There goes the damn rooster! It’s 4:53 AM I’m awake probably two hours now. Waking up early like this is how it’s going to be from now on I’m pretty sure so, I do my YouTube thing and watch videos. I find one about the Caribbean. Daydreaming about visiting…then a royal Caribbean cruise ship, well actually it was five Royal Caribbean cruise ships. The videos narrators, two guys Ben and David I think their names were and they were introducing to the world the five new cruise ships in the royal Caribbean line of 2021. My thoughts go to first the two cruise ships that I missed out on. Paid for, but did not make it in time to get on the boat, nor collected a refund for that I missed. Smh…

And then I think about the cruise that I actually got to take and they were all in the Caribbean the last one was in 2015 when me and my friend went to to Jamaica which was really the biggest draw to this cruise. And for me it ended up being the biggest drawback, because my dumb ass smoked a Doobie in the van with her and an Islander who was also our tour guide!  That shit had me so fucking paranoid that I couldn’t even enjoy the high so,  I made a big ass fuss until my friend had the man to take us back to the boat! We went back to the boat hours early from when we were to depart!  We missed out on seeing Jamaica because I got high and paranoid spoiled it! The plan was always to go back this time stay at a resort for at least a week so that we may see the luxurious beautiful Jamaica that you see in the advertisements.

It used to be fun and enjoyable to look at and watch these videos about vacation destinations however,  COVID-19… I believe I can tell you the honest truth and say not a day goes by without me saying that I hate it here and I want to go back to the 80’s! Oh and I say at least a few times a week we are now in the world of the hunger games! I’ll proceed with thought from there to look at other movies like The book of Eli and get real anxious… is that post apocalyptic fictional movie a premonition born from the producers who wrote the story or is it an actual prediction of the world coming on horizon?

 I think I need to talk to somebody.  At four am,  three am,  and most of the time there’s really no one there except you…I remember a time when it was you and even though you can’t speak back to me,  interact with me,  as another human being can, say a therapist could do… you helped me like a mirror gives you a chance to see the spec on your face you wouldn’t see otherwise.. I don’t know man sometimes well I’m having a hard time seeing you to be really useful this time around…partly because I’m holding on to stuff that I don’t really want to release even though it’s like I’m holding hot coals in my hands and it is burning the fuck out of me,  but I don’t want to let go, but I have to because it’s killing me!  I don’t know how to start the conversation this time… I still remember I think his name was Terry… it’s funny I thought about him for a time or two before and couldn’t remember his name but it came to me so clearly just now.

 Terry was the first therapist I ever got to talk to. I think he was a marriage and family therapist. I had a Doctor Who worked on the medical side of the clinic that I was working in at the time that referred me to Terry one day when I went to work crying the whole way there with a knot in my chest.  I had no explanation as to why I was sobbing so terribly that it was shaking my body.  I was heaving between sobs and barely able to catch my breath… I got to the office Terry’s office building. I sat down and talked to Terry. I was not sobbing so much any more. I was relieved to be away from work because it was too much for me to deal with.  It seems anything really was too much to deal with that day. Mind you it was just an ordinary day.  There was no anniversary of any bad experiences.  No trauma of any kind. I don’t even know what day of the week it was. Doesn’t  matter what it was like a Wednesday I suppose. Yet I was crying like I just got the worst news like somebody I loved was gone or something that extreme.

I’m sitting in the office and Terry comes in and introduces himself. I remember he was a firefighter and during a rescue he was injured on the job. He broke his neck and could no longer be a firefighter. He went back to school and became a therapist. Inspiring story…he then asked me about myself and I told him of my own recent accomplishment of moving to the east coast and living in a dorm for 2 years, apart from my 3 young children, and my recently deceased husband whom had died just 3 weeks prior to my first day of school. Terry applauded my efforts to be a good parent and secure a productive future for them. Terry then broke the news to me about my crying issue this day.

By burying my husband and leaving behind my children and my home and all that was associated with the life that I knew, I was able to put off dealing with my loss until…later… I attended the university and earned my degree. Two of the roughest and exciting, sometimes boring, sometimes cold and depressing years of my life. Grieving, Terry said, is inevitable. You’re a special person Vickie…not many people who could do what you did. The mental fortitude it takes to put the grief of losing your husband, kids, and the only life that you knew to move across the country and earn a degree is not common…but grief must be done…it’s one of those things in life that is like a baptism by fire. Terry’s diagnosis for my uncontrollable sobs this ordinary Wednesday? I was grieving…2 years later after everyone else that knew and loved Marlon had already grieved and moved on… I had to catch up and I can’t tell you what triggered it but my broken heart for the loss of my husband burst and spilled out of me in quiet heaving sobs… Do you think that is what I am doing now as I care for my 83 year old bed bound and very sick momma? I’m not sobbing… I don’t have time for that! Momma can barely feed herself. I roll her in the bed every 4 to 5 hours to change her adult diaper. She weighs 170 and my hands are weakened with carpal tunnel syndrome smh. It’s painful and I can’t do anything about it. I know that a skilled nursing facility is where she should be but they neglected her…I need help and not necessarily with her… I. Need.Help.