Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. A general statement to say the least. It’s been said that love is a verb, an action word. It’s not what you feel but what you do about it that matters. I believe in demonstrations of love. A show of empathy for someone struggling is love. An offer of help to another in need is love. Stepping up to defend someone who cannot do it for themselves that is love.
We all have our concept of love. The ideas that some have of what love means I don’t quite understand, and others have love that I only dream of having.
It’s been some time now since I left my marriage and I remember thinking that was love. I now know that what he called love was distorted and damaging for me. His love came with demands and jealousy. He believed that it was ok to follow me once I left the house because he didn’t trust that I would go where I said I was going. I never lied about where I was going, but he followed me anyway. He went through my phone when I would leave it unattended. I can only guess what he believe he would find, but he never found anything to be upset about. I never cheated on him, but he behaved as I had repeatedly. He allowed his family to be abusive to us while I instructed my family to treat people the same way they themselves wanted to be treated. His “love” destroyed my family and nearly destroyed me.
Here I am going on 4 years later and now beginning to feel better about life. I cannot say I feel like I used to because the experience murdered who I used to be. The evolution that took place inside me seems to have altered my DNA. I’m not hardened and I still believe in love. I refuse to let him have that win. There is real love out there. I’m not sure if I will find it in someone else for me. I do know that I will give it to everyone I come across. My love for humanity is intact and I will protect it by any means necessary. Every man is not like my ex and I am not who he believed I was. A sneaky cheating wife who lies about where she’s going and hides secrets in her phone.
With all the stuff that he did I still tried to justify it because of what I thought he did right. Now I know that just because you get somethings right it doesn’t equalize your wrong. He didn’t cheat (that I know of) or hit me with his fists but he crucified my character in his imagination. I can no longer justify his wrongs by weighing them against his rights. Being suspicious without cause is a problem. That type of insecurity is his personal issue and not my fault.
Fast forward to today and I am led to pray for another man whose heart seems to mirror my own. Broken by another who couldn’t see beyond their own insecurities to love him correctly. I see the pain and I am led to pray for him.
In the name of love I petition the universe to send a healing spirit to your home. I command that spirit to envelope the atmosphere inside your home. You shall breathe into your lungs a renewed energy for life. This new energy will invade every cell, tissue, organ and system within you and regenerate you. You will forget the pain before it completely leaves you. You will inhale agape love and exhale all the residue from the past. You will be made whole and able to embrace a beautiful life with a woman who has been waiting for you and will pray for you the rest of your days. Together your faith in love will be restored and elevated. No longer will you need to self medicate to cope with your pain for it will be gone. I know that you love me and I love you back. It’s just the way we are! We don’t wait for someone to earn our love. We give it freely and because of this we have been hurt in the past.
This time it won’t be that way because we love and operate in the same manner. I’m grateful for the hope that you give me just caring enough not to judge my paranoia and hold it against me. I’m working on recognizing the triggers that abuse created and you give me hope to overcome.