I have these moments when I swear I miss the ole days so much. At times I feel so heartbroken that I wake up in tears.

Always be grateful for the people who love you. They will be there for you when times are tough.

Trouble will walk into your life and ruin everything and you never saw it coming! Time will fly by and before you know it months even years have passed and (it seems) with them any chance of you ever feeling whole again. Losing loved ones can turn your world upside down!

I miss road tripping to San Francisco with uncle J taking pictures at the beach. I miss M&M and fighting over who is sitting where in the car. I miss making momma breakfast while she sat and watched Bonanza. I miss the phone calls. I miss them calling me and telling me about their day at work. I miss meeting D at the bus and giving him chips after school. I miss watching him walk back and forth in and out of the living room while I sit on the couch and study biology. I miss my family. I miss my life before the enemy came in and I still had the love of my family. I miss my late husband, and our little family of five when it wasn’t perfect, but I felt accepted and whole. What I don’t miss is feeling insufficient.

Why couldn’t our marriage last longer? Is 3 years of happiness all that I deserve? Must I suffer this loss for the remainder of my life?

Every time I let a loved one down… Every time they were hurt and couldn’t depend on me. I wish I could take it all back…

Regret feels like a bruise just beginning to heal. Violet in color and sensitive to the slightest touch. You’re painfully reminded every time you accidentally bump it, of the initial injury.

I’ve since moved on from the troubled relationship because of what it did to me and my family. It broke my family structure. Now, everyone has moved on and embraced their new life but me.

Sometimes I wonder is my punishment for not knowing better to suffer the remainder of my life alone? I lost the family that I knew then and I wonder if my family ever be whole again? Looking back it looks like a domino effect came through and wiped out the life I knew in one fell swoop!

My first loss was becoming a widow at 25 years old. Next my carrier in hygiene destroyed by occupational injury aka mild bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome (don’t get it twisted the pain, tingling burning sensation coupled with numbness by no means feels mild!) Because I could no longer work I lost my house, and my car. My hope for what would be my future is all gone. I imagine this is how the baby who spilled her milk and cries at the empty cup feels.

Again, it seems as if, there is nothing I can do now to ever feel whole again. I live my life one day at a time heartbroken and helpless to put my family back together again. The family my husband and I built is gone forever. I so regret the pain that everyone suffered.

When I get these moments where I am feeling like I’m gonna fall apart I will remember that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This will be my saving grace that I can be grateful for that I didn’t give up.