Old friends

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Hey what’s up old friend? I know it’s been a while since we really pressed flesh and I gotta tell you how sorry I am for that. I certainly didn’t mean to just fade to black on you. It’s just that sometimes thing are so one-sided with you.
In the beginning, it was cool because you know, you were so attentive to me! You hung onto my every word. I recall coming home from school and being physically tired but mentally stimulated by the spirit that lives on the campus of every institution of higher learning. Aw man I am sorry. I know that you can’t relate to being a college student, or a student of any kind. Seeing as how you’re just a blog. Anyway, back to me and you and it’s been too long since we communed. I been distracted by the outside world, and hopelessly trying to find a place in it. Sigh…Will I ever learn? Why can’t I just accept my weirdness as a positive thing. I am me, and who would I rather be? Um…No one…I thought for a second my eldest child, but immediately dismissed that idea when realizing being her would mean French kissing her husband! EW! Sorry! He’s my son! Yeah, I know his mother’s name was Denise and she bore him, and raised him until he was 11 years old. Some years later he married my daughter, and danced with me at their wedding and in that moment in time my heart adopted him as mine. He’s legally my son because he married my child. Spiritually he is my son because my heart loves him as a mother does her son. So no, there is no one else that I would rather be. I’m not trying to be braggadocious at all, because I am and will continue to be (as long as I have a sound mind) a work in progress! I have arrived in a place, I am calling it a season, where I love myself because I deserve it. It is a basic human need to belong to someone or something. As a child I was my parent’s daughter, my brother’s sister. I grew up and became a mother 4 times, and someone’s wife 3 times. I felt like a failure in each role, as I am moved through life. I let my momma down as a kid. I didn’t behave, listen (as much as I should have) or obey. I wished she would have whipped my ass a few more times. It would’ve saved me a few holes in my head. Smh. I didn’t learn the lesson of being a servant and holding that role in high regard (because it should be) instead I had to wait to become a mother myself, and reap the harvest of that lazy disposition in my 3 kids’ behavior for myself!
I remember calling my momma and apologizing profusely about my shameless and defiant behavior as a child! How dare I make messes and just expect you to clean it up! Now as a mother I was getting it times 3! Smh.
I been thinking about you, and how lost I was when I started blogging. It’s an online journal I imagined, but you became like a traffic sign for me. In writing and thinking out loud, so to speak, the signs would appear in the road ahead. Set cruise control Once I began to see the signs that encouraged me to stick to what I was doing. When I met D and he showed me who he was dead end ahead. That was a gold star for recognizing, acknowledging AND avoiding the red flags! I have learned through the 50 years I have now lived you may as well embrace the truth. Yeah sometimes it an be brutal, hurtful and downright in your face when you would rather embrace the cuter and cuddlier lie standing in front of you promising you the world. Smh. Nah Boo we done with that because dead ends mean new beginnings and that’s all good, and I want to get there (to each new beginning) filled with the hope and faith that blessed me up to now. So, I stopped blogging and started writing to a pen pal. The human interaction is wonderful, especially when the conversation moves between you like a tennis match between the William’s sisters! No fouls because he is a genuine human being that is just being himself and vibing with me. I didn’t have to call a time-out because I caught him in a lie, or he did something that made me wonder about his actions when he is not in my presence. We never had a ‘ball’ go out of bounds because he is soft spoken, and gentle with me. I never had to try and raise my voice above his when we had a disagreement because he wanted to hear what it was that I needed to resolve the issue, and when I owned my part in the misunderstanding he respected my accountability and began to speak of sudden ailments that he was beginning to have. While conversing back and forth one day he says he’s having trouble staying upright! I ask him if he is potentially needing to seek medical help after the next symptom kicked in! I don’t know what’s wrong with this seemingly healthy red-blooded American man of African Islamic descent but not only can’t he seem to stay upright on his feet he is now suffering from a chronic case of tachycardia anytime he’s near me, or is entertaining subtle intimate thoughts about me. About we and what could be. Now I am really starting to be concerned that possibly I am not a good thing for him anymore. Maybe he has developed some sort of allergic reaction to me, or maybe it’s my perfume cause today he complains of shortness of breath! Sigh. We were vibing so good. It seemed like he might be the one that could fit the crown of my head with the most precious jewels. The stones that he holds most dear to his soul. He tells me they call them pillars in his faith and they are a foundation to his way of life, or rather His way of life. Sadly no, I don’t think it’s gonna work out. Smh.

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