Dear friend

Sometimes in life we make impressions on others through no real effort of our own. We encounter a familiar situation we remember how we got through before and share. We see someone else in that same situation advise on the issue at hand. People either take heed to the advice or not. Recently, I have noticed once in a while throughout my day little things you have said to me come at teachable moments. You have me reevaluating myself. I am using some of those moments to choose best what to do at the time. Always at the front of my mind is how you said that you found yourself while in (the prison inside the prison). That’s a goal for me and I am taking notes from you. Not quite sure yet how to get there but somehow I think my needing to know is the reason you found your way into my inbox. I’ve been meditating and praying about coming into my purpose. I know that my purpose is not being some ordinary nobody. I can’t find myself the way that you did. I don’t presume to know what it feels like to be imprisoned. Certain aspects of my life are ‘on hold’ right now due to my obligations. While it can feel confining sometimes still I choose to be where I am and what I do. Caring for my mom is number one. I am discovering that this duty of taking care of her is producing more than one result! While I am attending school and acquiring book knowledge for the career of nursing I am living with my very own patient that I have the responsibility to nurse. Essentially I am studying nursing at school and home. Even the job of being a direct support person to 6 developmentally challenged adults is grooming for nursing responsibilities. I have to dispense their medications, prepare food for them and clean their home.

This past week momma fell ill again with a UTI. The symptoms began on New Years eve. I recognized the symptoms because she had them before 2 years ago when she had a urinary tract infection. Something I didn’t know then was that the elderly can suffer an altered mental status from a UTI. This can present itself by momma not being able to form the words to speak. That is what happened two years ago. She could only say “Ok “. This New Years eve she hadn’t gotten to the state of only “Ok” but I could tell by her simple replies to my questions that something was wrong. In an effort to figure out how bad her condition was I started asking her questions like “Who’s the president?” And she could only repeat the question. She could not answer. I called the head nurse in charge of her home care and she gave me directions of what to do for my mom until the

pharmacy was reopened (in two days)! Basically I had to keep this infection at bay. Momma made it through the two days and is now on antibiotics.

On one hand I can say that I have too many balls to juggle. I’ve got my mom who is becoming less independent by the day it seems and more dependent on me. I have school (right now I am on winter break) that consumes my life to the point where other things suffer like my social life (better said lack there of). I must work because I don’t have a sugar daddy mostly, because I don’t want to be beholden to anyone! I am lonesome in the small quiet pockets of time that I have but I don’t care enough to invest any time into having someone to help with the loneliness. On the other hand when I have those still moments they seem to last all day! I mean figuratively speaking they take forever to pass. Literally they probably come about 3-4 times a day and last for 30 minutes to an hour! Certainly not enough to establish a relationship between me and another person. Knowing the way that I operate it would soon become too much for me to do! I would be complaining that he was being too difficult for wanting my attention. This would lead to me going ghost on him. That’s pointless so I’m determined to stay single and work at achieving my goals without distractions.

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