Dating in a pandemic is not what I am used to. Dates for me was going to dinner, watching a movie in a theater while eating popcorn. I have gone to the county fair and sampled the food and ridden giant roller coasters at Magic Mountain on dates. A couple of times I met someone at a club and danced with them. Went home with them. Had breakfast with them the very next day.

I recall feeling safe to get in my dates’ car and even driving out of town with him. It never occurred to me that my date might have nasty thoughts about me. Don’t misunderstand me when I say ‘nasty’ thoughts!! Some nastiness is cool. Like the nasty Janet Jackson means when she sings, “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty!” This is more like Bundy nasty. The nasty thoughts some folks have that created the need for pictures on milk cartons.

I also remember being warned of the dangers of the internet. How once you put something on there it is out there in the universe and irretrievable.

As I consider the things that I have sent out into that universe I chuckle!! Oh well! My personal business is out there in the universe. I don’t know how hard you have to look or who you would have to ask but you could see my ta tas if you wanted! Lol! Possibly more than that. SMH. I can’t blame it on being young and dumb either! I didn’t start up the height of experimentation until my 40’s.

2020 was a year for many firsts. Some Miss Jackson firsts and some just nasty firsts. It introduced me to blackouts and possible roofies, and wicked people who looked friendly. I found myself feeling like Little Red Riding Hood staring at the wolf’s sharp teeth. The smell of his breath offending me as he stands in my face snarling getting ready to eat me!

So what am I supposed to do now? Now that I am traumatized and untrusting of anyone. I don’t know what will become of me. If I don’t figure out how to get past the pain I don’t know how anyone can get close enough to me. Honestly, I don’t know if I can get past it. This pain seems to have me cornered. Convincing me that everyone is nasty. No one is good and I may as well give up. Settle into a monk style life. No love life for me and the tragedy that has become my life will rule.