Confessions of a broken woman

I have these moments when I swear I miss her so much that I feel so heartbroken that I wake up in tears. I am so grateful for you and Marlon that you care enough for me that you didn’t toss me out of your life. I don’t want to live out the rest of my life in the aftermath of the Gage invasion. It’s like he came back into my life just to ruin my family structure. Now they are gone and with them any chance of me ever feeling whole again. I wish I could change it back. I miss us. Me and my 3 babies. I miss road tripping to San Francisco with uncle James taking pictures at the beach. I miss Marlon and Marlena fighting over who is sitting where in the car. I miss making my mom breakfast and seeing her sit and watch Bonanza. I miss her calling me and telling me about how these people at work are treating her. I miss meeting Dre at the bus and giving him chips after school. I miss watching him walk back and forth in and out of the living room while I sit on the couch and study biology. I miss my family. I don’t miss Michael. I miss my life before they came when I still had the love of my family. I miss Marlon Sr. and our little family of five when it wasn’t perfect but I felt accepted and whole. Why couldn’t it last longer than 3 years? Is 3 years of happiness all that I deserve? Why do I have to suffer this loss for the remainder of my life? I wish I could take it all back. Every time that she felt I wasn’t there for her. Every time that she was hurt because she had to deal with them harassing her in her own childhood home and she couldn’t depend on me to save her. Every time that she felt like she wasn’t good enough for me to save her. I wish I could take it back. God this hurts my heart so much. I hate my life now. It doesn’t matter that I hate what happened because I cannot be released from it. I left the marriage for what it did to me and my family. They broke up my family and it feels like everyone has moved on and embraced their new life but me. My punishment for not being a good mother is to have this life where everyone is doing good but me. You have Joseph and Denise and your life is whole. Laney has Andy and her beautiful kids and her life is whole. Marlon has yet to find a wife but it’s just a matter of time and his life will be whole too. As for me, I lost my family and it won’t ever be whole again. First Marlon. Next hygiene. My house. My car. My healthy wrists. My hope for what would be my future is all gone. I imagine this is how the baby who spilled her milk and cries at the empty cup feels. There’s nothing I can do now to ever feel whole again. I live my life one day at a time heartbroken and helpless to put my family back together again. She’s gone from me forever and I am so sorry for the pain I let her go through because I thought he was my last chance to have someone to grow old with. Now I must accept this life of living out the remainder of it alone. No partner of my own to love and depend on to help me get through the hard times. I won’t get to have Thanksgivings where I am gma and all my babies come over and help me cook dinner and watch old TV shows while we eat turkey and dressing. Because I didn’t know how to get out of the hell that Michael and his family brought into my house I don’t get to enjoy the family that me and the love of my life created. When I get these moments where I am feeling like I’m gonna fall apart I remember the joy that I felt when I found out that you were on your way and I understand now what I didn’t know then at 17 years old. You would be my saving grace. You would be the one thing that I could be grateful for that you didn’t give up on me ever being good enough to forgive for my mistakes. You love me enough to know that I didn’t want anything to happen to hurt ever hurt you. I didn’t want anything to happen to ever hurt her. I wish I could take it all back. I would go without ever having a love of my own to have my family whole again. I’m sorry I let y’all down. Im so sorry Laney. So so sorry .

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