I been thinking about making a plan for my life but it seems too much to contemplate. I’m worried about growing old and dying alone but not so much that I care to entertain any suitors who try. They flatter me and I try to get to the point of reciprocating the energy. For some reason I don’t find the idea attractive. I just keep mulling over it like it’s a chore I’d rather skip over. Why even try again? I do realize that I have to give someone a chance if I expect anything to happen, but I can’t find my way. I believe that it’s probably better not to try.
With this revelation I have to go forward and find what does work for me right now.
Casual dating is not the answer. I don’t want a fling. I want a partner and that means becoming the vision of who could move me to want them in my life. I spoke with a friend about manifestation and bringing about what I want so I intend to start there.
I bought a book and a journal today. The book is titled, “The black woman’s guide to understanding the black man”, written by Shahrazad Ali.
I know that in the basic sense of relationships color doesn’t matter and with this book it is not the subject that interests me as much as the author. I do want to understand all that I can about my son, my brother and my future partner. I also want to learn about the author her mindset and explore the wisdom she has. I feel led to do so. I will start with this book and use my journal to make a list of things that I can do to make my life better without the aid and interest of a man.
I began this note some days ago. I have had some exciting things happen since then. I spent the day in the ER after suffering an allergy induced asthma attack. After IV meds and breathing treatments and the day turning to night I was discharged. That event set me on this path of taking better care of my body. They poked me 3 times before they found a vein that didn’t blow as soon as they tried to draw blood! The vein that stood up to the abuse was located in the lower part of my forearm and in the most sensitive part! So every time they injected something into the IV I experienced the worst burning sensation! Ugh! Just my luck! But this does not compare to the dating portion of my life right now.
The most recent and interesting event of my life has been the virtual meeting of what seems to be a good looking narcissistic man! He is no real stranger to me, because we grew up in the same neighborhood, but we’ve never actually met. He is closer to my older brother’s age and he mentioned my brother by name when he messaged me online.
I had given up on dating for a while. I was getting tired of the bullshit men I keep attracting! I figured that I should get to work on being the version of the type of partner that I want to attract.
So, I figured since the ER doctor forced my lungs open with steroids and meds that I would take advantage of my bloods oxygenation and get out and walk! I’m working towards the goal of 10K steps per day, and then onto Couch to 5K! I’m on day 4 and I have yet to reach my goal but I feel so much better both physically and mentally, or is it emotionally?
So, back to Mr. Friendly! SMH! I am so grateful for the wisdom that I have from my dealings with my old friend E! A classic narc of the textbook sort! My dealings with E helped to sever my relationship with my high school sweetheart and taught me the classic signs of narcissism.
E started in on me on day one with lovebombing! In case you didn’t know that term it’s when they shower you with this overwhelming amount of lovely sentiments and romantic gestures. Now don’t get me wrong I know that love takes time to develop, and I should’ve known better but I was fresh out of an abusive relationship in which I was starved for any sort of affection or attention every time my actions didn’t please my partner. My spiritual condition made me vulnerable and I drank in E’s meaningless words as if I had just spent a week wandering through the Sahara!
Only to find he only wanted to draw me into himself to play with my feelings and use me for his own validation. Luckily I didn’t get too far with him. He made the mistake of telling me to pray and ask God about him. I don’t think he really believes in God, instead he uses God to convince others that he is a saved and righteous man. My prayer fast lasted 13 days and it was on the last day that I was instructed to speak to his ex, and his friend who happened to be someone that I knew very well. They both warned me to get away from him in a hurry! I trusted them and did what they said. I found out that he was indeed the “snake” that my friend said that he was, and more! Now I know better than before that you trust actions and not words!
Wisdom is a gift so precious, because once you feel that heat from the flame you know, for the rest of your life not to get so close that you get burned. This new narc, Mr Friendly I will call him will move on pretty soon I am sure. I will starve him of my attention. Day 2 of our interactions online and he is inundating me with sentiments like, “You been out of my life too long I’m not letting you get away this time!” Umm, I was never close enough to be in his life! We have literally never met face to face! Seriously guy?, SMH! No baby boy! I’m not the woman for you and you are not the man for me! I’m not looking for a redo of Eloc! Never again will I allow loneliness and hurt to convince me to entertain foolishness! Mr Friendly will move on to his next pick, and I will continue on with my quest to find someone real.
My heart is still broken but it works just fine. I can feel love as well as pain and I will be damned if I let anyone else get next to me that clearly means me no good!