My secret

Lately I been working on doing things differently. I’m not sure what the right way is just yet. I haven’t had the opportunity to see if my new method is effective. What I know is the old way wasn’t working for me because I am still alone and misunderstood.

It shouldn’t be so hard to meet and connect with someone. We all have the same basic needs. We all have many things in common and similar experiences living and growing up. Differences come into play with how we are raised. If we are nurtured or neglected. Did we have both parents in our home? Did our parents leave us feeling loved or left to fend for ourselves? So many factors can play a role in who we eventually become. Losing my father suddenly at 14 years old I thought may have given me ‘daddy issues’ but now I don’t think so. I looked up the meaning and it is; psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with ones father, often manifesting in a distrust of, or a sexual desire for men who act as father figures. That’s not me. I trusted my dad. He was always there for me. Some of the men in my life so far have not been. Honestly, it hasn’t always been their fault. I can be a real handful!

This last relationship that I had was a real tragedy. I’m working on figuring out what happened to me and him. Also I don’t want to miss the chance to learn and grow.

I have a new internet friend and it’s crazy because we met in person about 20 years ago! I admit that I don’t recall meeting him but I am sure that we did. It’s funny how things happen sometimes. In the beginning of our new friendship I didn’t see it going anywhere. I didn’t even see it going past having a couple of conversations. It’s going on some months now I believe and countless conversations. It’s a great experience for me because I am really enjoying getting to know him. He’s very smart and interesting. He doesn’t respond to me the way I expect and he is fluent in reading between the lines.

I haven’t ever been face to face with him that I can remember, but I see him everyday online. I get excited to see his avatar but I keep my composure and I don’t reach out much. I’m noticing a pattern in my behavior of plugging someone in when I’m lonely and don’t have someone special in my life. I don’t want to do that anymore. I especially don’t want to do that with him. I want to know what it is that I am going through is really about. I don’t want to keep up the vicious cycle of feeling lonely and filling that void with whom ever is close enough. Only to get to the point where they have to go because they were never meant for me anyway.

I will welcome the emptiness and embrace the true loneliness of adulthood. I know that my friend has a role to play in my life and so far he’s doing a fabulous job of teaching me how to stand on my own. Without trying very hard he is helping me to learn how to control the impulses that drive me. Right now these impulses are focused on him. I fear it’s not really him but my codependency that’s got me in this place. Knowing what I know of him and imagining the possibilities of what could be I want to be better than that. I will focus my energies on rising up to the level of where I want to be to meet him in that place of real adulthood. I agree with him when he said between us almost anything is possible!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s