We are back in the couch session with Salt and Doctor Feelgood! After a short sabbatical Doc has some fresh insights to offer Salt.
Salt: I have 2 questions.
Salt: The first question is about sadness
Doc: Is it the more important one? Of the 2 questions? Give me the best one first. Because if you give me the less important one first than your mind will be on the second one waiting.
Salt: Ok the other one. Sigh. The other one is about relationships.
Doc: I think this is the important one. Relationship, and then sadness. Huh? Smh I’m only joking.
Salt: It’s about when I am in a relationship, and I get close to someone. And then there comes trouble, and the person pushes me away. My automatic reaction is totally freak out!
Doc: I see. Why do they push you away?
Salt: Sigh. Because I get clingy.
Doc: Yes. You want to catch a man. In some ways take some of his freedom. It’s too much for another person. It’s nice only for a short while. Somebody who feels insecure in the beginning may like this feeling of being needed, but after a while it’s too much! You must not try to catch anybody. You’re not a spider!
Salt: I know that doc, but why do I do it?
Doc: Perhaps it’s a reaction that comes from something inside that feels maybe you are not worthy enough by yourself without another. You see? And so, it feels like you must hold onto someone.
Salt: Yeah but why do I do it? How do I stop it? I can’t stand the needy feeling! Ugh!
Doc: This is such good ground that you are on now! I’m not supposing that you can be automatically strong and not need anyone or anything, but instead of trying to hold on try considering that relationships also offer some opportunity to discover what is true about ourselves. Examine this pattern of behavior. Discover what is it within yourself that is so quick to compromise your freedom for someone you hardly know? You see?
Salt: Yes. I can see, but it doesn’t work’s still there.
Doc: Then it’s good that you come to counseling, because then you can begin to look at this tendency to cling. What is driving this? Is it loneliness, or maybe your fear of rejection?
Salt: I don’t understand what I keep doing wrong? I try everything that I can think of.
Doc: In relationships, trying doesn’t work. I hear patients all day saying, “I try so hard!” but it doesn’t work like that. Trying doesn’t work. There has to be a freedom. There has to be an inner strength. A clarity. A wisdom.
Salt: If you don’t try what do you do?
Doc: Don’t keep tabs! It doesn’t work when you know how much you give. You say, “I give so much!” But love is not payment. And how much you try. You try and you talk and you find it doesn’t work. You push people away!
Salt: I am totally confused.
Doc: When you are complete within yourself by yourself there is a freedom. Real love you know is too beautiful to try. Love must come, and it must be there as a freedom. The freedom is there for you both to enjoy being yourselves and enjoying each other. Being in sync.
When in sync you have an awareness and somehow intuitively you know when to allow space, and all neither of you feels the need to “catch” or “hold” another. I believe you must also make use of this insight. You have come now you see there’s something that feels, “I need to hold this thing.
Salt: How is a man gonna stay if I give him freedom doc? Men don’t do well with choices!
Doc: Sometimes you feel as soon as you realize the true freedom of being in love someone goes how can I keep it? How are you going to keep it? A relationship is not something to keep. It is to be enjoyed out of your fondness for each other. And when you are not codependent, from your strength and independence you find that everything becomes purer. Everything wants to be with you when you’re empty of intention. Too much intention creates tension. Lol you see? When you are empty of this need to cling, or of any kind of need. You don’t need to be approved of; you don’t even feel you need to be loved even. Can you imagine such a thing? Of being in a place where you don’t even need to be loved. It’s a very quiet place. And this place your love becomes very open, very broad, very beautiful, very strong.
For now, Salt I am not asking you to jump over this thing. I’m saying look at what it is that (makes a sound like panicky) feels anything good I must grab it! Just look at that and who is doing this? Who needs this thing? Be very very quiet with this kind of question. In fact, I’m going to ask you to do this exercise maybe tell me again tomorrow what happened? Just look and feel this. Recreate the scenario in your mind and see what comes you and feels (same panicky sound) If you’re going to be abandoned, or left. And take a look. What are you afraid of? Push it to the extreme in your image. See what will be the worst in the worst case what is going to happen? How it’s going to feel and see who suffers it? Who really is suffering it, but don’t forget that you are also observing.
Salt: Ok doc I think I got it, but tell me the top points?
Doc: Look at the things you imagine is going to happen if your fear comes true? That you’re going to be rejected? You cannot keep what you want to keep and you feel pain? Already a look in your eye I see its (panicky sound) something is going to leave. Then you go and see what happens if so, you are left now and abandoned and they don’t want you and feel what comes up. But also, be very present in the place where you are looking and be at the same time with the feeling. See what happens. What are you afraid of? This is very intelligent work looking at it. And then somehow you feel maybe the worst feelings that you imagine is going to happen and then see actually who really is suffering it? Don’t fall inside the story though just look be very present as you are looking at this, but at the same time give it your best shot at really trying to see. Then you will come to see what is functioning in your name, and find out is it really you or is it some kind of image that is a projection of your mind? Take some time and meditate and some space will come. And that space will be something very important that you needed to recover. Do not be afraid of this experience. Invite it even. Next time invite this experience. But look at it with your eyes only. Don’t interfere. Don’t judge. Don’t interpret. See if you can do it. It’s a skill you will quickly develop because the fruits of your looking are so sweet. It will be sweeter than any relationship to discover your freedom. I look forward to your feedback.