Show me how it’s done

I write poetry to express the wave of emotions I feel when I am getting to know someone new, or going deeper into someone not so new. Often times I question my judgement. I wonder what it is that the other person really wants from me. It’s normal for me to think this way. History has taught me that someone using me, and later discarding me is a certainty. I imagine you will tighten the skin between your eyebrows once you’ve read the last statement. I notice the changes in your tone of voice and the different facial expressions you make when you speak. You’re a genuine person so I can hear pain in your voice when your feelings are hurt. I can feel and appreciate a discernible candor that makes you different. Yours is a beauty the world is so lacking. I have to pause for a second and think. Will you understand? I’m hoping this helps. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. Do you know what you are? Atypical. Rare. Uncommon. Precious. Godsend. Marrow in its purest form.

I tried to write a poem for him. About him. I couldn’t think of anything to say really. I mean he’s a good guy. He means me no harm. Nothing about him gives me romantic thoughts. I can’t even say that I enjoy talking to him. When we converse it feels like a mild debate. He doesn’t want to admit it but it is so. We want different things. We are in different places in our lives. We have nothing in common. Our lives aren’t even in the same place. There’s that scripture that speaks about being equally yoked. It is typically talked about regarding marriage but I see you and me having a relationship in which it applies. Divorced. Same age. My babies are grown. Yours too. We are worn from the caretaking of others for most of our adulthood and suddenly we see it on the horizon. 50 year mark. Does it feel like a whole new life is there? Just over the horizon? I hesitate to admit that I feel death just as sure as I know life is there too. I never liked it when I feel more heartache is coming. 

If I stop and meditate on the idea I realize that death is imminent and I knew all along. We should live our lives enjoying every day. We shouldn’t waste our life awaiting dark times. I have this stupid idea that I can somehow prepare for it. The reasonable side of me says, “Enjoy life while you can. Soon it will be over.” Sadness follows that thought and I internalize the pain. Choke it down with the rest. Put on a brave face and keep on living til you cannot live anymore.

Since I left my marriage I been practicing giving myself the love I desperately looked for in my past relationships. Now that I feel like I can love and like myself, and I am making an effort to do just that and here you come! I’m grateful for the winds of change that brought you this way. I see you showing me how it’s done!  Keep it up sis! Joy looks good on you! I’m so glad I get to share with you! Love you Anna

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