I been struggling with everything. Momma been doing this thing where she is sleeping the days away. Just last week she slept through 3 whole days and not even waking up to eat. SMH. It forced me to imagine a world without her and it scared me into a panic. I came home from visiting her and drank an entire bottle of wine! I started thinking over my life and how she never let me give up. She was always there to help me in any way that she could. I been in a deep depression since.
Today my daughter calls me to say why didn’t you show up to sub? I answer I didn’t know that I was supposed to! I didn’t wake up early like I normally do because I was so down that I just wanted to sleep. Damn it! Don’t throw pity parties. They cost too much! This one cost me $135 off the top and probably my last opportunity to sub this school year. I was mad at myself for sinking in so deep. I can see you shaking your head and saying that’s what you get for being silly!
Even if I was alone in the sadness I didn’t have to let it take me over! That was a good place for introspection. A good place to begin preparing to meet tomorrow and the possibility that brings.
I know that I will meet someone in the future and I know that I want them to meet the best of me. How can I present my best if I am sinking into a place where I am stagnant and discouraged?
It’s easy to get sad when I think about everything going on in the world right now.
At the top of the list my momma is 83 years old and has blood clots in both her legs. This leaves her bed bound cause they don’t want to clots to move around. My baby is not talking to me and therefore keeping me from seeing her children, my grandchildren. There’s a pandemic sweeping the globe and it’s as of today in my county with the announcement of a confirmed case here. Talking to my best friend and complaining about losing out on working today she (as only she can) boldly and bluntly tells me to get over it! You missed out! No subbing for you today! Oh well! “ If I were you I would take advantage of the free time and work out! It will help you with the happy hormones “ she says. My mind immediately goes to my Pilates circle and how it’s collecting dust. “I wanna find your pelvic floor!” The typed message flashes in my memory banks! “Yes!” I suddenly got the gumption to grab that Pilates circle and find my pelvic floor! I did it! I worked out and tomorrow I am going to do it again!
Serotonin is on its way!
Someone is going to be interested in my pelvic floor and I am going to prepare her to be nice and strong if only to make my clothes fit better! I gotta keep living. I gotta press on like tomorrow is coming since I don’t know when it won’t be.