I hated this picture! For the longest time this picture of me, and a few of my cousins was hard to see . I love each person in this photo, as well as their siblings, parents and children. No hostility towards any of them. It was me that I suffered to witness. I know the pain that I was underneath at that time. You can see by the second chin around my neck that I was using food for more than sustenance.
I was so heartbroken then. I was on the verge of losing everything that I went to Portland to accomplish for myself, and my children. The storm a category 4 Katrina did come and destroy it all. It caused collateral damage to some of us to the point that it is perhaps, easier to just stay away from the memories, and the people linked to them.
So I’m not ready to detail the Katrina storm of my life, but I know the day is coming. That will be an unveiling of a great and terrible gift to offer on the altar of my hard earned wisdom.
Back to today, and my sweet and beautiful cousin Michelle. This morning my daddy’s sister’s daughter gave me the most incredible gift. Her offering had the aroma of a sweet fully bloomed dozen of roses, and was equally aesthetically pleasing to my eyes. Her endowment was heart warming to the touch. My spirit breathed in the life that she spoke into the atmosphere around her. I told her of the enigmatic aura I see that surrounds her. She wore it like a robe. I could only label it as calmness. Now I understand. I see now the benevolence that you carry. It is agape love.
It is not until you begin to listen to yourself, and listen to that voice inside that begs to be heard, that you learn about true love. It begins within. I am learning to love and accept myself. In my healing process I offer up cries of relief as I dress my wounds in front of the world. I am beginning to notice why it needed to be done this way. I am humbled by the idea that my blog might help someone else. I am writing to find love for myself. I tried finding it in others, especially men only to find that reciprocity is the only way. I must be able to give it, and only then will I receive it. So I am forgiving myself for not knowing any better then, and searching inside for the love I have wanted for so long. It is a process that I want to hurry through, but can’t get it to go any faster! When it feels good, it is like a balm soothing my wounded soul. When it hurts, and that is most of the time it seems, even the pain somehow relieves me. It feels like healing and growth. Beyond the pain I will have a stronger muscle to work!
A friend of mine called me brave for putting my thoughts in written word and offering it up for public consumption. I say to her it is terrifying! The best way that I can describe it is if I don’t release it I will explode.
No one right around me needs any updates. They are witnesses to the struggle that is life for me. Whilst doing that, they struggle on their own with their own day to day. I don’t mean any harm to anyone that I might speak on, and that is why I am careful and diligent in the words that I choose. I know that truth is very often a bitter substance, but it is the kind of medicine that births life and love so it’s worth the momentary discomfort. I am glad to hear from another who offers me the recognition of a familiar plight. Thank you cuz for saying that I make you feel normal. It was a wonderful affirmation for me.
To be in company with you is indeed a comforting thought.
The fam bam!