Hope for love


I woke up this morning with nothing really on my mind except D. I didn’t expect to hear from him again after he dismissed me earlier this year. He called me yesterday. I am not quite sure when we stopped communicating, because in order to remove myself from him I had to remove the What’s App from my phone. When I am getting to know somebody that I am attracted to I study them. What I mean to say is that I go over conversations that we have had, and examine the words and thoughts exchanged. I learned to do this, because I sometimes miss things, and that can lead to confusion. I also do this because the good vibrations resurface when I go over the conversations. I spend most of my time in my little bubble, and the exchange of thoughts and ideas encourages me. Makes me feel warmth inside what is normally a lukewarm soul.

I went to work today and my coworker was not his normal self. Normally he just sleeps in the chair and leaves preparing breakfast to me, but today he got right to it! Normally he is flirtatious and harasses me, but today he was evasive and stand-offish. He normally asks me for a ride to the store where he catches a bus home, but today he left without a word.

The thought crossed my mind that maybe another coworker mentioned to him that I said that he doesn’t do much when I am there, and he took it to mean I was attempting to get him in trouble. Here I am thinking just a week ago he was feeling me up trying to get me to screw him, and now this. Precisely the reason that I keep my distance from people.

I watched a video that I had downloaded on YouTube entitled, “Emotional intelligence”. I was hoping to gain some insight into my problem. It is tough to call it a problem, because I don’t see anything wrong really. My “problem” is that I love people freely. I don’t try to wait to see if they are worthy. I meet you, and I begin to invest emotionally. As I become familiar with you, your hopes and dreams, I invest in them as well. I wish for you the best and try and help in any way that I can to help you move closer to the realization of said dream.

That is a generalization of my process, but with men that I am attracted to I go even further. I fall hopelessly in love with the idea of being in love. I know exactly what I am doing while I am doing it, and I know that it is most likely not mutual. I throw caution to the wind and do it anyway! Isn’t love what we all want?

As I examined myself and my process after my coworker hurt my feelings with his evasiveness, I was grateful again that I didn’t let him in. His actions would have hurt me even more if that were the case.

D wants me to come and see him. Believe me, I would like nothing better than to rest my eyes on the beautiful energy that radiates about him. My lips crave the touch of his, and to sit and talk with him would move me out of this funk that I have been in since we parted ways. I am still connected to him. In a way that probably is not healthy for me. So, I am struggling with my decision to grant him a visit, or to keep away and continue trying to work him out of my system. I don’t know what the right thing is to do. What I do know is that if this visit would be my last interaction with a man whom I love, and I live another 48 years alone, I will regret not going. Tomorrow is not promised.

My infatuation with him moves me to question my own emotional intelligence. I am fairly intelligent, and educated, but when it comes to matters of the heart I am like a kid in an amusement park. Love is the sensation of riding the rollercoaster, and men are the rides! Some rollercoasters are fast, and that love whisks you down a rabbit hole from reality into a place like wonderland.  Call me Alice and watch me jump knowing full well that the Jabbawockee waits to kill me. Just like Alice, I get sucked in to the story and want to be the hero and save the day for my love.

Other rollercoasters are faster still, and reach new heights in the sky so, the fall sends my heart into my throat! I hold my breath because of the rush, and close my eyes so I don’t see the grounds (rock bottom) fast approach. That’s the kind of love that taught me about being wounded to the point of numbness. It takes real-time, and effort to climb out of the rock bottom. It makes me feel some kind of way you know? Am I stupid to keep trying to be open to love, and in the meantime continuing to give it freely? How do you determine if someone is worthy? How do they know that I am worthy? It makes me think about the world and how all these people keep doing desperate things to hurt other people they don’t even know. There is a nasty deficit of love in this world. Too many people are hurting, and no one seems to care enough to notice.

I listened to the news this morning. They told a sad story about a man dying in a motorcycle accident, and immediately  after that story I see the headline:

“Two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand, faced a terror attack after gunman Brenton Tarrant left 50 people dead in mass shooting on Friday, March 15.”  NBC news

I ask myself why did this man arrive at the point where he believed he had to do this? Why a religious place? Religion can be used for many things. For me, when I was religious, I looked to God for hope. I could hope for His eternal love and acceptance, because I am hard pressed to find it anywhere else. Those people I am sure held that kind of hope as well. What did Brenton hope for? Why did he do what he did? Was he in so much lack in love that he could only feel hate? The next thing I see is;

Facebook says that it removed 1.5 million videos of the New Zealand mass shooting-The Verge

Why are people so enchanted by horrific acts? This video is not something that I care to see. Foolish Gambino shooting up the church in the “This is America” music video was disturbing to me! I don’t understand the world that we live in today. I know that all I want is love and acceptance, but I fear that I will only be offered it from a select few of my family members. Don’t misunderstand me for the love of my family members I am so grateful, but I long for the love story that Noah and Allie had. To have a man love me to the point of accepting my forgetting him, and still not leaving my side. It hurts at times so much that I feel like giving up, but I entertain the thought, and that idea hurts all the more, so I refuse to do so. My hope for love will have to suffice. I will keep loving freely, and maybe one day reciprocity will meet me in the middle of it all. I must hope for love in this cold world, because as I see it there are enough people who lack and too many victims of hate.

CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand—The sharp cracks of gunfire were so confusing that at first the imam continued his sermon on forgiveness and brotherhood. Wall Street Journal

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