Sunday mourning

Last week was a walk through hell and back! My daughter lost her baby and nearly died. She ended up in ICU for 3-4 days. I honestly cannot remember exactly how much. The whole experience felt like a horrible nightmare and I still have not recovered. It made me feel so alone. I wasn’t alone because my son in law was there and people were constantly calling texting and coming to the hospital to see about her. Even my estranged daughter who hadn’t talked to her sister in almost two years showed her face. It’s really taken a toll on me because Boo ( my nickname for my daughter) who’s now in recovery from preeclampsia and losing her baby is my greatest ally. She is a positive and sweet woman who is always looking to help others, especially me.

She believes in me and tells me all the time that she knows that I am able to do whatever I want. It’s because of her and my son that I continue to fight everyday to keep my head up no matter what life throws at me.

Boo said to me, while still laying in her hospital bed, ” I knew that I had to fight for my life because I am one of the few people in your life that motivates you to keep fighting!” I deal with chronic clinical depression and it’s a fight for me everyday to just keep living. I have scars on my arms from slicing them open with a razor blade. I’ve taken bottles of pills and gone to ER to get help. I can’t explain it except to say that the sadness gets so bad that I lose all hope for relief. Boo is such an old soul. At 30 years old it’s astounding the wisdom of that girl. I’ve said throughout her life that she’s been here before. Meaning someone so young cannot be so wise and not have lived a few lives prior to this one.

My granddaughter is gone and I haven’t begun to mourn for her because I am still braced for losing my daughter! On top of holding my breath until they say that she’s alright I have to be strong for her and be there when she calls at 6 am crying for her baby girl.

In the hardest part of this ordeal while her entire body was swollen and she resembled a blowfish with even her eyes bulging from edema I prayed for God to heal her. I hadn’t been praying for a long time. I was questioning the existence of God. I was so “church hurt” that I was thinking prayer is just hopes and wishes spoken out loud. No one was listening and no one could help. In the midst of it all when I feared I might lose my child I prayed. I found that prayer gave me peace. I am a firm believer that prayer isn’t about a wishlist for a big man in the sky to answer but a way to center and calm myself as much as possible. It did just that, and Boo is recovering at home. Still having high blood pressure but at least no longer on a breathing machine. I hope that I can one day have my family be whole again but that is up to my younger daughter when and if she decides to forgive me. I don’t know why things had to happen the way they did and I don’t know what the future holds.

My prayer is that my kids live long relatively happy lives and they bury me and not the other way around. I pray that we all learn to love each other and be mindful of the way that our actions affect one another. I don’t ever want anyone to feel the rejection that I feel from my own child. It’s a hurtful thing and I suffer everyday with it. I am grateful that I still have Boo and I am hopeful to one day see the 4 grandkids that I have. If anyone who reads this is a prayerful person I ask you to please pray for reconciliation and restoration of my family. I already lost my husband and elder son to a car accident and now my granddaughter too. My surviving children and grandchildren I want to hold a little closer and tighter. Thanks.

Signed Mourning for now but joy comes in the morning


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