I was feeling pretty good the day that I took my mirror selfie. I looked in the mirror and caught my reflection on my way out of the restroom and thought “Not bad for a granny!”
I am really tough on myself. I don’t mean to be but I have been in the past the main source of my own pain. I took self loathing to a dangerous point a couple times in the past. I am learning to give myself a little grace while working on improving my life. I’m reading a book, ‘The Power of Habit’. It’s giving me things to think about. For instance, why I keep doing the things I do, especially with men. Once I started reading this book I started recognizing my habits regarding relationships. I have heard it a lot lately that we as humans are relational beings. It’s how we’re built. In the most basic and physical sense we fit together. It’s perfectly natural to want to have a special person with whom you can fit together.
The problem with that is that it is nearly impossible to find a good fit. This cold world we live in has damaged so many of us just looking for someone to hold on to. I think it’s largely due to the fact that most people are driven to acquire fame and fortune.
More than money I want to make a positive difference everyday. In the lives of my children and their children. I want to share my wealth of knowledge and experience with anyone who may benefit. Life hasn’t ever truly been easy for me. I have had to fight for everything that I have. My dad told me early on that would be the case. “No one is giving you a damn thing!Don’t look for anyone to!” Daddy would say. As a child I didn’t think too much about it but now as an adult I hear him in my head everyday.
I believe that I can do what I want to do and I am willing to fight for it. I have those days though where I want to feel bad and throw a pity party. I snap myself out of that cause there’s no need. I have too much to be grateful for. Last night the pity party tried to start without me knowing and the fighting spirit in me started taking inventory. All the things that I have that I wouldn’t want to do without came to the front of my mind. Family, shelter, even the fact that I have my limbs! I went as far as to watch a beautiful young ladies story on YouTube about how she became an amputee. She spoke of her childhood experience and the way that she lost her leg. I cried with her and I was encouraged by her strength. She talked about how a guy that she had dated online dumped her after finally meeting her face to face and seeing her prosthetic leg. I feel bad for the both of them. Her because she has this fact of life that she has to live with and him because he lacks the capacity to deal with a physical condition that doesn’t affect her capacity to love.
The story gave me some ‘act right’ in the sense that I should be grateful for my life. That’s the goal for today and every day. Count my blessings and keep smiling. Keep working on myself and see how far I can go!