As per usual I wake up early in the morning and you are on my mind. It’s been over 4 years since I left him, but I’m still stuck in that place…reeling from the damage that was done to my life. I wonder if it is supposed to be this way? Shouldn’t I be healing? Shouldn’t I be looking forward to the rest of my life? I don’t know but I’m not supposed to be here. Stuck. In limbo. Paused. Feeling like I have no place in this world and where I am, in my daughter’s home, is only because she feels sorry for me. 

I believed in someone who only had their best interest in mind. I am so sad sometimes that I just want to make it stop. I left to make it stop, but the damage was done. I made it permanent so that I could move forward but I am stuck in a place where I feel like I’m knee deep in mud. 

I keep thinking about going to talk to someone about it. I’m hoping that I will find a way on my own but I’m not sure what to do. I can’t believe that I am alone in this feeling. 

Looking at the world at others I only see people moving. They’re moving around in the gym with big cheesy grins so happy to work out. In traffic I look over at the driver waiting next to me at the light and he has a similar cheesy grin! So happy to be driving his car headed to his destination. At work I watch the middle school children talk, run and play with each other and they all own the same cheesy grin. Life is good and everyone is moving forward and I’m stuck knee deep in this emotional mud! I think to myself If I stay here I’m going to die, and in that same moment I think so what? Death can’t be any worse than this and who’s to say that it’s not better?