I hope this letter finds you well. I been struggling with this for a minute because I am not sure that you want to hear from me at all.
In all the struggling I was doing a whole bunch of things trying to distract myself from my true condition. Honestly, I didn’t know exactly how bad my condition was.
I don’t know why I feel the need to write this letter and now that I have said that I am not sure that you will ever read it.
With that in mind I wanna just see if I can release this knot in my chest.
In the beginning I didn’t see you being a friend. No that’s not exactly true. I never saw you as a friend because you never offered me friendship. I made it into what suited me, or at least what I believed suited me. I have a tendency to do that. Create out of my wild imagination a whole world in which everyone is suitable for me in the manner of which I see fit. You never let me believe that in regards to you and I knew it.
The truth doesn’t change because you ignore it! It just stands there bold as day! Arms folded across it’s bulging pectorals with a bright cape billowing in the wind behind it looking like fuccin Superman! While the truth is always a wonderful place, it isn’t always a pleasure to deal with. Like they say “The truth hurts!” It hurts when you want believe in a fantasy. It hurts when you don’t wanna accept it. It hurts when it isn’t what you wanted. My truth is that I am broken and not by a man. I haven’t been able to allow myself that luxury for a very long time.
I have a love much deeper than that and I cannot see past the rejection of my own child, let alone a man. Instead I choose to feed off the energy of the attraction a man expresses for me. I have been using the attraction and energy like a balm to soothe the ache in my broken heart. The problem with this energy exchange is it really only serves me very little relief and until now I hadn’t realized that.
Another problem is that I keep losing hosts. Like anyone who found blood sucking leeches stuck to their body I am immediately violently cast off once the exchange becomes too cumbersome. So, now that I have made this discovery and had this revelation what do I do with it?
I think about that one host that I deeply regret latching onto. No regrets about choosing you because your energy is seriously indescribable! My regret is that I cannot have you as a real friend. I respect your choice and I understand. You should know that you helped me in my journey of discovery. You also continue to inspire me. When I think about the little I know of you I can hear you say that I can channel my talent in a different way. I can create a fantasy with my words. The story that I dream of is only waiting for me to birth it with my Microsoft word program. I wish that you still felt comfortable, or even wanted to encourage me. I appreciated that about you, but even that was only a means to and end.
I am not in the shu but I do feel very alone, and as if I am an uninvited visitor in everyone’s life. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I don’t intend to bother you anymore and I wish you the best.