…denial helps us minimize the overwhelming pain of loss. As we process the reality of our loss, we are also trying to survive emotional pain.

I do not want to mourn for my mother while she is yet alive…but I do…every day.. I want to coach her onto her feet again, but she won’t even try anymore…She pretends to but then when we come to her bedside to assist she says that she is too weak..she is beginning to cough now..I say to myself, “COVID19 is claiming another one…if her…than why not me?..I have been caring for her for almost 6 weeks…is this my very near future? I do not want to begin the 5 stages on myself but something inside me nags at the idea that I am in the stage of denial already…I have not been tested..i don’t have a cough..no fever…no flu like symptoms of any kind so I believe my body and don’t stress about it. Hell! I got enough stress…I got school…I got momma…I got Mo..well Mo is a necessary dependent. He helps me care for his gma…I worry about him too…We are in her face everyday…Mo…my gentle giant of a son loves his gma…he helps and has not said a word about her being positive for COVID19..I do not want to let me thoughts torment me of this being his future either…we wear the N95 masks..we wash our hands and use hand sanitizer when leaving her room..I pray this is not a stage of denial..If so I got some shit I want to make sure is heard before I go out into the universe to discover there has gotta be something better than this!!!! 

I would still take care of my momma knowing that it would kill me too..No regrets…If I have my way she will die with me holding her hand..we were not always sweet to one another…We both failed to meet each others needs at times…momma always loved me…I always loved her and I will continue to love her until I die…she was good to me…I guess there is really no way that I can hold off the grieving for momma while watching her want so badly to get out of that bed and not being able to even bend her legs or her waist…it is as if rigor mortis is setting in slowly and her mind and heart have not accepted death…so she lays in the bed in a partially paralyzed body…it hurts momma…to watch you fight…hurts to see you hurt…i wish I could do more to comfort you…even hugs hurt you…i kiss you on the forehead and say to you, “I love you momma.” I will leave you so you can rest now…every time you say,”I love you too.” I hope that it is not the last time…