Hey there! I hope this letter finds you well and in good spirits. It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control!
Momma went to the hospital on Wednesday. She had been struggling to get out of the bed for at least 3 days prior, and was complaining of generalized joint stiffness and pain. That Wednesday afternoon I left to go to school worrying about her condition. I informed my English Professor that I needed to be able to answer my phone. Sure enough with 15 minutes left of class my phone rang. It was my son informing me that my mom was vomiting a black substance that had a foul odor. “I don’t know what this is but it doesn’t look like throwup” he says! So I left school and came home to find her laying on the side of the bed with her legs hanging off (she hasn’t had the strength to get all the way in the bed). I could see staining from the vomit on her clothes and the bed. “Momma what do you want to do?” Momma replies,”I wanna go to the hospital so I can feel better.” So, my son and I help her get dressed and into the car. We take her to the emergency room.
In the ER the lobby/waiting room is nearly full. There are many patients waiting to be seen and, 3 patients sitting in wheelchairs. Momma is so weak that another patient asks if he can help with her. He’s convinced that she’s going to topple over out of her walker. She’s sitting on the little bench seat doubled over. My son is sitting right next to her and I know that he wouldn’t let her fall onto the floor.
We finally get to the back and they put her on a gurney. After all the poking her full of holes to try and put in an IV they ask me to remove her socks and pants so they can put in a catheter. Mommas right heel is black from the diabetic ulcer that is refusing to heal. She reeks of urine because she is incontinent, and all I can do is feel bad. It’s my fault that she smells pissy. I should be bathing her more. I’m the cause of the diabetic ulcer on her foot. I mean I should make her get out of bed when she is too weak to stand!
I try and rationalize it but all I can do is assign blame. I must not be trying hard enough! I should be able to do this right? I don’t know how. It’s hard to lift her when she is weak. As a matter of fact, if she doesn’t help I cannot lift her. She is too heavy for me.
Today as I sat in her hospital room and listened to the pulmonary doctor tell her that she might get discharged I panicked! I thought she can’t walk! How do I take care of her?
I walk outside and talk to her nurse. I tell her all that I told you. She says not to worry. More than likely doctor will want her to go to a skilled nursing facility.
Skilled nurse is what I am working to become but I am not there yet. That is where she belongs. Bed sores on her feet and bottom says to me that I can no longer effectively care for her.
Momma is not going to be happy! I am not going to be able to tell her that she needs more care than I can give her. I feel like such a failure 😞 What am I supposed to do? Do I agree that she should come home although I am overwhelmed? Should she go to skilled nursing at least, until the wound on her heel and bottom is healed? I’m thinking the second choice is the best but momma won’t like it.
I’m so discouraged right now.