I been thinking about my life and the sum of the decisions that I have made. The memory is a funny thing you know? The facts of the past occurences don’t change but my perception of them has changed. I remember the choices that I made. The mindset in which I made those choices is somewhat foreign to me. I understand growth. I’ve realized that it’s difficult to make choices for the future when you can’t see past the present.
For the longest time I lived like a teenager with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex. I could only see the “here and now”. A fixed mindset will have you fixed. Fixed or stuck may be a better description. Stuck in a cycle of the same shit day after day. No growth. No upward movement. No capacity to evolve. No ability to change your mind. You broke my heart that day I followed you to Jackies. Up to that day you were all that mattered in the world to me. I was content to give myself only to you. I hadn’t even thought of another. After that day nothing was ever the same. Your 15 year old prefrontal cortex ruined my life. I don’t blame you. You couldn’t see 36 years into the future and realize what you were destroying. We will never know what could have been.
- I’m grateful that you made it right for me in 2002. I will never forget the proposal or that day in December driving through the rain to the ceremony. It was dreary and rainy but one of the happiest and brightest days of my life. Thank you for loving me enough to give me your name. You knew it was important to me to be your wife. I will cherish the memories we share for the rest of my life. We were the best of friends in some of the darkest times of our lives. We shared a passion between us that was explosive and I haven’t ever experienced the loving we shared again with another. Ours is a complex and living relationship that has outlived any other. Still connected without interaction I know that you will always be a part of me. I pray all the happiness that you can stand for your life. I pray that you have the freedom to be yourself and celebrate your life. I pray that you are loved deeply and honestly. I will always love you. Thanks for sharing your time and heart with me. I pray someday that you can empathize with me.