me that I am special to you. There is absolutely no one who can hold a candle to the way that I make you feel. You can cry out to God about it and all I can do is marvel at the fact that you have no shame in it!! I think that is pretty fuccin dope. Im digging you in a whole new way for that!! Lol. FYI hearing the vibrations of your voice box do something for you. Thanks

Sapiosexual

I thought I knew you. My mind made up I saw no reason to dwell.

You were just like the rest of them. In it for only yourself. This fact alone was easy to tell

Working every angle only in for selfish gain. You’d take from me what you could see and quickly be on your way.

You wouldn’t see the value of me or take a moment to try

To see if there was more to me than what meets your eye

With a made up mind I take a bit more time observing what’s in front of me

I’d been wrong in placing you among the others from which you came to be

A standout at best a light brighter than rest

You draw me into a place where I want to be the best I can be

So that possibly you could see what is meant to be might be with me

How could you not see? when everything in me rises up to greet you?

If not forever with you then for my good to do what I need for restoration

A demand for the best and quick refusal of the rest For the top is my destination

College student seeking no distractions

It’s 7:30 am on a Sunday morning and she had been awake at least an hour. She had a lot on her mind. School was starting in 9 days and she was so excited! This semesters offerings were human physiology and intro to creative writing. Excited for both she looked to Human physiology as another step towards fulfilling her science courses for nursing. That satisfied her practical side.

Intro to creative writing for her was a step in pursuit of the romantic side of life. Time didnt allow much room for being social between school and caring for an aging mother. Reading and writing about romance stood in the gap of where a real living and breathing human being would be in an ideal world. She knew that she had some talent in writing and expressing herself with the written word. In the past she had some minimal success with short essay submissions, and piecework. Her hope for the future was that she could attain success in both avenues of nursing and writing. However, this outlet of writing was not about money but special to her. Putting thoughts to paper was cathartic, and the romances she bore through her creativity filled a void. She wasnt exactly sure there truly was a void, or if the empty spaces in her social life was just room to grow.

She had spent the last two years in mourning for the demise of a marriage that was doomed from the start. She believed that she needed the time to sort out her share of the responsibilities in that failure. About two years seemed to be a good start. Once the emotional wounds began to heal she found herself feeling more alone than she liked. Time spent out in public meeting people and making friends consumes too much time. She didnt have the luxury of time to invest in socializing. College level courses require time devoted to reading and writing papers to excel and earn good grades. So she couldn’t afford distractions. Still sometimes when her independence felt like more loneliness she wanted to have someone. She contemplated online dating sites. She couldnt bring herself to do the work of building a profile, uploading pictures and worst of all sorting through the various plethoras of lunatics, weirdness and unsolicited dick pictures . She stuck with the gram. It served her well before. Plus there was a small possibility of something that showed real promise.

She had met someone. A real living and breathing man. The more they interacted the more she thought about the things that he said to her. As they were getting to know each other through direct messages he would express himself and talk about

how he was feeling her. She enjoyed the exchange of words and attention through the gram. He gave her little nuggets of wisdom that he had gathered along his journey in life. He caused her to question herself. Not doubt or condemn herself, but things he would say to her inspired self-inventory. He moved her to evaluate herself and make room for an opportunity to grow? The more she learned about him the more fascinated she became. Early one Saturday morning she woke up around 5am. He was on her mind so she wrote him a letter.

Dear friend,

Good morning my lovely friend and happy Saturday! I just woke up like an hour ago and the time is 7:35 am. Its 34 degrees outside! You know how when your bladder wakes you up. Its so cold in your room but cozy and warm in your bed that you hate to get up? Thats me this morning! Lol. I been thinking about you a bit more than usual these last few days. I hesitate to tell you about it because I dont want you to think ill of my thoughts or intentions regarding you. You have encouraged me from the gate to be straight and say what I am thinking so that is what I will do. I want to write you a letter but I dont have ink in my printer and I

cannot buy any until the first. So Im writing it this way because I gotta get this out and work through it. Ok so Im not sure where to start!! I have been thinking about you and I getting to know each other. I liked you before I knew who you were too. I think we both were digging the others feed on IG relating to each others posts. Recognizing the thought process behind those posts and seeing similarities between us. I went through your profile a while before you actually DM me trying to see what I could learn about you but I didnt want to approach you for fear of what you might deduce from that so I just kept watching you. It seemed that we had a lot in common and I can appreciate that. You know like I do that appreciation stems mostly from the fact that it is not a frequent occurrence to find another to share many things in common with ( did that make sense?) lol! So when you finally did message me I was pleased to receive it. I remember trying not to be too eager in answering because I was giddy at that point! (Dont laugh!) Once you did message me I went back and investigated your profile again. This time

I looked to see if we had friends in common. Do we know each others

family or ex? Where did you come from?

As we are getting better acquainted and learning about each other I am more impressed with you and I want you to know that. You know that I liked your intellect from the beginning. Im fuccin having a hard time right now! Lol. I have

typed and erased this one sentence I dk how many times cause I want it to come across the right way!! Ugh! Ok I can do this lol! Its ok to laugh at me now because Im being stupid for trying to say whats on my mind but scared to do it! Im at the point now where Im worried that Im liking you

too much if that makes any sense?! Im a work in progress and going through some healing. Im in no condition for a relationship.

I am now giving myself the love I would give to another. It is a goal to see what your girl will gain from a totally unselfish and generous lover like myself 弘 I’m betting that it will prepare me for the

future. Not sure if you’re there (in the future) or not but one thing is certain, and that is some of the things that you have said to me I have adopted as my own.

Our conversations have been for the most part brief but with each transaction I have been enlightened. I remember in the beginning you called me a ‘sapiosexual’. My first thought was one of surprise because you knew the term and the meaning, and the fact that you applied that to me as well. Intelligent conversation is a must for me. I feel like my brain gets bored and I lose interest almost immediately. In the beginning I had hoped that for us. That you would bore me, but it wasn’t long before I knew better.

You are the latest installment of inspiration for my creative energies. I believe that you are a catalyst to a new beginning. A metamorphosis is taking place inside me. I can actually imagine me in the picture of health. I am sure that this July 10, 2019 I will have accomplished 2 things; discipline for loving and caring for myself, and some weight loss.

By the time we meet again I will have gained stamina both mentally and physically with my emotions in check. I already love myself. I am going to love myself even more becoming the woman I believe is waiting to shine.

You told me recently that you have a serious hunger for me. Those two words “serious hunger” caused my mind to wander with images of us so billowy and rhythmic in the wind of my imagination that I held my breath! The burst of adrenaline released as my mind processed the words on the screen gave me a serious high. My second thought was one of recollection. I asked myself a question,”When’s the last time you had that reaction to someone?” I don’t waste time taking inventory of the last decade of disappointments to eventually come up with an answer. I know the answer as sure as I know that hunger pang you spoke of and how it came to be.

Sincerely,

Me

His response was quick and dirty!

Gm pretty lady, i know ur intent wit this letter wuz depth,,,,,but u turned me on when i read it….

She didnt mind his reaction and told him exactly that. The friendship would serve a purpose in her rising to the possible occasion of meeting a real match for her. To have a match in every sense she believed impossible. Only time would reveal the truth. We will check back in sometime in the future to see!

Signed, Hopeful

My secret

Lately I been working on doing things differently. I’m not sure what the right way is just yet. I haven’t had the opportunity to see if my new method is effective. What I know is the old way wasn’t working for me because I am still alone and misunderstood.

It shouldn’t be so hard to meet and connect with someone. We all have the same basic needs. We all have many things in common and similar experiences living and growing up. Differences come into play with how we are raised. If we are nurtured or neglected. Did we have both parents in our home? Did our parents leave us feeling loved or left to fend for ourselves? So many factors can play a role in who we eventually become. Losing my father suddenly at 14 years old I thought may have given me ‘daddy issues’ but now I don’t think so. I looked up the meaning and it is; psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with ones father, often manifesting in a distrust of, or a sexual desire for men who act as father figures. That’s not me. I trusted my dad. He was always there for me. Some of the men in my life so far have not been. Honestly, it hasn’t always been their fault. I can be a real handful!

This last relationship that I had was a real tragedy. I’m working on figuring out what happened to me and him. Also I don’t want to miss the chance to learn and grow.

I have a new internet friend and it’s crazy because we met in person about 20 years ago! I admit that I don’t recall meeting him but I am sure that we did. It’s funny how things happen sometimes. In the beginning of our new friendship I didn’t see it going anywhere. I didn’t even see it going past having a couple of conversations. It’s going on some months now I believe and countless conversations. It’s a great experience for me because I am really enjoying getting to know him. He’s very smart and interesting. He doesn’t respond to me the way I expect and he is fluent in reading between the lines.

I haven’t ever been face to face with him that I can remember, but I see him everyday online. I get excited to see his avatar but I keep my composure and I don’t reach out much. I’m noticing a pattern in my behavior of plugging someone in when I’m lonely and don’t have someone special in my life. I don’t want to do that anymore. I especially don’t want to do that with him. I want to know what it is that I am going through is really about. I don’t want to keep up the vicious cycle of feeling lonely and filling that void with whom ever is close enough. Only to get to the point where they have to go because they were never meant for me anyway.

I will welcome the emptiness and embrace the true loneliness of adulthood. I know that my friend has a role to play in my life and so far he’s doing a fabulous job of teaching me how to stand on my own. Without trying very hard he is helping me to learn how to control the impulses that drive me. Right now these impulses are focused on him. I fear it’s not really him but my codependency that’s got me in this place. Knowing what I know of him and imagining the possibilities of what could be I want to be better than that. I will focus my energies on rising up to the level of where I want to be to meet him in that place of real adulthood. I agree with him when he said between us almost anything is possible!