Yesterday, I saw the neurologist again about the treatment of bilateral carpal tunnel in both of my hands. I hesitate when I say “hands” because the pain seems to involve my entire arms including my shoulders! Back to the appointment, so I told him that I had ran out of the tizanidine about 3 weeks ago while still visiting my brother in Texas and my headaches have returned. I’m shocked at how I was functioning with these headaches while taking care of my 83 year old disabled incontinent mother! I guess you really just do what you gotta do! I can barely bend over to reach for something and the throbbing makes me want to faint! Doctor said “Ok we will refill your prescription and send you to get a consult for hand surgery.”
At about 4 pm I go and pick up my meds and go to my friends house. She’s letting me crash on her couch. I don’t want to stay in momma’s house alone. For me it is a very dark place and I fear that darkness will overtake me before long. I take a ½ of the dosage and begin to watch Netflix and after a short while I awaken to my mouth wide open! I took ½ of a dose thinking that I might be able to fight the drowsiness but I could not m. I didn’t even know that I was asleep! SMH… Once the evening started to come in I went ahead and took the other ½ and slept until 5:30 am. I woke up and as usual I thought about momma. Momma said she was tired of being alone. I’m so sorry that she felt alone and I can’t help but feel like I let her down. Is this my grieving telling me that or am I battling with guilt? It’s spilled milk at this point. Momma gave up. She is gone for good now. I can no longer be there for her and cure her loneliness.
Now I wonder if my punishment is to be lonely too?
Grieving or riddled with guilt?