Momma

Is the sound of a death rattle like the smell of rotting flesh? Like when first you detected the smell of a dead body somehow you knew… I awoke to find momma had vomited again and was wet and clammy. I cleaned up around her and cut the soaking wet shirt off of her.

She’s dead weight right now, almost.

She was breathing and sleeping quietly when I found her laying in her own vomit… I have lost count of how many times I’ve been here… I am growing weary of watching her suffer… I know that the day will come when I won’t have her to care for anymore…Soon the day will come when I wish she could be here for me like she was all my life.

Momma has always been good to me. Not always nice and sweet but good to me. I fantasize about that day you know? The day when I want to see her and talk to her and laugh about whatever. I reminisce on those days already…momma has been sick for a very long time. We haven’t sat and watched a western in over a year…I am so delirious and sleep deprived that I don’t remember what we watched the night I brought momma home (from the Covid-19 ravaged nursing home) one month and 6 days ago.

I am listening to the music on my phone right now as I sit on my couch and type this note in the dark…I don’t want to hear momma snoring and breathing like she is right now… I don’t want to be awake for this…she’s coughing and all I can think is COVID-19 is killing her. I don’t want to, but the next question is will this be me a month from now? Such an awful state this world is in…still I would hate to leave it… I think 🤔

Thinking