Went out for a few drinks with some friends. To a place called The Firehouse. It’s a restaurant with a bar, bowling alley and billiards. It’s such a big place the great room has at least 6 billiards tables.

The upstairs is dark tonight. Nothing seems to be going on up there, but the firehouse is an interesting place to walk through because each room has a theme. The billiards room has pop music coming from the speakers. Songs that I hear as I am walking through remind me of Harry Connick Jr or Michael Bublé. It’s dimly lit and the walls are covered with dark wallpaper. There’s a guy playing pool wearing a Kangol hat and a goatee. Everyone else just blends into the background as “Goatee” leans to cue the ball and pulls his pool stick back into the space behind him. My space right in front of me 😱The billiards vibe reminds me of that rebirth of slick song by Digable Plants. Everyone in here is cool like dat!

The bowling alley is another world entirely. I swear we just went back to 1984 with the bright pink and blue neon signs hung around the room! It’s The Cars grooving with their instrumentals as Rick bellows out something about shaking it up!

We spent our time in the bar where a live band was playing. The diminutive and portly band leader sings with a lovely voice. It’s a jazzy vibe in the atmosphere and not an empty seat in the room!! My friends and I have drinks and appetizers at the bar.

Suddenly the band begins to play the song “Outstanding” by The Gap band. We all get up and bounce our ways through the crowd to the dance floor 💃🏽 bobbing and weaving to the rhythm. It’s Rhythm and blues and fond memories of people, places and things we were up to when first we had heard this song. I used to be too shy to dance. Once upon a time in a land far, far away I was afraid of what others would think of me and my dance moves. It’s crazy right?! Like who is gonna tap me on the shoulder and say,”Nope that ain’t it! Sit your clumsy ass down!” 😂

This is a new day! After all the shit that I have survived, 2 failed marriages, the last one almost took me out! I must correct myself, the last marriage destroyed who I used to be. Vickie the dependable one that you can count on in a pinch! If you need me I will be there even if it hurts me 🤦🏽‍♀‍ I allowed too much nonsense in the name of marriage and God! My heart is broken and I have learned to live with it. I learned to use every tool at my disposal to glue the parts of my heart back together, but it is by no means whole.

Medicinal coping has been my favorite method of relief for the past six months 😞 when reality seems to be too much to deal with I beam myself up every chance I get! I know resolution is better than coping. I must get to the heart of everything that is going on in my life. I tell my friend that I am not ready to resolve. I’d just rather cope for now. Dealing with my feelings means more pain 🤦🏽‍♀‍ and I honestly don’t think I can take it.

My new friend is learning about me. She discovers a little of my history and expresses a cry of mercy for me. “I’m sorry friend she says” No one should have to suffer abuse, especially from the one whose supposed to be loving you. It happens though. More often than you know. I tried to love and care for someone who took my best and spat in my face. “But God hates divorce!” You cant leave cause that makes you a loser. Heaven is full of people who didn’t get divorced I guess!🤦🏽‍♀‍🤷🏽‍♀‍

If I had stayed with my husband I would have gotten to heaven a whole lot sooner than expected. I have no doubt!

I’m getting weary of the medicinal coping. It’s not healing me, it’s biding time. Why can’t I just face facts? My 82 year old mom is going through the last phase of her life. She’ll most likely live out the rest of her life there in that rehab. I hear people speak of grieving their momma and I cannot imagine cause mine is still here. What will I do without her? I imagine that I will become one of the many homeless people you barely notice on the street. So hurt and abandoned by the best life has to offer, instead we chased the only way up we could. Alcohol and drug abuse are the most common cause of homelessness.

The abuser is running from the pain in their life.

🎶Lord knows I need something to fill this void🎶

The family has to witness self destruction and it gets to be too hard to bare. I don’t want to self destruct but as of now I see no end in sight. Is there anyone anywhere to share a story of victory with me? I’m so jaded I don’t see any light just a long dark tunnel…😞

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s