Diary of a damaged soul

You may find it strange, but I can gather my thoughts and express myself much easier alone. I guess it’s because I don’t have to think of how to respond to another. My hang ups about being misunderstood don’t enter in because it’s just me communicating and I am free to reveal myself without anything holding me back. I would like to start at the beginning. I am not sure if I found you first or you found me but I remember relating to you in a real way. I could understand the message you were putting out into the universe. Following you, I became intrigued and somewhere along the way I learned the feeling was mutual. Nice! It’s always a pleasure to meet someone of a familiar spirit.

Honestly, it’s all a blur how we got from there to here and I don’t know exactly where here is!?😱 I get to a particular point in getting to know someone where I become somewhat manic-depressive. What I mean by that is I either push ahead full force or I pull way back! With you it was the latter. I’m still working on determining what the thought process is behind it. Looking back over the last year it seems that I push ahead with those who are familiar in a bad way. I know that you are well read in scripture so I can speak with that knowledge and you will understand. Familiar spirits are what draw me in and unfortunately the spirits that I am familiar with mean me no good. Familiarity is comfortable at least superficially. The healer in me attracts broken people and my appearance attracts people to me who see someone easy on the eyes. No one of any real substance can get anywhere near me because I don’t want to ruin anyone the way that I have suffered. It’s true only The Divine can heal me. I’m not sure when and if that will ever happen. That’s up to me and I know that but I am not sure how to make that happen.

You say that you want to be my friend and even that will be a challenge because I don’t trust men. I’ve heard it all before and I analyze every single thing that you do and what you don’t do. You tell me that you want to understand me but I wonder how true that is. I wonder if you can. I am beginning to feel like I can open up and then you take too much time to respond and I lump you into the pile of others who tried to win my trust but were out to get me!

I admire your wisdom, especially the wisdom of God that you have. You say to pray about you. I don’t feel the need to because I’m comfortable talking to you. I see that as peace that God gave me. In the past when I have conversed with someone I get a strong feeling of anxiety and how they respond to that is telling. The way that you responded gave me peace. I don’t want you to be discouraged about getting to know me. Patience is key cause I am bracing myself for disappointment. It’s what I am used to. If you are different and I believe that you may be, you will get past the guards I put up but that will take time and I pray that you understand that. I never enter into a situation with an ill agenda in mind. I plan to meet you one day. I need to feel your energy. That tells me a lot about someone that I cannot feel from a distance. I believe that you are genuine and that is unfamiliar and scary so understand that is tough for my twisted mind! 😱 I hope that you will continue to strive to understand me that would be an answer to my prayer.

Tu me manques

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