At 5:29 am I am up and thinking about stuff. Wondering if momma is feeling better in the hospital after lying in the bed too weak to get up for 4 days straight…the morning of the 4th day I woke her and she proceeded to vomit what looked like coffee grounds. Due to my prior experience of witnessing my ex throw up what looked like coffee grounds I knew that could be serious, so I called the ambulance. Once the ambulance arrived I noticed the people who are helping me are all attractive I even commented on the blonde with the nice glue on lashes,”Gosh! Paramedics are way more attractive these days!” Afterwards, I scanned the room to see that indeed they were all attractive! All four paramedics and the two firefighters! Smh!
I’m feeling my age of half a century for real right now! Smh! Why else did they all look so attractive? I mean it’s pretty clear what’s going on here? I honestly didn’t really think about it until right this minute…they all had one thing (besides pretty masked faces) in common…they were all young.
Ruminating on the idea that they all had wore makes me wonder if I saw more than their faces? One would think that you must have a heart for people to become a health care worker, but I then recall the condition of mommas rotten feet after a year in a nursing home under Covid-19 restrictions. Mommas feet reeked of death the first few days that she was home! The day before yesterday I changed her bandages and doctored her feet and there was no longer an odor. This tells me that the diabetic ulcers on the heels of her feet were not treated in the facility. At least they were not treated like they needed to be.
Today is my first full day of no momma to care for…what to do? I’m thinking of deleting some social media from my devices. It’s become a source of heartache. I was thinking about the fact that the pandemic is forcing those of us who don’t want to become infected with Covid-19 to be antisocial. The problem is everyone that I have encountered has been either a shitty person, or in a shitty place themselves.
How else do you remedy that there is anything good coming out of it? I’m just like everyone else, a human being, to quote my advanced writing school textbook, “ Human beings are social animals, first and foremost. Other members of our species are significant to us in ways that little else in the physical world can compete with.” (Blind spot)
I want to be social. I want to have a life partner. I want someone to care about me and care for me. It seems that I am asking this world (every man I meet) for too much.
I was watching the Eddie and Arsenio movie “Coming to America” last night and the scene after they were in the bar stated my question perfectly. For those of you who live under a rock these two men (one a very wealthy prince, and his bodyguard) spend an evening in the bars searching for a potential wife for the prince. Prince Akeem asked his friend Semi, “Is it my imagination or does every woman in New York have a severe emotional problem?”
Omgee I feel like this! The people that I am meeting online are completely self-absorbed and infatuated with my appearance or the demons they are wrestling are too much for me!
I’m looking through the ones that are looking at me, and I don’t want anyone of them. Yeah there’s 7 billion people on the planet they say, but how many of them are “throw aways”?
Signed Doom to grow old and die alone
Blindspot: Hidden biases of good people