My life

I got my first reading last night! At 49 years old I am moving past the fear of the unknown and trying new things. Well, new to me anyway. Tarot cards have been around forever and I never considered having a reading done because “Christians” don’t consult spirit guides (it is considered witchcraft). I wasn’t looking for anything but to get to know my new friend better.

Angel is her handle on Instagram. We were introduced by a mutual friend named Darkchild. We, Dark and I aren’t especially familiar with each other either, but he and Angel were wanting to start a meme group, and I would become the third member. As I am getting to know these two individuals I am feeling like I am in the middle of a divorced couple still dealing with hostile feelings toward each other. I’m not sure what to do when one starts to talk about the other. I’m realizing that being in the middle is uncomfortable!

I’m looking for a distraction from the boredom in my life, and being short on money and relationships IG is a good fit. It’s a good fit for boredom but it seems to add to my loneliness. That is a problem that I need to deal with in another way.

I been thinking a lot about my codependency and I wonder if I am emotionally broken? My next thought is that everyone wants to love someone and be loved in return! Right?

So, why are there so many of us who suffer without it? I’m not talking about the love of family. No I have a family who loves me dearly. I’m speaking of romantic love. I been married 3 times and only one of them was the real deal.

My first husband was the one that you hear about when people romanticize the idea of a perfect partner. I’m not saying that he was perfect! He was far from that but the relationship was genuine. We only had 3 years together before he died in a bad car accident, and in that time we had 2 babies together. They both bear his name because I adored him. I think it’s crazy how the best relationship I had was the shortest! It makes me ponder the idea that maybe that’s why it was so close to perfect, because we didn’t have enough time to get tired of each other! I will never know the answer to that because he’s no longer here. All I have of him is the family that we built together and it has grown since he died in 1995 from two kids to include four grandchildren. Our son who bears his fathers name is 24 years old. He is of a caramel colored complexion, and stands tall at 6 foot 3 inches. My husband favored a dark chocolate and was 6 feet tall so they are different in that way, but my sons face is the spitting image of his dad! Jr. has a sweet spirit which he didn’t get from Sr! I believe he’s a great combination of the both of his parents in looks and character.

Trying to figure out this single life after being married the majority of my adulthood is hard sometimes. I get emotional and my son gets to witness the fallout. Like I said he is sweet but he hates to see me cry.

One afternoon, A little while back I was laying in my bed with my beats on and I began to reminisce about Mo Sr. In the same year before he passed he had come home and said, “Baby I heard a new song today by your girl! You gotta hear it!” My girl was Mary J. Blige and the song is called ‘My life’.

As the song played in my ears my mind was taken back to 1995 and beyond to the day that we met. I recalled things that we did together. Trips that we took, the plans that we made, the time that we house sat for a couple who were friends of ours. They had a waterbed that Mo and I had to try out! The memory of us making love in the waterbed sent me over the edge and I cried for him. It had been some time since I mourned the loss my late husband. I’m realizing the pain of losing a loved one doesn’t go away we merely learn to live with it.

The songs lyrics ministered to me and I imagined it was Mo Sr.’s spirit reaching out from the spiritual realm loving me and comforting my spirit. I was grateful for that image and as I listened to Mary sing I hung onto every word as if it was him talking to me. I am including the lyrics so you can understand what I mean.

My life

If you looked in my life

And see what I’ve seen…

Life can be only what you make it

When you’re feelin down

You should never fake it

Say what’s on your mind

And you’ll find in time

That all the negative energy

It would all cease

And you’ll be at peace with yourself

You won’t really need no one else

Except for the man up above

Because He’ll give you love

If you looked in my life

And see what I’ve seen…

Take your time

Baby don’t you rush a thing

Don’t you know, I know

We all are struggling

I know it is hard

But we will get by

And if you don’t believe in me

Just believe in “He”

Cause He’ll give you peace of mind

Yes He will

And you’ll see the sunshine

For real, yes you would

And you’ll get to free your mind

And things will turn out fine

Oh, I know that things will turn out fine

Yes they would, yes they would

If you looked in my life

And see what I’ve seen…

All you gotta do is take your time,

One day at a time

It’s all on you

what you gonna do?

Oh you will see I’m so down and out

Cryin’ every day

Don’t know what to do or to say

I may have a date with someone tonight. I decided to go ahead and get out there although it doesn’t seem to be constructive. I mean I don’t know if I have a future with this guy, but I know that for certain I don’t if I don’t spend any time with him. I like him and we went to school together so he’s not a total stranger. We had a couple of encounters before that didn’t go smoothly and I been thinking about sharing the experience. I hesitate to share cause I don’t know if he will ever read my blog and I don’t want to say anything hurtful. I mean the truth is like that sometimes. It was our first time hanging out so it was awkward and some embarrassing stuff happened! It definitely would make for an entertaining post! We will see! Bye for now!😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s