I struggle between letting my innermost thoughts and feelings be known for fear of misunderstanding. At least, that’s my normal routine. I don’t feel like I need to guard them so closely with you. Honestly, I don’t want to guard them from you. I called you family and that is what you were all along. Not being too familiar with each other until recently we didn’t get to feel like that but now I do. I am grateful for you too. Especially right now because I am in a vulnerable state of healing and heartbreak. I got a few vultures circling around me. I know they are opportunistic and see me struggling and seemingly alone. They are pretending to have a genuine desire to be a friend, but I know better. I don’t mean to sound bad but it seems all anyone wants is to take from me. I’m over giving away pieces of myself hoping someone catches feelings and decides to do something different. I said all that to say that I remember what you said about being a friend and a comfort to me in a way that no one else could. I don’t see any hidden agendas between us. I know that you have an agenda. I would describe it to be an exploration into all of who and what I am in every aspect and tangible way possible. Possibly, if you can imagine even more than that! I feel like we’re in sync and everything is fine.
Doing all this writing is akin to having someone coming into the darkest room of my spirit and throwing open the shades! What I am really enjoying is that someone is me! Typing that and knowing that you are the one reading it strikes me there is no need to explain! You know exactly what I mean. There’s been plenty of times when I have had folks smile and nod pretending to follow what I was saying and along the way I saw they were clueless about me.
An enigma you said. What makes me baffling? It certainly seems to be like that. Then again, I haven’t said a lot in the past to people.
I’m working hard at typing this letter in a way that appeals to your imagination. I think about you holding the unfolded pages in your hand. You, hearing my voice speaking, the pitch rising and falling at the same time that your eyes dance with the rhythm of the words across the page. I’m laughing a little to myself cause with all my studying while I am deliberately putting words together in a way to move you the picture flashes in my mind of electrical impulses shooting from the back of your eyes and along your optic nerve (the second cranial nerve connected to your spinal cord) into the space of your nervous system!! Lol! Nerdy girl 🤓
Anyway, I was attempting to make a confession! I feel like I know you and yet, we don’t have any shared physical experiences. I recognize that energy that seems to rise up in my chest when I interact with you. I recall having the surges at other times before I knew you. Somehow it’s different this time. The idea of me being wrong about my interpretation enters in, but I am beyond the point of no return and I don’t care. You excite me and I don’t want to ignore it. I want to take that energy and harness it. I can and do use it to express myself online. I use it to write my blog. I use it to write poetry. I use it to study human physiology. I use it to create playlists when I’m noticing the lyric to a song I like suddenly has a new meaning. I use it to keep from crying when I think about losing my mom. I use it to keep me company when I’m feeling lonesome. I use it to keep from seeking out comfort in another’s arms. I use it to touch myself in the middle of the night when I’m tired and restless. Did I just make my confession? 🤔 This is as good a place to stop! TTYL