Dance with the devil

Ever since June 15, 2019 I been feeling like a hamster on a wheel. I’m 100 miles and running! Getting no where fast! We lost my granddaughter, but my daughter survived. She’s home recovering and doing well, but I cannot step off the edge of my life where I found myself when she was on a breathing machine!

Can anyone tell me how to get off this wheel? I just know the longer I stay the more damage I will sustain. My daughter says “I’m ok mom. It’s over.” I say, “Tell that to my heart! It’s still stuck in June 15th!”

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Up until today I couldn’t bring myself to relive any part of the past year. I know enough to know that I gotta get this done. I must search for the problem and process it all.

I figured I could start at the beginning of the downhill spiral. That day is apparently July 7, 2018. I have the journal entry to prove it.

At the beginning of this interaction I was just a few months past my departure from the worst relationship of my life! My third marriage was to a man I met when I was 16. We dated for 3 months and I broke up with him. I couldn’t put my finger on it but somehow I didn’t want him. On the surface he was perfect. Not a gang banger, he had a job and a car. He didn’t drink or smoke or cuss. My mom loved him but I didn’t. That was in 1986. In 2006 I married him in desperate attempts to save my house.

In 2017 after I had lost everything. My house, my car, my savings, the relationship I had with my daughter was all lost and I left feeling like my sanity was next!

Fast forward from February 2017 when I left my husband to July 7, 2018 when (we will call him Lou) came into my life again. I say again because this wasn’t the first time I had run into him. Lou was a prisoner residing in the same prison as my then husband, and they were friends. I use that term loosely cause Lou looked out for Lou only. My then husband would find that out the hard way.

My “relationship” with Lou, again I am using the term loosely cause it was more of an enchantment than a relationship, was short-lived (13 days) but it taught me a lot. I have messages, pictures and journal entries mapping out the whole thing.

People like Lou have tools they use to get what they want.

When I started researching narcissism I realized that many of the things that Lou did made him fit the description! I will dive more fully into Lou next time. It was a crazy roller coaster ride!πŸ˜±πŸ’―

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