I’m up…it’s 4:40 am. I been up probably an hour or so, and I was thinking of getting at you but I felt like I didn’t have too much to say. I’ve taken my meds and I’m laying in my bed in the dark with my phone. I went to my emails first which is crazy!!! How does anyone stay on top of this bullshit?! The one of the 3 email icons on my phone has a little balloon with the number 2920 on it! 🤦 🤦 🤦 SMH

Anyway so as I am checking my emails I come across this email from someone and it’s disappointing to read. I am really trying to make strides in the being kind and listening department in my life right now. I’m convinced that is a big part of the lesson that I am needing to learn.
This person doesn’t seem to mean me any harm though, I don’t suspect, but it’s hard not to get let down with notes like these…
I don’t need to be racked with the chore of explaining to someone how the rumors that they are hearing about me are untrue. Why are you talking about me to other people anyway? I guess you forgot about how
I hate gossip…if you are discussing what I am doing or who I am seeing with another person that is gossip! My business is ONLY mine to tell and I don’t tell my business to anyone who I don’t think will break my trust. I’m serious I am growing very weary of “people” I figure a real detachment is in order. Like really just be here with momma and nurse and love on her and concentrate on school. I’m in two courses that require a lot of reading. I’m reading ‘Go tell it on the mountain’ by James Baldwin for my ethnic studies class and ‘Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People’ and I am enjoying both so there you go!! Buckle down and socialize them books cause people are too much to deal with!! I’m off dating! Completely! I’m going to get myself some personal solo entertainment and take care of the things in my life that require and deserve my attention. Like momma and the rest of my family.

I’m logging of social media and closing the door on the outside world. Covid19 is out there anyway. I’m seeing the virus edge it’s way around me. My friend that I used to do yard duty with announced on Facebook that her sister was really sick and hospitalized with Covid19 and that she had tested positive herself. That was last week sometime and yesterday she posted a picture of herself wearing a hospital gown with a tube up her nose with a caption that read “Pray for me” It was a haunting image for me! I don’t want to get sick and die. I know eventually I will die, but until I do I will not try to speed up the process!!
I say this and ponder the idea of getting out this bed to go in the living room to smoke a cigarette! SMH!

I don’t know what to do about this friend. I mean of course I do but you don’t understand!! It’s like a compulsive disorder and I don’t know how to quit! I’m always stressing out lately. I’m dealing with the house falling apart like momma! The shower is constantly running because of the pipe in the wall needs replacing! As I begin to list the problems I am dealing with I want the cigarette!! Help?! Can anyone advise me on what to do? I have done it all from gum to Chantix!